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Serious Long term isolation might've given me brain damage

  • Thread starter Deleted member 8353
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Deleted member 8353

Deleted member 8353

Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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May 29, 2018
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The past 10 years are a complete blur, especially the past 8 or so, it's all been just endless consumption of escapist media, despondency, and self-sabotage since the moment I stopped going to highschool. Hardcore rotting NEETdom and essentially being an equivalent to a hikikomori is a form of time travel. Seriously I never know what day it is, and generally have to think for a moment to even recall the current month. It feels like I'm stuck being a teenager, except that I have larger knowledge base, and my body has begun to deteriorate a bit. I'm a kid in an adult's body, only without any of the positivism and hope that comes with being a kid.

The more time I spent observing life from a distance, the more I began to despise it all, and resent the fact that I was even born. Too much thinking might cause you to realize things which you'd be better off not knowing, and I suspect that if you spend too much time isolated, that it will begin to fuck with your mind. Like I was getting at, time is very weird to me, it doesn't feel like it has any linearity. Something that I did a week ago feels about as distant as something that I did 5 years ago. Sometimes I sit around just wondering where I am tbh. It's not that I forget that I'm in my room, but only that knowledge of my immediate surroundings doesn't give me the feeling of attachment like it used to. I'm a human, I have a name, I have parents, I exist in a particular place and time, but none of these things mean anything to me.

You know what it feels like when you're dreaming, but then you suddenly become aware that you're in a dream? It's sort of like that. The only experiences that feel "real" to me are those which I construct intentionally, entirely within my mind. I can imagine reaching out and touching a few blades of grass, and it feels more genuine than if I were to go outside and try to replicate the same thing. It feels like I have to get out, or to defocus. It's like my visual field is being artificially constrained and attached to my head, and if I could only wake up then I won't be so restricted. Once I wake up I'll be able to zoom out of my own head, and see in perfect detail. At that point I will no longer be caged in this insufficient prison of a body. I won't be limited to my hands, feet, and mouth for manipulation. I'll be able to will reality to change just by thinking about it.

My own body feels alien to me. No longer do I simply accept and respond to things like an automaton, everything is strange to me now.
 
Humans are a social species. Without the strength of social groups, we would not be alive today. Since we almost always live in social groups, our brain has not been suited in a manner to living alone. Just as we are not great at living in a pond or in Antarctic conditions or going a month without water, these are just situations that are outside our normal operating parameters.
 
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Humans are a social species. Without the strength of social groups, we would not be alive today. Since we almost always live in social groups, our brain has not been suited in a manner to living alone. Just as we are not great at living in a pond or in Antarctic conditions or going a month without water, these are just situations that are outside our normal operating parameters.
Well idk, it's weird because isolation has become normal to me, to the point where I'm averse to irl communication. But I suppose it doesn't matter how used to something I get, it might still not be healthy.
 
Stopped reading this post early, too brutal for me lmao. You must have a strong will to live for some reason...
 
Well idk, it's weird because isolation has become normal to me, to the point where I'm averse to irl communication. But I suppose it doesn't matter how used to something I get, it might still not be healthy.
The isolation, the fear, the indeterminate timeline for even a fraction of normalcy, all of it is driving my depression wild. Still, I’m trying to find joy in the little things and keep maintaining.
 
Stopped reading this post early, too brutal for me lmao. You must have a strong will to live for some reason...
I've told myself that I won't rope until my parents are dead, but I'm not 100% sure that I'll be able to live up to that. Although I don't think that my life is any worse than that of a more well adjusted wageslave, it's just a different sort of bad. Both become awful after enough time. Normies at least have their relationships to cope with life, so it probably takes longer for life to start feeling truly bad. Speaking of which, it's interesting how old people tend to either feel indifferent towards the idea of dying, or they actively welcome it. It seems that life becomes increasingly intolerable the longer it goes on.
 
The past 10 years are a complete blur, especially the past 8 or so, it's all been just endless consumption of escapist media, despondency, and self-sabotage since the moment I stopped going to highschool. Hardcore rotting NEETdom and essentially being an equivalent to a hikikomori is a form of time travel. Seriously I never know what day it is, and generally have to think for a moment to even recall the current month. It feels like I'm stuck being a teenager, except that I have larger knowledge base, and my body has begun to deteriorate a bit. I'm a kid in an adult's body, only without any of the positivism and hope that comes with being a kid.
I feel the exact same. Neet is a curse in disguise tbh, no future, no structure, no plan, no life.
 
its womens fault, never forget
 
The past 10 years are a complete blur, especially the past 8 or so,
Literally my life
it's all been just endless consumption of escapist media, despondency, and self-sabotage
Also me. Stop describing me.

I think you are going through derealization. I experienced that when going through emotional trauma. I suggest you to exercise, take those night walks and socialize a little bit. Take part in some communal activity if you have to.
 
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I think you are going through derealization. I experienced that when going through emotional trauma. I suggest you to exercise, take those night walks and socialize a little bit. Take part in some communal activity if you have to.
Yeah I've felt like this for a couple years now at least, it just gets worse.
 
Yeah I've felt like this for a couple years now at least, it just gets worse.
If you are NEET in this mental condition let me tell you, its gonna be very painful if you are yanked out of this state.
 
If you are NEET in this mental condition let me tell you, its gonna be very painful if you are yanked out of this state.
I know bro, I can barely function anymore. I've had to come to terms with roping eventually tbh, it's better than any alternative at this point.
 
I feel the exact same. Neet is a curse in disguise tbh, no future, no structure, no plan, no life.
Better than taking lots of heavy work for little money. I would never go as far as calling neetdom a "curse"
 
The past 10 years are a complete blur, especially the past 8 or so, it's all been just endless consumption of escapist media, despondency, and self-sabotage since the moment I stopped going to highschool. Hardcore rotting NEETdom and essentially being an equivalent to a hikikomori is a form of time travel. Seriously I never know what day it is, and generally have to think for a moment to even recall the current month. It feels like I'm stuck being a teenager, except that I have larger knowledge base, and my body has begun to deteriorate a bit. I'm a kid in an adult's body, only without any of the positivism and hope that comes with being a kid.

The more time I spent observing life from a distance, the more I began to despise it all, and resent the fact that I was even born. Too much thinking might cause you to realize things which you'd be better off not knowing, and I suspect that if you spend too much time isolated, that it will begin to fuck with your mind. Like I was getting at, time is very weird to me, it doesn't feel like it has any linearity. Something that I did a week ago feels about as distant as something that I did 5 years ago. Sometimes I sit around just wondering where I am tbh. It's not that I forget that I'm in my room, but only that knowledge of my immediate surroundings doesn't give me the feeling of attachment like it used to. I'm a human, I have a name, I have parents, I exist in a particular place and time, but none of these things mean anything to me.

You know what it feels like when you're dreaming, but then you suddenly become aware that you're in a dream? It's sort of like that. The only experiences that feel "real" to me are those which I construct intentionally, entirely within my mind. I can imagine reaching out and touching a few blades of grass, and it feels more genuine than if I were to go outside and try to replicate the same thing. It feels like I have to get out, or to defocus. It's like my visual field is being artificially constrained and attached to my head, and if I could only wake up then I won't be so restricted. Once I wake up I'll be able to zoom out of my own head, and see in perfect detail. At that point I will no longer be caged in this insufficient prison of a body. I won't be limited to my hands, feet, and mouth for manipulation. I'll be able to will reality to change just by thinking about it.

My own body feels alien to me. No longer do I simply accept and respond to things like an automaton, everything is strange to me now.

This speaks to my soul.
 
Better than taking lots of heavy work for little money. I would never go as far as calling neetdom a "curse"
It's not a curse at first, but after a decade you might feel differently. Slowing you start to lose your capacity to enjoy things, while growing progressively more and more detached. Not to mention the ever present knowledge that unless you intend to kill yourself, every moment spent like this is actually making your life worse in the long run, at least if you can't NEET forever. In some ways it can be an extremely drawn out form of suicide, as that's what lies at the end of this for a significant minority. But that's the thing though, this stuff varies a lot depending upon your circumstances.

At least that's been my experience, but again, I wouldn't say that it's worse than wageslaving, it's just a different flavor of shit. I know people online who have slaved in retail for the same decade, some are as suicidal as me.
 
Speaking of which, it's interesting how old people tend to either feel indifferent towards the idea of dying, or they actively welcome it. It seems that life becomes increasingly intolerable the longer it goes on
I'm not old yet but I noticed that the idea of death doesn't bother me that much anymore whereas it used to give me full-blown panic attacks when I was a kid or teenager
 
Better than taking lots of heavy work for little money. I would never go as far as calling neetdom a "curse"
It depend on how you view it, if wageslaving while going to school for a better future i'd say it is worth it, but if it's just to barely afford to survive with no other aspect to it, it's suifuel and probably worst than neet.
 
Staying home won't allow you to socially grow up.
 
same tbh i dont feel real at all but i dont wanna wagecuck myself into oblivion either
 

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