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Venting [Suicide Fuel] [Wall of text] Losing my mind as a incel HS teacher

IsolationHurts

IsolationHurts

Spanish Oldcel
★★★★
Joined
Nov 11, 2017
Posts
3,855
So many things happening in my life, none of them good, that i dont even know where to start. Ive been working as a HS teacher for more than two months now.
Firstly, sorry for bad english, im too depressed to correct the text. Also, i wont follow any order. Im drunk and sad. I just want to vent.
So... ive not been this depressed since college. Im litteraly at the verge of suicide. Isolation is winning the game, and i dont know what to do now. I have a job, but i dont feel any better.... actually, things are getting worse and worse.

I dont know if i should write about my miserable experience tbh. If i get caught and fired, i would kill myself instantly. This is the only job i can do, and i dont want to be homeless. But i actually like to share my experience with other incels. If i dont write here, i just cant write to anybody at all. I dont have any fucking friends. Its so fucking sad. I wish we ugly males were treated like humans. I really need some human respect lately. Im so tired of hiding and pretending. Specially when everyone that sees my face and height knows im subhuman, its so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course. So... everyone has friends. Im actually a very very rare specimen in this fucking world, it seems. Being reminded about it hurts beyond human capacity. We are fucking reaching godly levels of pain, with no godly levels of pain resistance.

My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.

You know... I used to read, a lot. I could barely read the last two years, because i had to study to get this job... But I loved to read when i was younger and i didnt realized that i wasnt even human. I didnt even mind to read romantic stuff... It hurts so much to think about me in the past, when i thought that i also could get involved in a relationship like humans do... But not going to lie. I cant now. I cant read, i cant watch films, i cant play games, i cant even come here to the only place in the universe that i can be accepted as a ugly male because of social anxiety and fucking depression. Im so tired and depressed, this is beyond what humans are designed to bare. My life is just a chaos now, and its not going to be better, at all. All i can do is go to work, come back, get drunk, cry and sleep. I just want a human life. This is not a life, this is nothing.

The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.

Most days im basically asexual (depression helps a lot) but when im not... its hell. Litteraly hell. The worst hell i could ever imagined. I am so emotionally upset after seeing all the jb's as sexual objects (which I evade 99% of the time) that I feel a total and absolute anxiety: the tachycardic heart, sweating, incapable of thinking straight... and when i finally leave the HS, its like being sick. I have to go back and sleep like im litteraly sick as if i had fever. I really dont want to fuck them, im way too beta to even think about it seriously but... their presence, their perfect bodies, their voices.... how to fucking ignore those. I can delide myself thinking that jb´s dont exist, that they are not as attractive, that there are not so many, they dont like older men... but when you have to be with tons of them for hours every day, i just cant delude myself. They exist, there are a lot of them, they are absurdly attractive and they would love to fuck every chad that they have near them. This is the truth. It hurts so fucking much....

Ive done so many stupid things. All of them because, for a moment, i doubted about my subhumanity. Not again. Ever. It was before christmas holydays. There is a foid teacher that seemed to be interested in me (i know, i know... let me be retarded for a while). Older than me, divorced, had no kids (apparently), allways smiling at me, trying to help me (because im a noob), even made some physical contact once (grabbed me by the arm)... and she was my looksmatch or below (im a solid 3/10 again, because i really take the time to shave, dress well, shower, wear contact lenses...). She was kind to everyone, but specially and clearly towards me. So, i thought... why not? She is the one that seems interested, she talks to me and smiles at me. Im not a creep if i just follow her clues and, just... just.. invite her to take a coffee (with a good excuse, i wanted to know something about the teacher im substituting, it was not a "date", just half an hour talking with her, we bot "alone" in the bar, like im human, you know...). Yep. I did it again. Male thirst knows no limits, it is true. After i dont even know, probably more than 100 real life rejections (and +1000 online), i TRIED IT AGAIN. Like a fucking MORON. AAAAAAnd got fucking rejected, of course. She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness. I dont even know what the fuck went wrong. It wasnt a date. Was it so fucking obvious? Am i that ugly? That socially retarded? Did i just assumed that her basic kindness were massive IOI´s towards me? But ive not seen her behaving that kind towards anyone... I dont know. It hurt so much.

I tried to pay for some therapy again too. But i payed and... never went. The therapist finally stopped calling back some days ago. I dont want to talk to him. I CANT talk to him. All i can do is shut the fuck up or cry, and i didnt want to cry in front of a stranger that probably hates me anyway.

I was supposed to study logic during the vacations, because i have NO IDEA about it, and i had to began to explain it... today. But the moment i went back to my parents house, all the depression i avoided and pretended to not be there hit again. I rediscovered myself, my "true self" ... a pathetic being, neither animal nor human, who will live and die completely alone for reasons beyond my control. A sad piece of reality that does not work and wants to die but can not because he is too coward. Meat uselessly vertical, as Cioran said. A piece of who knows what that refuses to die despite being a walking contradiction. The ugliest ornament of emptiness. A great shit that no one can love or respect. A machine made of meat and feces, designed to function as a human being, but never will and its in pain, like a fucking cancer. A permanent and painful state of eternal interruption of the human nature. A bridge to a place that no one wants to go to and everyone has forgotten already. A greeting to absolutely nobody, a farewell to absolutely nobody. That is what I am, and what I will always be. A monster. The most useless suspension of nothingness ever happened.
So... i didnt study logic. I didnt write here, i could not even play fucking leage of legeds. Ive spent my entire christmas crying and smoking as much weed as i can (because i finally have money) and today I made a fool of myself because I did not really know what I was explaining. But who cares.

Not me. Not you. Nobody cares. And its nobodys fault. Im a monster, my life is shit, and i really dont know what to do with it. It never fucking began. Im so tired of this. If this is the "economical liberation of having a job", if this is as much as I can aspire to as a subhuman crap, then I think I've had enough. I dont even know what to do with the money. All i do is buying alcohol and weed. If it wasnt for the drugs, i would be dead by now.
And lets not talk about my family, my male cousins and my brother having all of them beautiful gf´s. Lets not talk about couples in class. Lets not talk about happy music about being human and having freinds during christmas. Lets not talk about so much stuff that wants me dead.

This is what i wanted. To have a job, to have money, to finally leave my parents house again. And its hell. The best that life can offer me is hell :feelsbadman:
 
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fuck man. what a brutal post. there is truly no salvation for you based on your writings

if you ever wanna play some league of legends or just talk, hmu on pms or discord or something...

 
I don't know what to say. I'm still in school myself and i notice the incel teachers and no one has any fucking respect for them. Students and even teachers treat me and other subhuman students and teachers like an android incapable of feeling or thinking, just because I look like I don't know what's happening or I'm a retard just because of looks. The worst thing is is that it's acceptable; it would be heinous to treat a black person or something different because of factors out of their control so why don't we have the same protection? People are heartless and more monstrous on the inside than we are on the outside. They are virtue signalling, arrogant, pretentious, herd following brats and cunts who take advantage of the limitations placed upon us by biology and society. I hope it gets better man but just keep the brave face on even if it doesn't. Major respect for you :heart:
 
damn im sry man, JBs are sui fuel
 
if you ever wanna play some league of legends or just talk, hmu on pms or discord or something...

Thanks dude. I really appreciate it.

I don't know what to say.

Dont worry, im not looking for advice.

I'm still in school myself and i notice the incel teachers and no one has any fucking respect for them.

Indeed. There is a math teacher that is even more ugly than me (also way older) and we are now kind of friends because of that. I have not even mentioned it, but i think we both know that the only thing in common we have is that humans treat us like shit. Also, i allways treat ugly males (and even an incredibly ugly foid) with respect. Always. I can feel their lack of self steem and social skills a mile away, and i know its just because they are ugly, so i dont FUCKING want to do like the rest of the members of my species and ignore and insult them. Instead, i always answer their questions, i get close to them when they are alone and clearly depressed and talk with them about anything, i let some of them join me while im going back to my house so they can talk to someone... Not gonna lie, it breaks my heart to see ugly males this isolated. Only one of them lacks any kind of friends, but anyway... i know their "friends" treat them like shit also, because they are ugly beta males. And, even if i dont want anyone to think i have a (incel) hidden agenda, I can not avoid offering them what they probably will never have in the future: someone that truly listens to them, smiles at them, treats them like humans (i can be very elegant if i want), etc... But i know there is nothing to do. I never talk to them about the black pill, NEVER. Some of them probably think im a normie, because i can pretend to have a lot of self steem and that kind of stuff. I know they need to feel human.

People are heartless and more monstrous on the inside than we are on the outside. They are virtue signalling, arrogant, pretentious, herd following brats and cunts who take advantage of the limitations placed upon us by biology and society.
Indeed.... normies love to remind us that we will never have a normal life. And foids are litteraly genetically programmed to hate ugly males, so they dont even have a choice.
I hope it gets better man but just keep the brave face on even if it doesn't. Major respect for you :heart:
Thanks! I really appreaciate it.
damn im sry man, JBs are sui fuel
Thanks. And they are, no doubt about it.
 
So many things happening in my life, none of them good, that i dont even know where to start. Ive been working as a HS teacher for more than two months now.
Firstly, sorry for bad english, im too depressed to correct the text. Also, i wont follow any order. Im drunk and sad. I just want to vent.
So... ive not been this depressed since college. Im litteraly at the verge of suicide. Isolation is winning the game, and i dont know what to do now. I have a job, but i dont feel any better.... actually, things are getting worse and worse.

I dont know if i should write about my miserable experience tbh. If i get caught and fired, i would kill myself instantly. This is the only job i can do, and i dont want to be homeless. But i actually like to share my experience with other incels. If i dont write here, i just cant write to anybody at all. I dont have any fucking friends. Its so fucking sad. I wish we ugly males were treated like humans. I really need some human respect lately. Im so tired of hiding and pretending. Specially when everyone that sees my face and height knows im subhuman, its so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course. So... everyone has friends. Im actually a very very rare specimen in this fucking world, it seems. Being reminded about it hurts beyond human capacity. We are fucking reaching godly levels of pain, with no godly levels of pain resistance.

My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.

You know... I used to read, a lot. I could barely read the last two years, because i had to study to get this job... But I loved to read when i was younger and i didnt realized that i wasnt even human. I didnt even mind to read romantic stuff... It hurts so much to think about me in the past, when i thought that i also could get involved in a relationship like humans do... But not going to lie. I cant now. I cant read, i cant watch films, i cant play games, i cant even come here to the only place in the universe that i can be accepted as a ugly male because of social anxiety and fucking depression. Im so tired and depressed, this is beyond what humans are designed to bare. My life is just a chaos now, and its not going to be better, at all. All i can do is go to work, come back, get drunk, cry and sleep. I just want a human life. This is not a life, this is nothing.

The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.

Most days im basically asexual (depression helps a lot) but when im not... its hell. Litteraly hell. The worst hell i could ever imagined. I am so emotionally upset after seeing all the jb's as sexual objects (which I evade 99% of the time) that I feel a total and absolute anxiety: the tachycardic heart, sweating, incapable of thinking straight... and when i finally leave the HS, its like being sick. I have to go back and sleep like im litteraly sick as if i had fever. I really dont want to fuck them, im way too beta to even think about it seriously but... their presence, their perfect bodies, their voices.... how to fucking ignore those. I can delide myself thinking that jb´s dont exist, that they are not as attractive, that there are not so many, they dont like older men... but when you have to be with tons of them for hours every day, i just cant delude myself. They exist, there are a lot of them, they are absurdly attractive and they would love to fuck every chad that they have near them. This is the truth. It hurts so fucking much....

Ive done so many stupid things. All of them because, for a moment, i doubted about my subhumanity. Not again. Ever. It was before christmas holydays. There is a foid teacher that seemed to be interested in me (i know, i know... let me be retarded for a while). Older than me, divorced, had no kids (apparently), allways smiling at me, trying to help me (because im a noob), even made some physical contact once (grabbed me by the arm)... and she was my looksmatch or below (im a solid 3/10 again, because i really take the time to shave, dress well, shower, wear contact lenses...). She was kind to everyone, but specially and clearly towards me. So, i thought... why not? She is the one that seems interested, she talks to me and smiles at me. Im not a creep if i just follow her clues and, just... just.. invite her to take a coffee (with a good excuse, i wanted to know something about the teacher im substituting, it was not a "date", just half an hour talking with her, we bot "alone" in the bar, like im human, you know...). Yep. I did it again. Male thirst knows no limits, it is true. After i dont even know, probably more than 100 real life rejections (and +1000 online), i TRIED IT AGAIN. Like a fucking MORON. AAAAAAnd got fucking rejected, of course. She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness. I dont even know what the fuck went wrong. It wasnt a date. Was it so fucking obvious? Am i that ugly? That socially retarded? Did i just assumed that her basic kindness were massive IOI´s towards me? But ive not seen her behaving that kind towards anyone... I dont know. It hurt so much.

I tried to pay for some therapy again too. But i payed and... never went. The therapist finally stopped calling back some days ago. I dont want to talk to him. I CANT talk to him. All i can do is shut the fuck up or cry, and i didnt want to cry in front of a stranger that probably hates me anyway.

I was supposed to study logic during the vacations, because i have NO IDEA about it, and i had to began to explain it... today. But the moment i went back to my parents house, all the depression i avoided and pretended to not be there hit again. I rediscovered myself, my "true self" ... a pathetic being, neither animal nor human, who will live and die completely alone for reasons beyond my control. A sad piece of reality that does not work and wants to die but can not because he is too coward. Meat uselessly vertical, as Cioran said. A piece of who knows what that refuses to die despite being a walking contradiction. The ugliest ornament of emptiness. A great shit that no one can love or respect. A machine made of meat and feces, designed to function as a human being, but never will and its in pain, like a fucking cancer. A permanent and painful state of eternal interruption of the human nature. A bridge to a place that no one wants to go to and everyone has forgotten already. A greeting to absolutely nobody, a farewell to absolutely nobody. That is what I am, and what I will always be. A monster. The most useless suspension of nothingness ever happened.
So... i didnt study logic. I didnt write here, i could not even play fucking leage of legeds. Ive spent my entire christmas crying and smoking as much weed as i can (because i finally have money) and today I made a fool of myself because I did not really know what I was explaining. But who cares.

Not me. Not you. Nobody cares. And its nobodys fault. Im a monster, my life is shit, and i really dont know what to do with it. It never fucking began. Im so tired of this. If this is the "economical liberation of having a job", if this is as much as I can aspire to as a subhuman crap, then I think I've had enough. I dont even know what to do with the money. All i do is buying alcohol and weed. If it wasnt for the drugs, i would be dead by now.
And lets not talk about my family, my male cousins and my brother having all of them beautiful gf´s. Lets not talk about couples in class. Lets not talk about happy music about being human and having freinds during christmas. Lets not talk about so much stuff that wants me dead.

This is what i wanted. To have a job, to have money, to finally leave my parents house again. And its hell. The best that life can offer me is hell :feelsbadman:
Take propranolol. It'll help you feel calm.
 
Take propranolol. It'll help you feel calm.

Very interesting. It seems to treat all my symptoms. Can i ask you something? Im already taking (not every day) anxiolytics, and i think they dont help me as much as this shiet would help me. Is it even better? Should i substitute one for the other and give it a try?
 
Support for a teachercel :heart::heart::heart: I'd love to have you as a teacher tbh most of my teachers are retarded arrogant cunts.
 
Very interesting. It seems to treat all my symptoms. Can i ask you something? Im already taking (not every day) anxiolytics, and i think they dont help me as much as this shiet would help me. Is it even better? Should i substitute one for the other and give it a try?
I've never taken anxiolytics. So I don't know about that. Personally I'm conservative about combining meds and would not take both at the same time. Try only propranolol for a week or so without taking any anxiolytic.

I personally take 10mg a day. Every once in a while I'll take 20. What prop does is stop the runaway chain reaction that starts after that initial anxious feeling. Eliminates the physical symptoms - quickening heart beat, sweaty palms and feet, tunnel vision etc. You'll notice it the day you take it. I'm not saying it's a wonder drug but it helps me.

Should be easy to get prescribed. It's cheap as well - the generic version anyway. There's no harm in trying - it's one of the safest drugs invented - especially at the low dosages for anxiety - 10-40mg/day.
 
I don't know what to say. I'm still in school myself and i notice the incel teachers and no one has any fucking respect for them. Students and even teachers treat me and other subhuman students and teachers like an android incapable of feeling or thinking, just because I look like I don't know what's happening or I'm a retard just because of looks. The worst thing is is that it's acceptable; it would be heinous to treat a black person or something different because of factors out of their control so why don't we have the same protection? People are heartless and more monstrous on the inside than we are on the outside. They are virtue signalling, arrogant, pretentious, herd following brats and cunts who take advantage of the limitations placed upon us by biology and society. I hope it gets better man but just keep the brave face on even if it doesn't. Major respect for you :heart:
I agree, nobody has respect for incel teachers. Nobody takes them serious.
 
Support for a teachercel :heart::heart::heart: I'd love to have you as a teacher tbh most of my teachers are retarded arrogant cunts.

Thanks! :feelsokman: I would love to go to a incel-exclusive, male-exclusive high school lol It would littearly solve all my problems.
Most teachers are good looking and tall normies. And, at least in my country, 80% of them are foids. So... yeah. They are incapable of any kind of compassion towards ugly males. This is the sad world we live in.
 
You mentioned weed and I know most people here are gonna be upset about my post but I want to help you. Cut down on the weed. You sound like you're having an existential crisis, you seem detached from your own self, and mentioned lots of anxiety, all of these are symptoms of chronic weed smoking
 
I've never taken anxiolytics. So I don't know about that. Personally I'm conservative about combining meds and would not take both at the same time. Try only propranolol for a week or so without taking any anxiolytic.

I personally take 10mg a day. Every once in a while I'll take 20. What prop does is stop the runaway chain reaction that starts after that initial anxious feeling. Eliminates the physical symptoms - quickening heart beat, sweaty palms and feet, tunnel vision etc. You'll notice it the day you take it. I'm not saying it's a wonder drug but it helps me.

Should be easy to get prescribed. It's cheap as well - the generic version anyway. There's no harm in trying - it's one of the safest drugs invented - especially at the low dosages for anxiety - 10-40mg/day.

Thank you a lot. :feelsokman:
I will try it, if I can drag myself to the nearest pharmacy.
I agree, nobody has respect for incel teachers. Nobody takes them serious.
I can confirm....

You mentioned weed and I know most people here are gonna be upset about my post but I want to help you. Cut down on the weed. You sound like you're having an existential crisis, you seem detached from your own self, and mentioned lots of anxiety, all of these are symptoms of chronic weed smoking

Thanks for the advice. I dont smoke that much... only weekends and vacations. I smoke litteraly all i can during those, ngl. 20-30 joints per day. I dont want to smoke from monday to friday because i really need the job, and i dont want them to know or even suspect that im addicted to weed. We have a problem with weed and teens in Spain, and im supposed to be opposed to taking drugs and teach them how nice is to be sober and that kind of stuff... so i dont want any risks.
Ive been living in an existential crisis since im 21 or so... but i know what you mean. It is true that weed causes anxiety and paranoia when smoked as often as i do. I do not think that quitting smoking will help me in any way. It's the only source of dopamine (and satisfaction and happines and distraction) that I have left. When I get up in the mornings, I think about all the weed I'm going to smoke that weekend and I find SOME motivation to continue. If you want me to tell you the truth, I think so many years of smoking have ruined the few dopamine receptors I was born with. Without marijuana, honestly, I become an anhedonic person. I tried quitting it a lot of times, and it never works. Last time i tried, i joined a buddhist sect and started to meditate more than 4 hours per day. It almost makes me go nuts.
But thanks.
 
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"so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course"

I oppose this:
Teachers forcing students to be NT, it would've pissed me off if some snooty ass teacher were to tell me "just be social br0! just get friends br0!" And force me into some retarded program.
Because i'm neuroatypical, i haven't one need for a large pool of fuckers dicking around with small talk, i don't want that, i want nothing to do with it, having friends is the least of my concern and it's not "weird" not to have any friends, not to anyone who isn't most normalfaggish in nature, i do however empathize a bit with you eh, because i'm also ugly, but that's about all.
(Your possible lack of punctuation could give the paragraph a whole different meaning but i'm unsure)

Inb4 "br0 atypical is synonymous with weird br0!!!"

Also: god of effort posting, fucking hell write a novel or essays about loneliness and other negative shit like that, you could be a successful writer.
 
Man, I couldn't be HS teacher ...
I'd go Anakin on them, tbh.
28 years of inceldom have scarred me too much to have empathy with stupid annoying kids.
 
Thank you a lot. :feelsokman:
I will try it, if I can drag myself to the nearest pharmacy.

I can confirm....



Thanks for the advice. I dont smoke that much... only weekends and vacations. I smoke litteraly all i can during those, ngl. 20-30 joints per day. I dont want to smoke from monday to friday because i really need the job, and i dont want them to know or even suspect that im addicted to weed. We have a problem with weed and teens in Spain, and im supposed to be opposed to taking drugs and teach them how nice is to be sober and that kind of stuff... so i dont want any risks.
Ive been living in an existential crisis since im 21 or so... but i know what you mean. It is true that weed causes anxiety and paranoia when smoked as often as i do. I do not think that quitting smoking will help me in any way. It's the only source of dopamine (and satisfaction and happines and distraction) that I have left. When I get up in the mornings, I think about all the weed I'm going to smoke that weekend and I find SOME motivation to continue. If you want me to tell you the truth, I think so many years of smoking have ruined the few dopamine receptors I was born with. Without marijuana, honestly, I become an anhedonic person. I tried quitting it a lot of times, and it never works. Last time i tried, i joined a buddhist sect and started to meditate more than 4 hours per day. It almost makes me go nuts.
But thanks.
Well what can I say then, good luck, you seem to possess the knowledge yet lack the willpower, I hope it all works out for you in the end I truly do
 
I'd love to live long enough to witness those cunts who think they are godesses completely reduced to second-class citizenry by some sort of masculinist shifting of the current gynocentric paradigm on its ass, wouldn't you?
 
I read everything and I wish you the best.
 
Fuck man... I read it and I'm looking at the screen trying to think of something helpful to say but I'm blank. I have similar feelings but not as bad, I feel like I'm too young and inexperienced to actually empathize with what you wrote. Since you were venting I hope me reading it means something and I hope stuff turns out well for you tbh.
 
The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.

Can confirm. This is one more reason why MGTOW/ish collapse porn is so absurd: women will not beg men to "betabux" for them, because the average women will make more money and have a better job than the average man. For men these days, being lazy, ignorant and self-destructive is part of being masculine, while women grow up with all these arrogant role models in pantsuits and they work really, really hard. It's everywhere. Seen a modern orchestra lately? All musicians under 40 are female. By contrast, bakeries, cashiers, secretaries, all these traditionally female jobs are more and more often done by men now. And with female nature being as it is, there is no way that some sort of "role reversal" will occur where women will provide for "househusbands". Instead, they will compete for a tiny minority of high-status Chads while men will be reduced to ghetto peasants whose sexuality will be almost completely criminalized.
 
I oppose this:
Teachers forcing students to be NT, it would've pissed me off if some snooty ass teacher were to tell me "just be social br0! just get friends br0!" And force me into some retarded program.
Because i'm neuroatypical, i haven't one need for a large pool of fuckers dicking around with small talk, i don't want that, i want nothing to do with it, having friends is the least of my concern and it's not "weird" not to have any friends, not to anyone who isn't most normalfaggish in nature, i do however empathize a bit with you eh, because i'm also ugly, but that's about all.
(Your possible lack of punctuation could give the paragraph a whole different meaning but i'm unsure)

All i wanted to say is that i was very shocked when, during a meeting of all the teachers of a class, we had to talk about a kid that had no friends at all, because everyone was trying to explain their theories about why is he so lonely, and all of them were fucking bluepilled (he lacks confidence, he lacks social skills, his parents did this and that, once he said this or that...) when the answer was in fron of them all the time: he fucking kid is a male and hes fucking ugly. Thats fucking all. Ugly males are treated like subhumans, its obvious but is so anti-PC that they have to pretend they are looking for a hidden and smart answer. Also, i was very shocked at the fact that nobody could believe that friendless people existed, while im sitting there, pretending to be NT and social and having friends... it was fucking hell. I never had a friend in my whole life, and nobody payed me any attention, nobody cared at all. Im not saying that talking to their parents, paying special attention to the kid, forcing him to socialize... would work for me or for him. Idk, and probably would be an humiliating experience, as you say. All im saying is that... it was so disturbing to know what normies think about friendless people like me... and depressing. Very very depressing. I cannot express it with words. Im discovering who i was during HS now, because social outcasts are like me. Its so depressing to know that being friendless is JUST WRONG, its a EXTREMELY SERIOUS PROBLEM that needs to be attended, that anybody with zero friends would become a USELESS HUMAN from a social point of view and a UNHAPPY PERSON from a psicological point of view, and a POTENTIAL RAPIST AND MURDERER from a legal perspective..... so much shit. They were litteraly talking about me, whithout knowing. I will never forget that.
Sorry for the bad english btw. Thanks for reading something that is barely understandable.
Also: god of effort posting, fucking hell write a novel or essays about loneliness and other negative shit like that, you could be a successful writer.
wow, thanks! Sometimes i think about writing something about our condition as incels (before killing myself, so at least i would have done something for the community), most people cant imagine how it feels like to be a complete outcast and a subhuman (let alone understanding it or feeling compassion towards it)
 
My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.

Mostly I never respect anyone, because nobody derserves it, but you do. You are wearing a mask all day long only sustained by your iron willpower. You have to pretend you were someone else. You are living two lifes.

The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone.

This is also now happening. Females tend to treat their environment careless. They do not look to anyone, not even to decent looking men. They just look straight forward while walking, expecting you to dodge. Because when the princess is walking the peasants have to acknowledge her, even tho' she treats you like thin air.

She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness.

Such a typical reaction. Females treat other men like asexual objects. They will cuck every men.
All i wanted to say is that i was very shocked when, during a meeting of all the teachers of a class, we had to talk about a kid that had no friends at all, because everyone was trying to explain their theories about why is he so lonely, and all of them were fucking bluepilled (he lacks confidence, he lacks social skills, his parents did this and that, once he said this or that...) when the answer was in fron of them all the time: he fucking kid is a male and hes fucking ugly. Thats fucking all. Ugly males are treated like subhumans, its obvious but is so anti-PC that they have to pretend they are looking for a hidden and smart answer.

People hate the truth in general. They will never talk about the elephant in the room. They will just express the typical phrasemongering.
 
Fuck man... I read it and I'm looking at the screen trying to think of something helpful to say but I'm blank. I have similar feelings but not as bad, I feel like I'm too young and inexperienced to actually empathize with what you wrote. Since you were venting I hope me reading it means something and I hope stuff turns out well for you tbh.
Dont worry, im just venting, not looking for advice. I just like to share this... shit with other people like me. It helps with the isolation. Thank you for reading it all. It helps me a lot, really. And thanks, i really hope this shit gets better. And i also hope you can escape this hellish condition... Btw I have some people PMing me from time to time, giving me tips and stuff, so it could be way worse.
Btw... how old are you?
 
All i wanted to say is that i was very shocked when, during a meeting of all the teachers of a class, we had to talk about a kid that had no friends at all, because everyone was trying to explain their theories about why is he so lonely, and all of them were fucking bluepilled (he lacks confidence, he lacks social skills, his parents did this and that, once he said this or that...) when the answer was in fron of them all the time: he fucking kid is a male and hes fucking ugly. Thats fucking all. Ugly males are treated like subhumans, its obvious but is so anti-PC that they have to pretend they are looking for a hidden and smart answer. Also, i was very shocked at the fact that nobody could believe that friendless people existed, while im sitting there, pretending to be NT and social and having friends... it was fucking hell. I never had a friend in my whole life, and nobody payed me any attention, nobody cared at all. Im not saying that talking to their parents, paying special attention to the kid, forcing him to socialize... would work for me or for him. Idk, and probably would be an humiliating experience, as you say. All im saying is that... it was so disturbing to know what normies think about friendless people like me... and depressing. Very very depressing. I cannot express it with words. Im discovering who i was during HS now, because social outcasts are like me. Its so depressing to know that being friendless is JUST WRONG, its a EXTREMELY SERIOUS PROBLEM that needs to be attended, that anybody with zero friends would become a USELESS HUMAN from a social point of view and a UNHAPPY PERSON from a psicological point of view, and a POTENTIAL RAPIST AND MURDERER from a legal perspective..... so much shit. They were litteraly talking about me, whithout knowing. I will never forget that.
Sorry for the bad english btw. Thanks for reading something that is barely understandable.

wow, thanks! Sometimes i think about writing something about our condition as incels (before killing myself, so at least i would have done something for the community), most people cant imagine how it feels like to be a complete outcast and a subhuman (let alone understanding it or feeling compassion towards it)
Normies will be normies, don't force yourself to be NT around them, you don't have to if you don't want to.
 
Can confirm. This is one more reason why MGTOW/ish collapse porn is so absurd: women will not beg men to "betabux" for them, because the average women will make more money and have a better job than the average man. For men these days, being lazy, ignorant and self-destructive is part of being masculine, while women grow up with all these arrogant role models in pantsuits and they work really, really hard. It's everywhere. Seen a modern orchestra lately? All musicians under 40 are female. By contrast, bakeries, cashiers, secretaries, all these traditionally female jobs are more and more often done by men now. And with female nature being as it is, there is no way that some sort of "role reversal" will occur where women will provide for "househusbands". Instead, they will compete for a tiny minority of high-status Chads while men will be reduced to ghetto peasants whose sexuality will be almost completely criminalized.

Indeed, 100% true. I could not believe that not even 10% of male students want to go to college, but litteraly every foid student wants to, and most of them are going to study male degrees like engineering and chemistry. Males never ask questions during classes, never deliver voluntary work, are completely submissive to foids, lack any kind of aspiration or ambition... I can feel the shame they feel for just being male a mile away (except for chads, obviously). Half of them are femenine or VERY femenine, i have 5 or 6 gay dudes (when gay males should be just 1 or 2 for every 100)... I guess it will not be that bad in my next high school, but in this one, its terrible. Our culture is changing so fast that i can barely recognize what i see... and i was in HS just 11 years ago.
I litteraly could not believe it. Maybe the worst part is that teachers (most of them foids) dont see any problem with this. No problem whatsoever. In the future, foids will have it all. Political, economical, academic and socio-cultural power will belong to females. Its the obvious consequence of this absurd social tendencies that we, the nihilist west, have created trying to destroy ourselves. So... they will become the elite and, indeed ,compete for the top 5%-10% of males, while the rest of the male population live their lifes as if foids dont even exist, or, even worse, as if they are litteraly godesses to serve and never question; while any sign of masculinity (if youre not in the top) will be presecuted.
Mostly I never respect anyone, because nobody derserves it, but you do. You are wearing a mask all day long only sustained by your iron willpower. You have to pretend you were someone else. You are living two lifes.

Wow, thanks! My iron willpower is just my desire to not be a NEET, mostly because its just a matter of time that i become a homeless person. But yes... im basically living two lifes now. And its killing me. I didnt have to do this since college.
This is also now happening. Females tend to treat their environment careless. They do not look to anyone, not even to decent looking men. They just look straight forward while walking, expecting you to dodge. Because when the princess is walking the peasants have to acknowledge her, even tho' she treats you like thin air.



Such a typical reaction. Females treat other men like asexual objects. They will cuck every men.


People hate the truth in general. They will never talk about the elephant in the room. They will just express the typical phrasemongering.

Yes, indeed. I wanted to write about it... how females behave, their mannerisms. They have changed a lot... most of them behave so mega-entitled that i feel restrained and scared when they are near. Specially Stacies.... each of their movements reflects an absolute metaphysical superiority with respect to all other people and to the whole reality. Godess is the best word to describe it for me. It is as if they were doing the greatest favor of all to the entire universe just by existing. Its hard to explain. Just by looking at them you know that they feel entitled to everything. Its hard to explain.
And yes, my coworkers are bluepilled to the bone. Education in general is completely cucked by this point.
Normies will be normies, don't force yourself to be NT around them, you don't have to if you don't want to.
My job is basically to pretend to be NT, social and happy around teachers and students. The teaching part is actually easy. And i guess i "want" to do it. I need the money. I dont want to be a beggar.
I'm a 20yo collegecuck.
Didnt know. I thought you were older. Good luck with college.
Man, I couldn't be HS teacher ...
I'd go Anakin on them, tbh.
28 years of inceldom have scarred me too much to have empathy with stupid annoying kids.

Didnt know we had the same age. Good to know.
I would quit and try to get a lonely job, better suited for an autistic beta incel like me, but i know that this is the only job i can really do, and that after this one, there is no other but the cold streets as a beggar.
Well what can I say then, good luck, you seem to possess the knowledge yet lack the willpower, I hope it all works out for you in the end I truly do

Thanks man. Same, i hope you are more lucky than me in life and ascend. Nobody deserves this.
I'd love to live long enough to witness those cunts who think they are godesses completely reduced to second-class citizenry by some sort of masculinist shifting of the current gynocentric paradigm on its ass, wouldn't you?
:feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman::feelsokman:
I would kill to see this
I read everything and I wish you the best.

Thank you for reading, it means a lot for my emotional incel ass. And same, wish you the best!

Damn, sounds brutal. Good luck brother

Thank you, good luck you too!
 
Last edited:
HS was suicide fuel and u returned there :feelsbadman:
But we have to get money somehow
 
The part about the jbs was painful. I would kms or find another job if I had to work that closely with JBs
 
This might be the saddest post I've read in over twenty years of posting in various forums.
 
So many things happening in my life, none of them good, that i dont even know where to start. Ive been working as a HS teacher for more than two months now.
Firstly, sorry for bad english, im too depressed to correct the text. Also, i wont follow any order. Im drunk and sad. I just want to vent.
So... ive not been this depressed since college. Im litteraly at the verge of suicide. Isolation is winning the game, and i dont know what to do now. I have a job, but i dont feel any better.... actually, things are getting worse and worse.

I dont know if i should write about my miserable experience tbh. If i get caught and fired, i would kill myself instantly. This is the only job i can do, and i dont want to be homeless. But i actually like to share my experience with other incels. If i dont write here, i just cant write to anybody at all. I dont have any fucking friends. Its so fucking sad. I wish we ugly males were treated like humans. I really need some human respect lately. Im so tired of hiding and pretending. Specially when everyone that sees my face and height knows im subhuman, its so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course. So... everyone has friends. Im actually a very very rare specimen in this fucking world, it seems. Being reminded about it hurts beyond human capacity. We are fucking reaching godly levels of pain, with no godly levels of pain resistance.

My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.

You know... I used to read, a lot. I could barely read the last two years, because i had to study to get this job... But I loved to read when i was younger and i didnt realized that i wasnt even human. I didnt even mind to read romantic stuff... It hurts so much to think about me in the past, when i thought that i also could get involved in a relationship like humans do... But not going to lie. I cant now. I cant read, i cant watch films, i cant play games, i cant even come here to the only place in the universe that i can be accepted as a ugly male because of social anxiety and fucking depression. Im so tired and depressed, this is beyond what humans are designed to bare. My life is just a chaos now, and its not going to be better, at all. All i can do is go to work, come back, get drunk, cry and sleep. I just want a human life. This is not a life, this is nothing.

The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.

Most days im basically asexual (depression helps a lot) but when im not... its hell. Litteraly hell. The worst hell i could ever imagined. I am so emotionally upset after seeing all the jb's as sexual objects (which I evade 99% of the time) that I feel a total and absolute anxiety: the tachycardic heart, sweating, incapable of thinking straight... and when i finally leave the HS, its like being sick. I have to go back and sleep like im litteraly sick as if i had fever. I really dont want to fuck them, im way too beta to even think about it seriously but... their presence, their perfect bodies, their voices.... how to fucking ignore those. I can delide myself thinking that jb´s dont exist, that they are not as attractive, that there are not so many, they dont like older men... but when you have to be with tons of them for hours every day, i just cant delude myself. They exist, there are a lot of them, they are absurdly attractive and they would love to fuck every chad that they have near them. This is the truth. It hurts so fucking much....

Ive done so many stupid things. All of them because, for a moment, i doubted about my subhumanity. Not again. Ever. It was before christmas holydays. There is a foid teacher that seemed to be interested in me (i know, i know... let me be retarded for a while). Older than me, divorced, had no kids (apparently), allways smiling at me, trying to help me (because im a noob), even made some physical contact once (grabbed me by the arm)... and she was my looksmatch or below (im a solid 3/10 again, because i really take the time to shave, dress well, shower, wear contact lenses...). She was kind to everyone, but specially and clearly towards me. So, i thought... why not? She is the one that seems interested, she talks to me and smiles at me. Im not a creep if i just follow her clues and, just... just.. invite her to take a coffee (with a good excuse, i wanted to know something about the teacher im substituting, it was not a "date", just half an hour talking with her, we bot "alone" in the bar, like im human, you know...). Yep. I did it again. Male thirst knows no limits, it is true. After i dont even know, probably more than 100 real life rejections (and +1000 online), i TRIED IT AGAIN. Like a fucking MORON. AAAAAAnd got fucking rejected, of course. She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness. I dont even know what the fuck went wrong. It wasnt a date. Was it so fucking obvious? Am i that ugly? That socially retarded? Did i just assumed that her basic kindness were massive IOI´s towards me? But ive not seen her behaving that kind towards anyone... I dont know. It hurt so much.

I tried to pay for some therapy again too. But i payed and... never went. The therapist finally stopped calling back some days ago. I dont want to talk to him. I CANT talk to him. All i can do is shut the fuck up or cry, and i didnt want to cry in front of a stranger that probably hates me anyway.

I was supposed to study logic during the vacations, because i have NO IDEA about it, and i had to began to explain it... today. But the moment i went back to my parents house, all the depression i avoided and pretended to not be there hit again. I rediscovered myself, my "true self" ... a pathetic being, neither animal nor human, who will live and die completely alone for reasons beyond my control. A sad piece of reality that does not work and wants to die but can not because he is too coward. Meat uselessly vertical, as Cioran said. A piece of who knows what that refuses to die despite being a walking contradiction. The ugliest ornament of emptiness. A great shit that no one can love or respect. A machine made of meat and feces, designed to function as a human being, but never will and its in pain, like a fucking cancer. A permanent and painful state of eternal interruption of the human nature. A bridge to a place that no one wants to go to and everyone has forgotten already. A greeting to absolutely nobody, a farewell to absolutely nobody. That is what I am, and what I will always be. A monster. The most useless suspension of nothingness ever happened.
So... i didnt study logic. I didnt write here, i could not even play fucking leage of legeds. Ive spent my entire christmas crying and smoking as much weed as i can (because i finally have money) and today I made a fool of myself because I did not really know what I was explaining. But who cares.

Not me. Not you. Nobody cares. And its nobodys fault. Im a monster, my life is shit, and i really dont know what to do with it. It never fucking began. Im so tired of this. If this is the "economical liberation of having a job", if this is as much as I can aspire to as a subhuman crap, then I think I've had enough. I dont even know what to do with the money. All i do is buying alcohol and weed. If it wasnt for the drugs, i would be dead by now.
And lets not talk about my family, my male cousins and my brother having all of them beautiful gf´s. Lets not talk about couples in class. Lets not talk about happy music about being human and having freinds during christmas. Lets not talk about so much stuff that wants me dead.

This is what i wanted. To have a job, to have money, to finally leave my parents house again. And its hell. The best that life can offer me is hell :feelsbadman:
Quit your job as a teacher, and find a new job that doesn't involve being in contact with minors or teenagers. By the way, sorry to hear about your situation, we all understand your pain
 

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