having literally no one in your life who you can turn to, no healthy interpersonal relationships at all, stunted emotional development from never having friends or sexual relationships, no social skills or life achievements... all the pain inside amplified by the fact that you'll never be able to live up to standards that society has for men. how are you supposed to be happy after being told every single day of your life that nobody cares about you, that you don't have value, that you have no talent, that you're an undesirable reject, that the people you care about hate you and that you will never accomplish anything meaningful? most people have friends or family who are supportive of them, or things that they are good at, or happy memories and life experiences to remember. if they ever feel lost or upset they actually have resources to support them and things to be hopeful about. they'll never know what it's like to to hit the bottom of the barrel and realize that you're an autistic reject who nobody gives a fuck about. it's like how you can imagine how it feels to have your arms ripped off but you can't really feel or understand that pain unless you've actually experienced it. this is really all my life is. just an endless loop of pain, anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, humiliation, jealousy and depression with no way out. that realization hits me like a truck
