Actively trying to kill yourself is on an entirely different level from recognizing that death is nothing to be afraid of. When I say death, I don't mean the process of dying(that's usually scary and painful), I mean actually being dead. There is no infinite blackness because there would be nothing to even perceive time or the concept of absence, experiencing nothing is a contradiction. You're projecting an experience onto the total lack of experience.
I believe you're looking at life the wrong way, but most people share your view. Instead of thinking of life or consciousness as some sort of default state, from what I can tell the true nature of reality is one of no beginning nor end, there is just absolutely nothing there. To be clearer, it's not that you live your life, eventually die, and then look back on it all to reminisce or regret, nor is death like being trapped in a room of total darkness which you can't escape from. There never was any room, there never was any light, you're not there, and when you think about it, you were never really there at all.
Our lives are like dreams spent entirely alone, only that you don't wake up and the end of it. It's not that you stop existing, but rather that you never existed at all, regardless at to how real it felt during the dream. We can communicate with others, but never really reach them, never entirely know them. People often differentiate between communication through text like this, and talking to someone in person, but I personally believe this to be an artificial distinction. Unless you are that person, you'll never be capable of understanding or closeness. It's the unbroken chain of experiences that make you the individual that you are, and without perceiving those of the person you're speaking to, the distance between the two of you is so vast that you might as well be on another planet.
