For 10 years I've been aware my life has been slipping into a chasm of darkness. I watched my family get poorer, more unstable, watched myself get ruined by the law, fail school, lose a girl I thought liked me, struggle to find employment, health decline, and mental state unwind.
I had some hope things would get better somehow but from an objective perspective my life is dire. Even my own mother told me to kill myself today again. There is nobody that truly cares and no opportunities I can truly seize. I have no friends and no money and I am a broken shell of a human after my abusive and neglectful childhood and failure to fix the remnants of my life in my young adulthood.
My parents never wanted me or my siblings to succeed, they were selfish and cruel people who let us survive with the bare minimum while my mother was flying to dubai to waste all our low income savings. She pissed our future lives away for some cheap thrills there £5000 at a time, but refused to pay anything for me even maths tuition which I needed to become an engineer like she wanted me to. Bear in mind neither of my parents have had jobs for 30 years forcing us to grow up in poverty.
I dont have it in me to commit suicide but something broke inside today and all I can do is feel utterly empty. Any small reason I had to keep going is voided. I was legally obliged to go to community service today and didn't bother. Before prison used to scare me now I see it as a welcome respite from this hellhole of a home. And it comes with the bonus of either being murdered or being indoctrinated into a gang and finally learning how to make a way for myself in this world. Either way all I want to do now is genuinely lay down and rot until I die. The police will come to arrest me for breaching my order within a week.
This life has been a true disappointment and it was ridiculously unfair to me yet I was supposed to just succeed and never complain. My parents will never accept they doomed me to a genetic prison. Both inbred village people that had 5 children on government benefits, my life literally never started because it was over before I was even born. I write this here because I have no other people to tell and nobody actually cares. I'm gonna go smoke my last bud and just lay down.
I had some hope things would get better somehow but from an objective perspective my life is dire. Even my own mother told me to kill myself today again. There is nobody that truly cares and no opportunities I can truly seize. I have no friends and no money and I am a broken shell of a human after my abusive and neglectful childhood and failure to fix the remnants of my life in my young adulthood.
My parents never wanted me or my siblings to succeed, they were selfish and cruel people who let us survive with the bare minimum while my mother was flying to dubai to waste all our low income savings. She pissed our future lives away for some cheap thrills there £5000 at a time, but refused to pay anything for me even maths tuition which I needed to become an engineer like she wanted me to. Bear in mind neither of my parents have had jobs for 30 years forcing us to grow up in poverty.
I dont have it in me to commit suicide but something broke inside today and all I can do is feel utterly empty. Any small reason I had to keep going is voided. I was legally obliged to go to community service today and didn't bother. Before prison used to scare me now I see it as a welcome respite from this hellhole of a home. And it comes with the bonus of either being murdered or being indoctrinated into a gang and finally learning how to make a way for myself in this world. Either way all I want to do now is genuinely lay down and rot until I die. The police will come to arrest me for breaching my order within a week.
This life has been a true disappointment and it was ridiculously unfair to me yet I was supposed to just succeed and never complain. My parents will never accept they doomed me to a genetic prison. Both inbred village people that had 5 children on government benefits, my life literally never started because it was over before I was even born. I write this here because I have no other people to tell and nobody actually cares. I'm gonna go smoke my last bud and just lay down.
