I think lack of succes in childhood and teenage years due to losing both the mental and physical genetic lottery (ugly creepy freak) caused a silent killer of spirit to infiltrate the metaphysical fabric of my existence.
Since the beginning of my early twenties I started noticing a very subtle yet persistent, gradual decrease in my libido.
The pornographic films captivated me less and less. First that was solved by watching increasingly degenerate porn and feeling filthy and empty when postnutclarity kicked in. But almost as seem with drug abuse tolerance even the dog anti-lick hood puke bukake rimming orgies started to lose its morbid thrill.
It took longer and longer to find a video that hit the spot. And even if I found ome that was accurately on par with my tastes I had to put a lot of mental effort into getting into it. Using exhaustive force to identify with the actors in the film.
But from time to time I still found a vid that ended in somewhat aroused viewing pleasure though the orgasm felt empty and wasnt enjoyable in its entirely.
The last few weeks Ive had to scroll thru hundreds of videos before finding one that I had some kind of reaction to. I tolx myself that this was because all porn videos were just made by morons who didnt understand authentic display of primal drifts enough. That all those porn studios and amateurs just didnt understand how to make a good porn. They didnt understand vulgarity, degeneracy, how to exploit deep rooted psychological issues, rawness, shock, authenticity, filth, primal drift, building of taunting frusttation, grimeyness. All elements a good porn has they failed to incorporate. Its always the boring same shit even with amateurs. The only person in the craft is Max Hardcore. He u nderstands how its supposed to be done. An artist ahead of his time, punished by the contemporary NPCs, the neurotic, closed minded empty vessel jackboots of feminism and political.correctness.
Today I again began to long search for a video that would do the trick. As I was opening tab after tab I suddently stumbled on something I didnt expect. It was the perfect video. It had all elements I sought and compiled with an artistic understanding of erotic aesthetics.
I found the holy grail of porn. The x rated video I thought of as a purely theoretical ultimum. Like drawing a perfect circle.
Yet it didnt got me excited. I watched it twice and forced my marines to sail with no pleasure whatsoever.
All the exposure in my childhood, adolesence and early adulthood crippled my self confidence to the degree Im no longer part of biology. As all biology entities have the drive to reproduce.
Im not repressed. Im annihilated.
If there somehow was some 10/10 in my bed with a fetish for uncomfortable vibed bottom of the barrel males I know my mind nor my penis would even have a flinch of arousal.
I dont know how my future looks like. I doubt death will be much different as I do not fit the criteria for living organism anymore.
Its Over
Since the beginning of my early twenties I started noticing a very subtle yet persistent, gradual decrease in my libido.
The pornographic films captivated me less and less. First that was solved by watching increasingly degenerate porn and feeling filthy and empty when postnutclarity kicked in. But almost as seem with drug abuse tolerance even the dog anti-lick hood puke bukake rimming orgies started to lose its morbid thrill.
It took longer and longer to find a video that hit the spot. And even if I found ome that was accurately on par with my tastes I had to put a lot of mental effort into getting into it. Using exhaustive force to identify with the actors in the film.
But from time to time I still found a vid that ended in somewhat aroused viewing pleasure though the orgasm felt empty and wasnt enjoyable in its entirely.
The last few weeks Ive had to scroll thru hundreds of videos before finding one that I had some kind of reaction to. I tolx myself that this was because all porn videos were just made by morons who didnt understand authentic display of primal drifts enough. That all those porn studios and amateurs just didnt understand how to make a good porn. They didnt understand vulgarity, degeneracy, how to exploit deep rooted psychological issues, rawness, shock, authenticity, filth, primal drift, building of taunting frusttation, grimeyness. All elements a good porn has they failed to incorporate. Its always the boring same shit even with amateurs. The only person in the craft is Max Hardcore. He u nderstands how its supposed to be done. An artist ahead of his time, punished by the contemporary NPCs, the neurotic, closed minded empty vessel jackboots of feminism and political.correctness.
Today I again began to long search for a video that would do the trick. As I was opening tab after tab I suddently stumbled on something I didnt expect. It was the perfect video. It had all elements I sought and compiled with an artistic understanding of erotic aesthetics.
I found the holy grail of porn. The x rated video I thought of as a purely theoretical ultimum. Like drawing a perfect circle.
Yet it didnt got me excited. I watched it twice and forced my marines to sail with no pleasure whatsoever.
All the exposure in my childhood, adolesence and early adulthood crippled my self confidence to the degree Im no longer part of biology. As all biology entities have the drive to reproduce.
Im not repressed. Im annihilated.
If there somehow was some 10/10 in my bed with a fetish for uncomfortable vibed bottom of the barrel males I know my mind nor my penis would even have a flinch of arousal.
I dont know how my future looks like. I doubt death will be much different as I do not fit the criteria for living organism anymore.
Its Over
