Nichi Hodgson
When it comes to romance, a study shows apps have let women take the initiative – and can reap the greatest rewards
Throughout the history of dating, it’s been a truth universally acknowledged that a smart woman trades up socioeconomically but down when it comes to youth and looks – to ensure that the gentleman in question remains forever “grateful” to secure such a “prize”. And let’s face it, before the Married Women’s Property Act of 1870 right up until women could sign for their own mortgages in 1975 (not to mention buy themselves a beer with
their own money in 1982), it was a pretty useful, if depressing, piece of advice – a trade of “erotic capital” as the LSE academic Catherine Hakim has called it.
But the DMs they are a-changin’. Research from the University of Michigan has now revealed that both men and women on dating apps send opening gambits to people of a higher “desirability” ranking than themselves – and at a nearly equal rate – 26% for men and 23% for women.
“Desirable”, for the purposes of this study, wasn’t defined as the most aesthetically attractive – but those who received the most interaction on the app, including from other desirables. And having worked in the dating industry, I can assure you that other factors – such as what professions the desirables work in, where they live and holiday, and whether their featured photos had been carefully curated to ensure they look to be the most attractive among their peers (a neat trick thousands employ each year) – would all have gone into influencing their status.
On the surface, the great news for the average-looking majority of us is that looks really aren’t everything – and that we really can tweak our “status” without resorting to surgery to improve our options. But it also suggests something more vitally positive for women: that women, by the privacy of their own smartphones, may plump for whoever takes their fancy without over-worrying about having to make a prudent choice – particularly because, as the study’s author, Dr Elizabeth Bruch, puts it: “Women have much higher reply rates to their first messages than men – men’s average reply rate is around 17%, whereas for women often more than half of their messages can get a response.”
While male-dominated pick-up artist (PUA) communities have lamented and devised tactics to dismantle women’s so-called “power” in the dating game, dating etiquette has simultaneously proscribed – and limited – female choice, apart from for a very elite few.
As 1897’s Manners for Men warned: “Should marriage follow upon such courtship [...] where the girl takes the initiative, the union is very seldom a happy one.’”
Thank god the example of Bumble, where women message first, plus this new data, is here to put the kibosh on it. Women no longer want to wait to be approached and hope for the best possible offer – they are going after the partner they desire – and, as this study suggests, being rewarded as a result of it.
But the study also suggests something else – that dating apps really do invoke the gambler in us, and that perhaps it’s not always to our detriment. We already know that “gamified” dating apps have a dopamine-like pull on our brains when we “play” at swiping. But if this study is to be believed – and with a sample size of 200,000, it’s a pretty solid analysis – those who take greater risks stand to reap the greatest rewards, especially when they are female.
Of course, we don’t know what happens after the initial interaction – do more “desirable” initial partners translate to better long-term matches? Do they
ghost,
bench or
zombie at a higher rate because they can afford to, further down the line?
But who cares when it’s busting open one of the most quintessential and long-held myths of dating – that men must venture forth while women must bide their time.
In the words of Bruch: “Women can afford to be much more aspirational than they are.”
Great advice for dating – and for life.
