Deleted member 7448
Name is Abdu, live in Laos, born on 24.08.1992.
-
- Joined
- May 16, 2018
- Posts
- 7,127
It's more than just deviating from my routine for me, basically doing anything new makes me very sick, to the point of physically feeling almost a bit nauseous, like a slight panic attack.
For example, I keep rewatching the same few sitcoms that I've already seen 50 times (all episodes). So you'd think just watching the same sitcom all day or watching a bunch of different, new tv shows that I haven't seen before would be the same thing. But it's not. The cozy routine of my sitcoms feels safe, feels comfy and familiar. Watching other stuff is stressful for some reason.
There's so many factors that cause this that I can't even properly explain, not that I know them. Deviating from my routine means ... different thoughts, different feelings. Or better said, it allows my mind to experience thoughts and emotions that I repressed, that I keep locked down. Watching the same sitcoms and browsing the same sites allows me to almost hypnotize myself, I'm in a comfy little trance for 24 hours a day.
I've basically lobotomized myself on purpose with my comfy routine. I don't allow many thoughts or feelings to come out, otherwise I honestly can't tell what would happen. I screwed this life thing up way too hard in way too many different ways. Even among this forum I've failed exceptionally much, but I cope with it by sticking to my routine and not thinking or feeling too much.
This is another reason why wageslaving will suck so much for me. God I wish I could just drop dead before having to wageslave. It will be impossible for me to stop the anxiety for many other reasons too. Hell, wageslaving is the intersection of many other anxieties of mine: agoraphobia, social anxiety, PTSD etc...
There's much more to this but my mind is too hazy to remember or structure my thoughts, as always. There's just too many anxieties, everything makes me feel like shit unless I'm distracted by something warm, familiar and cozy, and it happens to be in my case sitcoms while browsing youtube and reddit and (and I guess .co too for 2 years now). Once I stop watching sitcoms and browsing these sites I feel super anxious. Hell, even browsing those sites but doing new things or browsing in a different way makes me anxious. Anything new at all makes me anxious, just sticking to the same things is not anxious. And my routine is just lying in bed for 24 hours a day with my laptop.
For example, I keep rewatching the same few sitcoms that I've already seen 50 times (all episodes). So you'd think just watching the same sitcom all day or watching a bunch of different, new tv shows that I haven't seen before would be the same thing. But it's not. The cozy routine of my sitcoms feels safe, feels comfy and familiar. Watching other stuff is stressful for some reason.
There's so many factors that cause this that I can't even properly explain, not that I know them. Deviating from my routine means ... different thoughts, different feelings. Or better said, it allows my mind to experience thoughts and emotions that I repressed, that I keep locked down. Watching the same sitcoms and browsing the same sites allows me to almost hypnotize myself, I'm in a comfy little trance for 24 hours a day.
I've basically lobotomized myself on purpose with my comfy routine. I don't allow many thoughts or feelings to come out, otherwise I honestly can't tell what would happen. I screwed this life thing up way too hard in way too many different ways. Even among this forum I've failed exceptionally much, but I cope with it by sticking to my routine and not thinking or feeling too much.
This is another reason why wageslaving will suck so much for me. God I wish I could just drop dead before having to wageslave. It will be impossible for me to stop the anxiety for many other reasons too. Hell, wageslaving is the intersection of many other anxieties of mine: agoraphobia, social anxiety, PTSD etc...
There's much more to this but my mind is too hazy to remember or structure my thoughts, as always. There's just too many anxieties, everything makes me feel like shit unless I'm distracted by something warm, familiar and cozy, and it happens to be in my case sitcoms while browsing youtube and reddit and (and I guess .co too for 2 years now). Once I stop watching sitcoms and browsing these sites I feel super anxious. Hell, even browsing those sites but doing new things or browsing in a different way makes me anxious. Anything new at all makes me anxious, just sticking to the same things is not anxious. And my routine is just lying in bed for 24 hours a day with my laptop.
Last edited: