2 Years of being continuosly blackpilled .
2 Years of going through each phase of the griefing process , one small step at a time .
First , there was denial .
Copeing with the redpill , trying to hold on to hope .
trying to hold on to that last straw , that last bit of light i thought i saw there ,
at the end of this dark tunnel .
I was trying to protect my Ego , trying to hold on to my naivite , my Egoinvestment , my blissfull ignorance .
My Survival Instinct working round the clock just to keep my mind safe and sane .
To keep everything where it belongs in this broken machine in my head .
Trying to fix the screws that got loose , trying to put bandages on my wrists .
Rejecting the truth .
rejecting what was right before my eyes .
Then , there was anger .
i couldn't accept it .
i started punching the walls til my knuckles were covered in blood ,
screaming til my lungs were empty ,
running til i collapsed ,
trying to feel something , anything else than Hatred for this World .
Hatred for the people who beat me on the daily in school ,
hatred for the girls who rejected me , who laughed about me behind my back and right in my face s ,
Hatred for the spineless normies who stood by as i got beaten down and left to decay in the gutter ,
just playing along , playing their part and hiding behind the facade of innocence .
Hatred for this world build on pure opportunism , cold hard evolutionary facts and endless lies spouted
by the same people that were meant to help me .
I wanted the whole world to burn ,
I wanted every plant , every tree , every living thing reduced to Ash .
Cause it is all part of the same system .
I wanted to go down in flames , go out with a bang .
But sadly , i missed that train , i missed that chance .
And remained as a husk of a man ,
a relic of a forgotten time ,
a shadow of my former self .
As the Anger left me , it took everything else with it .
The next Phase , bargaining .
if only i had taken my chances earlier in life ,
if only i stood up against my bullies .
If only i saved my money for surgeries .
If only , if only ..
I couldn't look the truth in its eyes , i couldn't shake the hands of fate with a smile .
I needed to cope ,
needed to find a way out .
Needed to rationalize my position in Life ,
needed to steer it back into controllable patterns .
I begged for the devil to take my soul ,
begged him to give me another chance ,
to reroll the dice .
I begged , i prayed , i hoped ,
but nothing changed .
Then the Depression hit me .
I drowned in a sea of nihilism ,
didnt get up from my bed , didnt eat .
Just laid there , staring at the ceiling , stuck in an endless circle of regret and shame .
Blaming myself for something that i had no control over .
Blaming myself for the way the world works .
Trying to take responsibility for this giant weight on my shoulders
and crumbling under the pressure .
Til nothing mattered anymore .
Everything was a cope .
A copy of a copy .
Every form of consumption ,
be it music , movies , videogames , porn , internet .
It all lost its appeal to me ,
cause it was all the same system .
the World beat me down , left me laying there , waiting around to die .
And i stared at the ceiling , for days on end ,
runnign circles in my mind , in this hamster wheel .
Again and again coming to the same conclusion .
Nothing matters anymore .
The final Phase : Acceptance .
Accepting that it is over and there is nothing i can do .
Accepting that nobody will ever look up to me ,
nobody will ever love me ,
nobody will ever kiss me and feel true desire when seeing my face and my body ..
Accepting that no cope will ever truly fill the void in my heart ,
even if i got a girlfriend now , the years of social isolation and torture
left me as a broken mess .
Accepting that there is no easy way out ,
no Philosophy to cure my broken heart syndrome ,
and it doesnt matter how many books i read ,
how much i try to grow beyond my suffering .
Accepting that there is no Immortality Project ,
no final effort that will immortalize me .
Even in my death ,
i will be a nobody .
Not even my family would shed a tear at my grave ,
they would just be happy for me that the torment is finally over .
Happy that they dont have to struggle with seeing my ugly , depressed face anymore .
nothing to lose and nothing to gain .
No great revolution , no next big thing , next big project that is going to save me .
Just the downward spiral while i wait for my death .
Waiting for the point at which i finally overcome my survival instinct .
And instead of crying , i smile .
I smile and i laugh , when the world burns .
realizing that this existence is nothing but a comedy .
Sad shit ngl
The edgy , autistic cringe threads are back
to another 2 years of Inceldom .
( if i havent roped by that point )
cheers .
2 Years of going through each phase of the griefing process , one small step at a time .
First , there was denial .
Copeing with the redpill , trying to hold on to hope .
trying to hold on to that last straw , that last bit of light i thought i saw there ,
at the end of this dark tunnel .
I was trying to protect my Ego , trying to hold on to my naivite , my Egoinvestment , my blissfull ignorance .
My Survival Instinct working round the clock just to keep my mind safe and sane .
To keep everything where it belongs in this broken machine in my head .
Trying to fix the screws that got loose , trying to put bandages on my wrists .
Rejecting the truth .
rejecting what was right before my eyes .
Then , there was anger .
i couldn't accept it .
i started punching the walls til my knuckles were covered in blood ,
screaming til my lungs were empty ,
running til i collapsed ,
trying to feel something , anything else than Hatred for this World .
Hatred for the people who beat me on the daily in school ,
hatred for the girls who rejected me , who laughed about me behind my back and right in my face s ,
Hatred for the spineless normies who stood by as i got beaten down and left to decay in the gutter ,
just playing along , playing their part and hiding behind the facade of innocence .
Hatred for this world build on pure opportunism , cold hard evolutionary facts and endless lies spouted
by the same people that were meant to help me .
I wanted the whole world to burn ,
I wanted every plant , every tree , every living thing reduced to Ash .
Cause it is all part of the same system .
I wanted to go down in flames , go out with a bang .
But sadly , i missed that train , i missed that chance .
And remained as a husk of a man ,
a relic of a forgotten time ,
a shadow of my former self .
As the Anger left me , it took everything else with it .
The next Phase , bargaining .
if only i had taken my chances earlier in life ,
if only i stood up against my bullies .
If only i saved my money for surgeries .
If only , if only ..
I couldn't look the truth in its eyes , i couldn't shake the hands of fate with a smile .
I needed to cope ,
needed to find a way out .
Needed to rationalize my position in Life ,
needed to steer it back into controllable patterns .
I begged for the devil to take my soul ,
begged him to give me another chance ,
to reroll the dice .
I begged , i prayed , i hoped ,
but nothing changed .
Then the Depression hit me .
I drowned in a sea of nihilism ,
didnt get up from my bed , didnt eat .
Just laid there , staring at the ceiling , stuck in an endless circle of regret and shame .
Blaming myself for something that i had no control over .
Blaming myself for the way the world works .
Trying to take responsibility for this giant weight on my shoulders
and crumbling under the pressure .
Til nothing mattered anymore .
Everything was a cope .
A copy of a copy .
Every form of consumption ,
be it music , movies , videogames , porn , internet .
It all lost its appeal to me ,
cause it was all the same system .
the World beat me down , left me laying there , waiting around to die .
And i stared at the ceiling , for days on end ,
runnign circles in my mind , in this hamster wheel .
Again and again coming to the same conclusion .
Nothing matters anymore .
The final Phase : Acceptance .
Accepting that it is over and there is nothing i can do .
Accepting that nobody will ever look up to me ,
nobody will ever love me ,
nobody will ever kiss me and feel true desire when seeing my face and my body ..
Accepting that no cope will ever truly fill the void in my heart ,
even if i got a girlfriend now , the years of social isolation and torture
left me as a broken mess .
Accepting that there is no easy way out ,
no Philosophy to cure my broken heart syndrome ,
and it doesnt matter how many books i read ,
how much i try to grow beyond my suffering .
Accepting that there is no Immortality Project ,
no final effort that will immortalize me .
Even in my death ,
i will be a nobody .
Not even my family would shed a tear at my grave ,
they would just be happy for me that the torment is finally over .
Happy that they dont have to struggle with seeing my ugly , depressed face anymore .
nothing to lose and nothing to gain .
No great revolution , no next big thing , next big project that is going to save me .
Just the downward spiral while i wait for my death .
Waiting for the point at which i finally overcome my survival instinct .
And instead of crying , i smile .
I smile and i laugh , when the world burns .
realizing that this existence is nothing but a comedy .
Sad shit ngl
The edgy , autistic cringe threads are back
to another 2 years of Inceldom .
( if i havent roped by that point )
cheers .
