I don't think anyone in my life really knows had bad it is. I'm not blaming them, I've worked hard at keeping my problems secret. I've recently been put over the edge.
God, I'm struggling. I don't have a girlfriend yet. I never had one.
I work, I study and I try to be a decent person. I don't do drugs. I drink, I don't know once every four months, lightly. I'm the most sober person I know
It's like, no matter what I do, no matter what I think, I've tried things and I've done things. I've even looked up things. And the more I think about it, like now. It gets harder.
By the way tell Kate that, yeah I like her too. More than just friends, just to be clear. God, she's awesome. It's sad because I've pictured how awesome our lives would be together. She's actually the reason I've never dated. No matter who it was, it wasn't Kate. What do I, talk to her for 2 hours a week in real life. I suppose that's not too bad. But god. I've had dreams of how that would go. Getting married, having a job. Coming back from working at google and complaining about how awful the workday was to Kate. Who's making me some healthy feta wrap or something that she'd make. It's sad. It is, it's really really sad. I'm like tearing up right now and I haven't even gotten to the rough parts.
I talked to the uh, suicide hotline, called them one time. Also, put on hold.
When you call the suicide hotline you expect, I don't know, support someone there ready. ready to hear all your crap.
I can't handle another day at work with my overbearing boss. And I just got in a second car accident. It wasn't really an accident, to be honest. No one got hurt, no cars were even damaged. It was a frickin bumper car situation. Literally nothing.
I don't um. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I just, I feel so alone.
I feel sick. I'm just tired. I'm tired of living.
Yeah, I've watched the motivational videos. They used to do something for me. Nothing matters. It's that truth that I think everyone knows and turns a blind eye to.
