- Hit on them and they were upset, or insisted after they said no
Not sure if this counts as "hitting on" but I think it edged on harassment and I feel bad about it a decade later.
I asked a girl at a con if she wanted to buy hats with me (ie 50/50) to take advantage of a "buy 2 save XX% discount" and she politely refused.
Can't remember exact deal, I think it was $2 for 1 hat, $3 for 2 hats, but just guessing.
Instead of dropping the hats issue I unfortunately pestered her for a couple more sentences.
I even offered to buy both and give her a free hat as a gift, even though with the discount 2 hats was still more expensive than one hat.
She refused this 2nd offer too, and instead of just accepting it, I made a 3rd query, questioning why she wouldn't want the free hat.
She courageously mentioned how she didn't want to feel like she owed the guy something.
(ie implying I would expect sex from her because of some $2 toque, yarite)
I said "okay" after hearing her explanation and didn't ask her if she wanted the hat again.
Nobody was in earshot, so it wasn't performance for an audience or anything, I think she was expressing a genuine precaution, and it made me regret that I might send vibes across as some kind of "you owe me something" predator.
I ended up buying both hats and keeping them myself. Then I never wore them. Ugh. I should just donate them or some shit to avoid bad memories, but maybe it's good to remember being socially awkward like this as a learning experience.
...wait, when I said earlier I didn't ask again, I might've possibly been wrong... I might (can't clarly remember tbh) have, after having purchased both hats, after putting one in my bag, held out the 2nd and asked "you sure? last chance" and gotten another refusal.
So that's 4 questions total, 3 re-asks (pesters) perhaps. Unless I imagined this last bit... very fuzzy. But if that did happen I'm pretty confident it was the last time I bugged her about it, don't think there was a 5th question.
Perhaps she was just moral and because she had no interest in romance with me, did not want to accept a gift in case it conveyed some kind of false expectations on my end. This is I think a more generous and favorable interpretation that I should fairly consider, rather than fixating on some kind of "how DARE she think I'm some kind of toques-for-BJs predator?"
I wish this was the only instance, but when I saw same girl and her friend carrying heavy luggage, I offered to carry it. I also got a polite refusal and should have dropped it, but I was in sort of a "I should try to be outgoing and not my usual high-inhib self" so when they were making a lot of noise rolling their wheeled luggage down steps, I quipped about how if they just let me carry the luggage it wouldn't make so much noise or damage the wheels.
This basically prompted sort of a frustrated/angry response where the girl picked up her luggage (instead of using wheels) so it wouldn't be noisy, rather than let me carry it, even though she appeared to be straining to do so, due to her small size.
It made me wonder if it's a similar issue: were they worried I would demand sex in exchange for some tiny favor, or accuse them of being teases for accepting the favor and rejecting any possible future romantic advances?
I don't think I would've done either of those things, but I guess I can understand the precaution since some guys might .It just made me sad (and a bit angry, partially with myself) about how I had failed to convey a positive enough image to prevent such judgement... or if I had some something to project a bad enough image for such concerns.
For context: these weren't rando strangers, had answered an ad to chip in on a room for people staying at a con so we could all save money.
Looking back I guess I realize such assertiveness can be sort of what is called toxic masculinity, like I felt I was owed to have my way, that I don't just take a hint and accept the first answer I'm given. I was a teen at the time and am usually just helpful like that to try and make a good impression (seem helpful, not creepy) and admittedly partially thinking with my dick (impress girls with wealth/strength to compensate for bad looks) which gave me blind spots about proper stopping points.
I remember with this girl I had seen some Chadriguez hitting on her earlier and he grabbed and kissed her hand and she was all smiles at the time but once he left she seemed to collapse into tears and get comforted by other girls in her group. I was pretty distant so not 100% sure it was genuine (TBH you can't be sure even if close up) but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt about that. Heard something like she'd had bad experience with guys.
I think this was actually before the hat/suitcase shit, which makes me feel especially bad because my brain should've told me "if you approach at all, don't be persistent about it" but instead I think I was rationalizing "I'm going to be a (supreme) gentleman and do a bunch of nice stuff for her and not sexually harass her at all, perhaps this will lift her spirits and allow her to see not all guys are assholes like Chadriguez back there"
I don't think my behavior was as bad as Chadriguez (I never touched her at all, only spoke, certainly didn't grab her hand or kiss her) but I can still (at least retroactively) see how it was in the spectrum of sexual harassment, and the guilt of it has really stuck with me.
Unlike Chadriguez (whose behavior hinges on criminal behavior, it was non-consensual touching, but of course nobody presses charges against Chads/ethnics, even 10yrs ago) I don't think my behavior would be classified as any kind of crime, but it was certainly creepy/cringeworthy in retrospect and if I did that kind of thing today would probably earn me an awful reputation and get me dox'd by the #MeToo crew.
What scares me is what a lack of instinctive empathy I had, what a blind spot I had about the inappropriateness, how easily I began to edge on bullyish behavior. If she had been a bit more damaged, then she might've accepted the hat (or luggage lift) simply out of FEAR of me, despite not wanting to because she doesn't like accepting gifts from guys to avoid the sense of owing them something and the hostility which sometimes results.
This has made me very apprehensive (mentalcel?) about socializing with women, very afraid that I'll edge into creep territory like that, perhaps with must worse results. I got lucky in a sense that she was able to keep her composure as she did, and seemed pretty good-natured. Obivously not LUCKIEST (that would be a girl who accepts my panda hat and drags me into bathroom for wild sex: gigachads only!) but still not a worst-possible-outcome, all things considered.
- Keeping tabs on their social media or irl stalking
I basically have no social life, so every 2/3/4 years or so when I vaguely remember the closest thing I ever got to one (meeting up with some strangers who took pity on me and let me follow them around a con for a weekend) I do a brief couple minutes of browsing each of their facebook walls to see what they posted. Usually depressing because they have boyfriends/husbands or are anti-Trump or pro-BLM tbh so the gaps between my spurts of curiosity have grown progressively longer each time.
