Any interaction with others is very stressful for me, for multiple reasons.
When I was kid I was just a little shy and autistic. At first very shy but then I'd open up and almost sperg out with energy and glee to play with kids. I'd be super honest and excited.
But then life constantly kicked me and punished me for interacting with others. I guess people in this shithole country don't like kids who are quiet at first, got bullied quite a bit, even had to switch schools twice (well, 3 times but it's a long story, only 2 count). Even if it wasn't really physical bullying in 99% of cases, it was still humiliating or just very negative and unpleasant, making fun of me etc...
Over time that changes a man, it shapes you to be even more reserved and avoidant and anxious.
There's a lot of other factors too as to why I am as avoidant and completely introverted as I am today. Like, my agoraphobia and extreme anxiety nowadays also comes from something I did to myself of course, the 2 years of alcoholism and completely ruining my reputation amongst anyone that ever knew me. And I didn't even know many people, just collegues from schools and universities. And yet through alcoholism I managed to humiliate myself and made everyone know it (even managed to contact 2 people from school on facebook when drunk, which spread the word cause I said embarrassing and cringe shit). Now I'm deathyl afraid of going outside or talking to people or being anywhere out of the house, out of fear of anyone who ever knew me seeing me. God, I even fear that when I get a shit wageslaving job, that I'll one day meet someone that used to know me and they'll spread the word to my coworkers and they will know of my bad reputation too. That shit happened to me before too, small country and city, word spreads quick, can't run away from it. (bonus cringe story: bumped into someone like that from school to whom I talked to when drunk. Holy shit I was so panicked I frozed and didn't shake their hand when they greeted me and wanted to, didn't even look at them, totally ignored them and walked away. Shit, now that dude spread all kinds of rumors about me and I dread seeing him again, and it was on a street that I will need to pass through quite often). I'd move away from this country but I can't for many reasons, among which I've grown too attached to my parents and cat and I can't leave them. Anyway, I admit that this last point is 100% my fault, of course. But still, iirc I became an alcoholic also due to how people treated me, in addition to my depression/anhedonia, and that was also in part due to how people treated me.
Anyway, back to my point: I imagined for a few seconds what it would be like to not be stressed when talking to people, to just hang out and be relaxed. Wow, that was quite a pleasant few seconds. And yet that'll never happen to me. Damn, hope maybe tonight the universe will take pity upon me and give me an aneurysm in my sleep.
When I was kid I was just a little shy and autistic. At first very shy but then I'd open up and almost sperg out with energy and glee to play with kids. I'd be super honest and excited.
But then life constantly kicked me and punished me for interacting with others. I guess people in this shithole country don't like kids who are quiet at first, got bullied quite a bit, even had to switch schools twice (well, 3 times but it's a long story, only 2 count). Even if it wasn't really physical bullying in 99% of cases, it was still humiliating or just very negative and unpleasant, making fun of me etc...
Over time that changes a man, it shapes you to be even more reserved and avoidant and anxious.
There's a lot of other factors too as to why I am as avoidant and completely introverted as I am today. Like, my agoraphobia and extreme anxiety nowadays also comes from something I did to myself of course, the 2 years of alcoholism and completely ruining my reputation amongst anyone that ever knew me. And I didn't even know many people, just collegues from schools and universities. And yet through alcoholism I managed to humiliate myself and made everyone know it (even managed to contact 2 people from school on facebook when drunk, which spread the word cause I said embarrassing and cringe shit). Now I'm deathyl afraid of going outside or talking to people or being anywhere out of the house, out of fear of anyone who ever knew me seeing me. God, I even fear that when I get a shit wageslaving job, that I'll one day meet someone that used to know me and they'll spread the word to my coworkers and they will know of my bad reputation too. That shit happened to me before too, small country and city, word spreads quick, can't run away from it. (bonus cringe story: bumped into someone like that from school to whom I talked to when drunk. Holy shit I was so panicked I frozed and didn't shake their hand when they greeted me and wanted to, didn't even look at them, totally ignored them and walked away. Shit, now that dude spread all kinds of rumors about me and I dread seeing him again, and it was on a street that I will need to pass through quite often). I'd move away from this country but I can't for many reasons, among which I've grown too attached to my parents and cat and I can't leave them. Anyway, I admit that this last point is 100% my fault, of course. But still, iirc I became an alcoholic also due to how people treated me, in addition to my depression/anhedonia, and that was also in part due to how people treated me.
Anyway, back to my point: I imagined for a few seconds what it would be like to not be stressed when talking to people, to just hang out and be relaxed. Wow, that was quite a pleasant few seconds. And yet that'll never happen to me. Damn, hope maybe tonight the universe will take pity upon me and give me an aneurysm in my sleep.
