I hesitated to post this for a large variety of reasons but ultimately decided my experience needed to be shared for the benefit of fellow incels. Warning: Goes into great graphic descriptions about the experience, NSFW. I never really considered what happened to be an option. It all started last Wednesday when I was hanging out with some guys in the lunch hall after a class. One of my them, a somewhat chadly guy started asking me why I seemed so down today. I wasn't secure enough to discuss it with others around so I asked him to take a walk outside if he really wanted to know. We went outside and I explained to him how much trouble I had trying to get girls and felt that it was often so horribly unbearable to live like this. A lot of the conversation was platitudes on his side but he did acknowledge that short guys have more trouble than big guys. I told him about my plans to move to a different country after college and a few years of saving up. Which we talked about for a while and I did admit it was kind of an awful plan. Due to having to work years only to get a woman from a race I'm not that attracted to. He then suggested that my small frame, thinness, and lack of manly facial features would be great assets in the gay world. Which made me really mad but I tried to hide it. I explained that I was not gay and had no interest in it. He told me why not give it a try because maybe I had bisexual potential but wasn't aware of it. We talked for a while and I indulged his platitudes and oddball advice. He was a very convincing guy and I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if I was suffering all this time when in reality there were loads of sexual partners readily available for me? I couldn't stop thinking about it. I truly did not think I was open to homosexuality but I wanted to try. I saw a remote possibility to escape incel hell. So I downloaded this app called Grindr. A hookup app for bi/gay guys basically. I setup my profile with a pic and headline saying "bi curious guy". Wrote a basic profile explaining my situation and interests. I had so many guys messaging me the rest of the night, it was unreal. I actually had to turn off my phone to get some homework done. The next day I took more time looking at guys profiles. I wasn't really attracted to any of them, it was simply a case of who I thought should be the more attractive guy. At one point one of the guys I was considering said I should come over to his house on the weekend. He was older than me at 32, a 13 year difference but he looked good for his age I guess. He also had a std test recently and was willing to let me see that. I figured what the hell, worst case scenario I get hiv anyway then aids then die. Which wouldn't be so bad honestly. After initial greetings and showing me his recent std test we drank some beer and watched netflix. He was a lot taller than me and had a full beard which was very short but extremely dense. His hair was short and curly and his face had some alpha features. If he were a straight guy I would describe him as extremely chadly. He told me he didn't normally hookup on grindr unless he saw someone unusual. I told him I didn't think I was gay but needed to try to know for sure. He asked me what I wanted to watch and I said Marco Polo, I have no idea why I said that. I was kind of nervous and it just came out. We weren't even 30 mins into the first episode before he reached over my shoulders and pulled me up next to him. What were probably seconds but felt like several eternities he leaned in and kissed my lips. It was kind of like a repelling feeling that I felt. I just closed my eyes and pretended he was a chick. Which was of some difficulty when I felt his beard scrape against my face. I pretended to be into it but I think he could tell I wasn't. He told me to relax as he has broke in lots of inexperienced guys. He stuck his hands into my pants shortly after that. He chuckled a bit which didn't surprise me, I pretty much expected to be the bitch or bottom or whatever for any encounter due to my features and small penis. The second he got my pants down just enough he dove in and started sucking me. I got hard but could not cum at all. I kept trying to pretend he was a chick but it didn't help. I don't even know what to say really. It was okay, the feeling of getting sucked. But it wasn't like as good as I thought it should have been. He even licked my balls which was really kind of weird feeling. After what seemed like an eternity of him sucking me which was probably only 30 mins he stopped. He then told me to come into his bedroom. He said he wanted my first time to be just perfect. Which started by him giving me an enema which he said was to clean me out. He then had me lay down on his bed and placed a big pillow under my butt and a small one under my head. Then he pushed some lube up in my butt hole with this douche like thing, don't know what its called. Pulled out his dick which was way way bigger than mine which kind of worried me. He lubed it up too and told me to relax and push outwards when I felt him press against me. I did and it hurt less than I thought it would. I expected to maybe orgasm from anal stimulation or feel good being penetrated as I have heard even straight guys should be able to. It didn't feel exactly great, I felt okay, like almost kind of good. He would often lean in to kiss me and play with my dick. He gave me a few commands like push back against me or rub his sides/back. The most intense part was the eye contact. It was so awkward and surreal. Kind of like an elephant in the room but it was between us. It lasted for probably 10 mins or so of this when he told me he was about to cum. I said okay and he ejaculated inside me. It felt more warm in my butt than it did before and I felt disgusted with myself. It was like a huge relief that it was over, still kind of awkward though. After we cleaned up a bit and gathered ourselves he asked me if I would like to cuddle which I agreed to. It was a part of the experience I told myself. Which was actually the best part as it was a lot easier to pretend he was a chick. It wasn't half bad except for him saying "my twink" to me when he kissed my forehead. We actually fell asleep and I didn't wake up until 6 in the morning. I tried to get out of bed without him noticing but he woke up. I told him I had to get back to my dorm and do some homework. Which was true as I was supposed to go back and do it that night but fell asleep. I still don't think I'm gay but I've agreed to go over to his place this weekend too. I figure why not give it another shot. On the plus side I'm not technically a virgin anymore I guess. On the con side everybody who called me a faggot in online video games is now technically right maybe, not sure. I would never admit this to anyone I know IRL. On the best bright side I'm soon going to know if being gay is a choice. Its clearly a choice to engage in sexual acts that are gay but I'm not sure if orientation change is possible. I'm leaning towards no at the moment but going to wait until a few times until I know for sure.
