Or maybe I'm bipolar or something cause my opinions even on myself vary so much.
But I do think that in a way I'm a narcissist.
That's what makes wageslavery so hard for me to tolerate. Often times on this forum I say I am stupid. But I say that because of my depression that makes me self-deprecate so much. But I feel superior to most people, it's a feeling hard to shake. It's almost solipsistic, like the universe centers around me, how can I be inferior to anyone else? Because I feel this superiority I can't possibly wageslave, working for peanuts in this third world country. It will crush me to my core. I'm inferior to people on many levels like strength, agility, health, looks. But I always considered myself superior. Maybe through wisdom that always seemed wiser than of those my age, maybe through my intelligence that I cope by thinking that I'm very smart just incredibly lazy and depressed, that's why I'm such a loser. And I am very lazy, that's true.
Look, I don't really believe I'm superior on a conscious level, that's ridiculous. But I'm narcissistic so that feeling is the core of my being, it's impossible to shake no matter what my conscious mind thinks. It's also a sort of shield from all the shit I've been through. My life was very easy but also because of my crippling depression for over a decade, autism, a few years of alcoholism and countless PTSD-inducing events because of that. After all this it would be hard to get out of bed without that shield granted by my narcissism. Not that I get out of bed much, I spend my days rotting in bed anyway. Ohh wow, I just realized the irony. This dose of narcissism is the only thing that prevents me from being psychologically crushed to bits, but it's also the reason why wageslaving will be hell for me.
Anyway, I won't tolerate having a shitty salary in this shitty country. My ego won't accept it. I'm already an autistic outcast with no friends, ugly and weak, how can I also be a mere slave too? Making peanuts is for the unwashed masses, I can't possibly be part of them. Well, that's what I feel, but rationally and consciously I know that I am no better than anybody else, in fact I am much, much worse in every conceivable way. And the proof of that is everything about my life, it's undeniable.
But I do think that in a way I'm a narcissist.
That's what makes wageslavery so hard for me to tolerate. Often times on this forum I say I am stupid. But I say that because of my depression that makes me self-deprecate so much. But I feel superior to most people, it's a feeling hard to shake. It's almost solipsistic, like the universe centers around me, how can I be inferior to anyone else? Because I feel this superiority I can't possibly wageslave, working for peanuts in this third world country. It will crush me to my core. I'm inferior to people on many levels like strength, agility, health, looks. But I always considered myself superior. Maybe through wisdom that always seemed wiser than of those my age, maybe through my intelligence that I cope by thinking that I'm very smart just incredibly lazy and depressed, that's why I'm such a loser. And I am very lazy, that's true.
Look, I don't really believe I'm superior on a conscious level, that's ridiculous. But I'm narcissistic so that feeling is the core of my being, it's impossible to shake no matter what my conscious mind thinks. It's also a sort of shield from all the shit I've been through. My life was very easy but also because of my crippling depression for over a decade, autism, a few years of alcoholism and countless PTSD-inducing events because of that. After all this it would be hard to get out of bed without that shield granted by my narcissism. Not that I get out of bed much, I spend my days rotting in bed anyway. Ohh wow, I just realized the irony. This dose of narcissism is the only thing that prevents me from being psychologically crushed to bits, but it's also the reason why wageslaving will be hell for me.
Anyway, I won't tolerate having a shitty salary in this shitty country. My ego won't accept it. I'm already an autistic outcast with no friends, ugly and weak, how can I also be a mere slave too? Making peanuts is for the unwashed masses, I can't possibly be part of them. Well, that's what I feel, but rationally and consciously I know that I am no better than anybody else, in fact I am much, much worse in every conceivable way. And the proof of that is everything about my life, it's undeniable.
