It's so brutal. And the webcam only accentuates further all my shortcomings and the lighting in my room is terrible (I can't do much about it, I'm not gonna buy special lighting just to look better during online classes which will hopefully end within a few months anyway). I look like fucking Golum in his cave and I can't do shit about it. Doesn't matter if I smile, if I brush my hair right before the class or even apply some light makeup -- it's no use, I look dead, tired and deformed. What's worse, I usually use gallery view and I see all these pretty or at least normie looking people all over my screen and here I am, sticking out like a sore thumb, I can sense these people holding back vomit whenever they see my on their screens. Lockdown didn't really hit me psychologically because I'm lonely anyway but seeing myself in the webcam just makes me want to sui on spot.
My body language is also next-level autistic. Unless I actively think about it and correct myself, I'll put my hand on my arm (as if I was trying to hug myself or something; it's even more "closed" than just closing your arms, I couldn't find an illustration of this position on google) and start shuckling back and forth. I also move my hands randomly during talking, start uncomfortably laughing during speaking and, I shit you not, avoid eye contact with the computer screen (I can kinda go around it by minimizing the conversation window but wtf). I'm terribly aware of all of this but I can't do anything. I went to two therapists and neither even mentioned body language, I should get some serious coaching, but I guess they just assumed it's no use and I'm doomed -- that's basically what their advice boiled down to: just accept your eternal loneliness and take your pills for depression, we'll artificially keep you alive cos you need to be a good worker drone.
My body language is also next-level autistic. Unless I actively think about it and correct myself, I'll put my hand on my arm (as if I was trying to hug myself or something; it's even more "closed" than just closing your arms, I couldn't find an illustration of this position on google) and start shuckling back and forth. I also move my hands randomly during talking, start uncomfortably laughing during speaking and, I shit you not, avoid eye contact with the computer screen (I can kinda go around it by minimizing the conversation window but wtf). I'm terribly aware of all of this but I can't do anything. I went to two therapists and neither even mentioned body language, I should get some serious coaching, but I guess they just assumed it's no use and I'm doomed -- that's basically what their advice boiled down to: just accept your eternal loneliness and take your pills for depression, we'll artificially keep you alive cos you need to be a good worker drone.
