It's a very insidious kind of retardation, and I'll provide examples.
I can't use my brain anymore. Any sort of thing that requires even just a bit of mental focus/energy/effort, I avoid it as much as possible. Hell, at this point I'm not even avoiding it, I straight up can't do it. By my definition this means a person is retarded, and unfortunately I've turned myself into a retarded over the years. I'm not sure I can even blame my depression that's been with me for so many years, I may just be the personification of laziness in the universe.
I'm not even talking about productive shit, I haven't done something like that in years. A perfect example are the games Factorio and Rimworld. They are pretty complicated games. I've had them installed for like 1 year (deleted multiple times and reinstalled). But over that year I kept craving/wanting to play it. Anyway, I'm trying to show you that even a game that I really want to play, a game that is perfect for me - it's way too draining for me, it requires too much energy and thinking. And my brain is so rotten that I can't play it. Today I opened up Factorio late in the evening, after deciding to definitely play it today, but procrastinating on it all day (procrastinating playing games, a person like this shouldn't be allowed to live tbh), I opened it up eventually.
But my brain is so broken I couldn't actually play the game. All I did was move around in a car. Literally all my brain was capable of was pressing a few buttons and mindlessly watching like a retard watching paint dry. I couldn't actually play the game, my brain was almost afraid of using energy or starting to think, so it couldn't force itself to play the game even though the game was opened. I'm surprised I'm even able to make these posts. These are legit the most thinking, the most energy I use.
I gave examples of hard games, but easy games are just like that. I can physically feel it in my head, anything that requires the "gears" to start spinning is a no go. It has to be entertaining and really easy, like a retard watching glowing lights. That's the only thing I can do, watching lights glow.
Ohh right, I didn't even mention HOW I spend my 16 hours a day on my laptop. I lie in bed, my laptop is next to me. My left hand is on the keyboard, my right hand is on the mouse. It's like I'm bedridden in a coma, it's literally the least amount any human being could move.
Another example is studying, I even ignored my studies entirely. For the last several years I literally couldn't study at all, all I did was the bare absolute minimum. Hell, I fucked my life up by deliberately choosing degrees that wouldn't require any discipline, any using of the brain. I fucked myself over for life just so I could not use my brain too much. Something so easy any retard could do the bare minimum and have good grades. Well, I'll be paying for it my entire life since these degrees are so fucking useless. But to be honest I couldn't have chosen any other degree, my brain was so broken for so long, I was barely able to get up from bed much less study.
I didn't get like this over night. Many years of rotting have lead to this. Although it's not just rotting alone I guess. Iirc it was firstly years of depression, then something in me broke. Then some major traumatic shit went down for a long while, but eventually I just rotted so hard I never recovered. However, if instead had forced myself not to rot I wouldn't be as mentally broken and virtually incapacitated as I am now. Don't rot guys, do anything just don't rot. Idc if you go outside and just have a picnic, just go and do something, anything. Cause you'll get at a certain point when even thinking will be difficult. Ohh my, working is going to be actual torture for me.
I'm not even talking about productive shit, I haven't done something like that in years. A perfect example are the games Factorio and Rimworld. They are pretty complicated games. I've had them installed for like 1 year (deleted multiple times and reinstalled). But over that year I kept craving/wanting to play it. Anyway, I'm trying to show you that even a game that I really want to play, a game that is perfect for me - it's way too draining for me, it requires too much energy and thinking. And my brain is so rotten that I can't play it. Today I opened up Factorio late in the evening, after deciding to definitely play it today, but procrastinating on it all day (procrastinating playing games, a person like this shouldn't be allowed to live tbh), I opened it up eventually.
But my brain is so broken I couldn't actually play the game. All I did was move around in a car. Literally all my brain was capable of was pressing a few buttons and mindlessly watching like a retard watching paint dry. I couldn't actually play the game, my brain was almost afraid of using energy or starting to think, so it couldn't force itself to play the game even though the game was opened. I'm surprised I'm even able to make these posts. These are legit the most thinking, the most energy I use.
I gave examples of hard games, but easy games are just like that. I can physically feel it in my head, anything that requires the "gears" to start spinning is a no go. It has to be entertaining and really easy, like a retard watching glowing lights. That's the only thing I can do, watching lights glow.
Ohh right, I didn't even mention HOW I spend my 16 hours a day on my laptop. I lie in bed, my laptop is next to me. My left hand is on the keyboard, my right hand is on the mouse. It's like I'm bedridden in a coma, it's literally the least amount any human being could move.
Another example is studying, I even ignored my studies entirely. For the last several years I literally couldn't study at all, all I did was the bare absolute minimum. Hell, I fucked my life up by deliberately choosing degrees that wouldn't require any discipline, any using of the brain. I fucked myself over for life just so I could not use my brain too much. Something so easy any retard could do the bare minimum and have good grades. Well, I'll be paying for it my entire life since these degrees are so fucking useless. But to be honest I couldn't have chosen any other degree, my brain was so broken for so long, I was barely able to get up from bed much less study.
I didn't get like this over night. Many years of rotting have lead to this. Although it's not just rotting alone I guess. Iirc it was firstly years of depression, then something in me broke. Then some major traumatic shit went down for a long while, but eventually I just rotted so hard I never recovered. However, if instead had forced myself not to rot I wouldn't be as mentally broken and virtually incapacitated as I am now. Don't rot guys, do anything just don't rot. Idc if you go outside and just have a picnic, just go and do something, anything. Cause you'll get at a certain point when even thinking will be difficult. Ohh my, working is going to be actual torture for me.
