L
Lebensmüder
Soon to be deleted account
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- Joined
- Aug 21, 2018
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Thanks to all the bullying I had to endure due to females in my childhood/youth, I nowadays cannot interact with them (not just because I am a sperg):
When I see a (young) woman walking somewhere I turn my head in the other direction. It's not a volitional movement resulting from a conscious decision, but rather a reflex (e.g. something that is uncontrolable and always happens in the same/stereotypical manner under certain circumstances). Subconsciously I probably know that it's over for me and this is why these movements happen.
I also justify it in that way (subconsciously): Women don't want me and when they don't want me they don't deserve anything from me, they don't deserve the emotional validation/attention they get when men look at them, because this would make them in their mind desirable, I don't want them to have these positive feelings resulting from my actions while I get nothing back. Probably also because I have so much shame looking at womens' bodies (especially when they are barely dressed). Examples of this happening: A woman goes on the beach in a bikini, I turn my head and look at some dogs/at the horizont/at my feet, I see a girl walking in the woods and I look down on the ground or at the woods/leaves themselves.
I also can't talk with female strangers. I don't have these problems with colleagues/on the Internet or something like that, but ordering something at a restaurant for example is impossible. I don't look women in the face and mostly gaze at my hands/my feet when I see one - especially if they are (young) women, this is one the only problems that isn't a direct result from bullying but rather a problem I always had: I never looked people in the eyes, I always looked down on the ground when talking to other people.
I mostly let my parents do the ordering/talking for me when I am at a restaurant where women are employed, I also refuse to say "Thank you!" to them or give them tips, I also would never visit public places or eat in public if my parents wouldn't force me. As I was standing in line and realized that a (tall/young) woman was about to serve me in the shop, I left it and went to a new one because I didn't want to talk to her although this increased my waiting time, the same thing happened in a restaurant where I also left a line deliberately to avoid interacting with a woman. When a woman even remotely looks in my direction (for example in my car), I shudder.
My dream job would be one without women, but in a work setting these problems almost never occur and I can talk to about the subject (e.g. had no problems talking to women at a course for vets about animals/medication) - interacting with them on a professional basis in the job or when I need something for it is a necessary evil sadly.
I also don't have positive feelings towards women anymore, I only had a crush on a (real) girl twice in my lifetime, but for the last years all desire for emotional connection or sexual intercourse with a (real) female vanished completely, only the bitter feelings from my wasted youth remained. I am neither asexual nor a faggot, I find certain parts of female bodies (like boobs, face, legs) attractive, but even when fapping to 3D stuff I mostly look at them at least partially clothed because otherwise I would feel too much shame, I never consumed porn depicting conventional sex acts and I don't like seeing their reproductive organs. I also have no desire to visit a prostitute and don't think about sex acts often, because I feel like I wouldn't make it anyways. The problem is nowadays not only looks, but also psychological.
Can anyone even remotely relate to that?
When I see a (young) woman walking somewhere I turn my head in the other direction. It's not a volitional movement resulting from a conscious decision, but rather a reflex (e.g. something that is uncontrolable and always happens in the same/stereotypical manner under certain circumstances). Subconsciously I probably know that it's over for me and this is why these movements happen.
I also justify it in that way (subconsciously): Women don't want me and when they don't want me they don't deserve anything from me, they don't deserve the emotional validation/attention they get when men look at them, because this would make them in their mind desirable, I don't want them to have these positive feelings resulting from my actions while I get nothing back. Probably also because I have so much shame looking at womens' bodies (especially when they are barely dressed). Examples of this happening: A woman goes on the beach in a bikini, I turn my head and look at some dogs/at the horizont/at my feet, I see a girl walking in the woods and I look down on the ground or at the woods/leaves themselves.
I also can't talk with female strangers. I don't have these problems with colleagues/on the Internet or something like that, but ordering something at a restaurant for example is impossible. I don't look women in the face and mostly gaze at my hands/my feet when I see one - especially if they are (young) women, this is one the only problems that isn't a direct result from bullying but rather a problem I always had: I never looked people in the eyes, I always looked down on the ground when talking to other people.
I mostly let my parents do the ordering/talking for me when I am at a restaurant where women are employed, I also refuse to say "Thank you!" to them or give them tips, I also would never visit public places or eat in public if my parents wouldn't force me. As I was standing in line and realized that a (tall/young) woman was about to serve me in the shop, I left it and went to a new one because I didn't want to talk to her although this increased my waiting time, the same thing happened in a restaurant where I also left a line deliberately to avoid interacting with a woman. When a woman even remotely looks in my direction (for example in my car), I shudder.
My dream job would be one without women, but in a work setting these problems almost never occur and I can talk to about the subject (e.g. had no problems talking to women at a course for vets about animals/medication) - interacting with them on a professional basis in the job or when I need something for it is a necessary evil sadly.
I also don't have positive feelings towards women anymore, I only had a crush on a (real) girl twice in my lifetime, but for the last years all desire for emotional connection or sexual intercourse with a (real) female vanished completely, only the bitter feelings from my wasted youth remained. I am neither asexual nor a faggot, I find certain parts of female bodies (like boobs, face, legs) attractive, but even when fapping to 3D stuff I mostly look at them at least partially clothed because otherwise I would feel too much shame, I never consumed porn depicting conventional sex acts and I don't like seeing their reproductive organs. I also have no desire to visit a prostitute and don't think about sex acts often, because I feel like I wouldn't make it anyways. The problem is nowadays not only looks, but also psychological.
Can anyone even remotely relate to that?