I can't believe it's been 19 nearly 20 years that I lived on this shit world, and just assessing how my future is going to be like in my head is pretty bleak and not worthwhile. I'm never going to be loved nor will I enjoy life to its fullest. I'm a complete mentalcel, due to actual mental health issues i.e. social anxiety, depression (developed), paranoia and autism. What makes it even worse is that I'm a currycel, though not the usual dark one, thanks to my mum but what difference does it make. I used to have aspirations of what sort of life I wanted, especially the type of person I'd like to be with, and since with my oneitis trait, the girls I like tend to be really specific so most of the time your usual stacy, doesn't fit in my field of attraction, due to how generic they are, but again, what difference does it make in today's society if all women are behaving and acting the same way. There were times where I thought, oh maybe there is a miracle down the tunnel and surely faith would show mercy, however, there wasn't after the countless times of being bullied, avoided and mistreated by every person, even ones that I trusted. I was a bright kid but I was addicted to porn and vidya, though mostly porn for two reasons: 1) it felt good and 2)because it was an activity to relieve myself from the copious amount of stress inside of me. Now, I had some good times here and there, mostly by myself but some in scenarios with a few others or shall I call acquaintances, though they are short in timeframe, as every good moment in life is. I still cherish them even if they don't value as highly against society's perception of a good time (literally welling up right now) but I felt as if I could have had more happen to me, if I just didn't have this stupid vessel to operate. Sometimes, I think that I was in the wrong body and that my soul had committed a heinous crime in it's previous body (almost as if I was chad previously and this body I have right now is a punishment for my sin), nonetheless, I know concepts such as the soul don't exist.
I honestly wanted to help people out as well for issues they were facing, through some sort of self help channel but, I don't know, at times I remember when no one bothered listening to me during presentations. This world really is shit, and there's nothing worth fighting for it, especially as sub-8 so I am considereing offing myself sometime in the future if things don't work out anymore and I just continuously stay in my room everyday coping with the tech I have. I do try to get outside, and I do feel better but it's my hideous face. Not in University, because I know exactly what's going to occur if I do enrol, and currently don't have a job, which I did before the contract ended, when I could have got extended since I was extremely hardworking. Might do a livestream of just crappy ranting and stuff, before I end up doing it. Anyhow, my brain still has a lot of things to say but who cares amirite. Life really is a massive cope and there's no point in fulfilling it if it never began. Going to post a pic of myself on looksmax
I honestly wanted to help people out as well for issues they were facing, through some sort of self help channel but, I don't know, at times I remember when no one bothered listening to me during presentations. This world really is shit, and there's nothing worth fighting for it, especially as sub-8 so I am considereing offing myself sometime in the future if things don't work out anymore and I just continuously stay in my room everyday coping with the tech I have. I do try to get outside, and I do feel better but it's my hideous face. Not in University, because I know exactly what's going to occur if I do enrol, and currently don't have a job, which I did before the contract ended, when I could have got extended since I was extremely hardworking. Might do a livestream of just crappy ranting and stuff, before I end up doing it. Anyhow, my brain still has a lot of things to say but who cares amirite. Life really is a massive cope and there's no point in fulfilling it if it never began. Going to post a pic of myself on looksmax
