NowItsSlimeTime
Really feeling it B)
★★★★
- Joined
- May 15, 2022
- Posts
- 879
I used to lie all the time, when I was little. The dumbest, kid shit. I got good at it and relied on it as a crutch. I managed to be able to escape through lies, and people will believe me pretty consistently now if I do. But I don't want to.
I just found myself on my bed, depressed as shit, after I masturbated. It was the sixth time that day or something crazy. Sure whatever. Its christmas. I had the day off. I was bored. But I'm fucking tired of it.
I wake up alone, every day. I don't have a reason to go outside. I don't have friends outside of words and pictures on my computer or phone screen. Even those feel fake. They get mad at me for the dumbest shit. Once someone didnt talk to me for the whole day because I asked what they did in their day.
I go to my job. I ride the bus to and from work. I don't have a license. I'll never get it. I got the learner's permit, but you need a car. I live hours away from my family. It's going to expire. When I try to kill myself I fail. I was lucky; last time I managed to not have to be hospitalized. I might not be lucky.
Would I have more friends if I was someone who I wasn't? More opportunities? I know my family loves me and I hardly tell them shit, let alone anything true. Is that it? Do I have to just... pretend its okay?
Pretend nothing is going on? Pretend I'm a normal person? How do I lie to myself? I'm not. I'll never be like them. I'll never be able to walk down the street and see someone I know. I'll never drive with kids in the backseat. None of that.
I'm pathetic.
I just found myself on my bed, depressed as shit, after I masturbated. It was the sixth time that day or something crazy. Sure whatever. Its christmas. I had the day off. I was bored. But I'm fucking tired of it.
I wake up alone, every day. I don't have a reason to go outside. I don't have friends outside of words and pictures on my computer or phone screen. Even those feel fake. They get mad at me for the dumbest shit. Once someone didnt talk to me for the whole day because I asked what they did in their day.
I go to my job. I ride the bus to and from work. I don't have a license. I'll never get it. I got the learner's permit, but you need a car. I live hours away from my family. It's going to expire. When I try to kill myself I fail. I was lucky; last time I managed to not have to be hospitalized. I might not be lucky.
Would I have more friends if I was someone who I wasn't? More opportunities? I know my family loves me and I hardly tell them shit, let alone anything true. Is that it? Do I have to just... pretend its okay?
Pretend nothing is going on? Pretend I'm a normal person? How do I lie to myself? I'm not. I'll never be like them. I'll never be able to walk down the street and see someone I know. I'll never drive with kids in the backseat. None of that.
I'm pathetic.