it doesnt make any sense to me. why am i like this guys? is it because whenever i tried to stand up to my father he would always belittle me and everytime i did something he would make feel feel dumb and confused for saying it?
i feel like i cant even make my own decisions, i cant stand up for myself, and im super scared of rejection. i want people to like me and i hate being hated because it reminds me of how i was ostrasized in middle school and elementary, i cant go through that all over again.
(this all was this year, and led to me moving to hong kong too)
i remember when it was so cold outside and i was late for the bus, so i decided to wear my dads jacket because it was the closest thing there and ran to the bus. i came home, my father was very serious and angry and i was confused as to why. i didnt know what i did wrong
he then proceeded to yell at me as to why i took his jacket, he basically said "how dare you use my jacket, do not ever do that again. you ask for things before you use them." then he made me do 100 squats and then told me to get out of his sight when i was done which i gladly did because i hated being near him anyways.
the mental breakdown i had in front of my father:
i was sick, very sick. and they day before the breakdown i had in front of my father was one week before my birthday and my old school bully (which i still hung out with because i was so lonely) called me to reach out, i confronted him about all the years he bullied me and then he proceeded to send pictures of my face that he took when we hung out and they were very ugly and he kept saying "Ouch. yikes at you" and he even told me "yeah you should kill yourself, if you were to kill yourself tomorrow no one would care" and he said that in the most aggressive voice ever.
i wont lie i cried that night, very hard. and not because he told me to kill myself, but because i was used to people talking to me that way. that guy had done so many hurtful things to me, he drew a picture of me and it was very ugly and showed it to his sister and recorded himself showing her and she said
"oh my god... stoppp hahahahaha i dont want to be racist. omg thats so mean hahah i feel so bad for this guy, is it your friend you drew?"
maybe one day ill dox him on here and his disgusting sister lol.
but anyways, that happened to me last night along with this girl i used to like on discord faking her suicide to ghost me (it actually broke my heart because she told me we would meet up and stuff and it turned out the whole time when we were talking in facetime she would take screenshots of my face and then she proceeded to tell people i was ugly as fuck because at the time i would morph my pics to make myself look human haha yeah i know thats bad, but im an incel jfl. that hurt when she called me ugly because she was the only person to ever call me "beautiful" but it was all a fucking lie. and i fell for it )
let me continue, sorry.
the day i was sick and stayed home from school i went downstairs to make tea and my dad was there and i was hoping he wouldnt say anything. anyways heres how it went
dad: why are you always sick all the damn time. i told you to wear a jacket, you can prevent being sick
me: a lot of people at school have been getting sick, a guy in my class had to stay home too because something is going around
dad: NO (screaming) nothing is going around, youre just being lazy and not putting a jacket on like everybody else at your school. why do you always do this, you always repeat the same mistakes over and over again. you know you get sick when you dont wear a jacket so put on one god damn it.
me: do you know that being sick is contagious right? you can try to prevent being sick but if someone coughs on you or if someone near you is sick, youre bound to get sick too.
dad: no being sick is not contagious (btw hes a doctor jfl), you can prevent it. i never get sick and now im sick because of YOU.
me: well if its not contagious and you can prevent it, why are you sick then?
dad: BECAUSE OF YOU (screaming very loudly)
me: Being sick is contagious and thats why im sick jesus christ, can i just get some tea.
dad: yeah, you know what else is contagious? stupidity, and it seems you got a lot of that.
at that point. i really did just snap. i started screaming and i basically started crying i couldnt control myself that day. there was so much going on in my life, i had no one to talk to about anything and i did tell my mom about the guy telling me to kill myself and she hardly cared and even said "maybe theres something you said that led up to him saying that". and i just couldnt take it anymore.
i kept screaming "why cant you just leave me alone, im just trying to get tea, leave me alone" and he was screaming back at me too and at that point i just ran upstairs and locked myself in my room for the next 2 days because i didnt want to talk to him at all.
that was actually the first time i had ever stood up to my dad, i was very proud of myself even though i looked like a pussy crying.
i feel like i cant even make my own decisions, i cant stand up for myself, and im super scared of rejection. i want people to like me and i hate being hated because it reminds me of how i was ostrasized in middle school and elementary, i cant go through that all over again.
(this all was this year, and led to me moving to hong kong too)
i remember when it was so cold outside and i was late for the bus, so i decided to wear my dads jacket because it was the closest thing there and ran to the bus. i came home, my father was very serious and angry and i was confused as to why. i didnt know what i did wrong
he then proceeded to yell at me as to why i took his jacket, he basically said "how dare you use my jacket, do not ever do that again. you ask for things before you use them." then he made me do 100 squats and then told me to get out of his sight when i was done which i gladly did because i hated being near him anyways.
the mental breakdown i had in front of my father:
i was sick, very sick. and they day before the breakdown i had in front of my father was one week before my birthday and my old school bully (which i still hung out with because i was so lonely) called me to reach out, i confronted him about all the years he bullied me and then he proceeded to send pictures of my face that he took when we hung out and they were very ugly and he kept saying "Ouch. yikes at you" and he even told me "yeah you should kill yourself, if you were to kill yourself tomorrow no one would care" and he said that in the most aggressive voice ever.
i wont lie i cried that night, very hard. and not because he told me to kill myself, but because i was used to people talking to me that way. that guy had done so many hurtful things to me, he drew a picture of me and it was very ugly and showed it to his sister and recorded himself showing her and she said
"oh my god... stoppp hahahahaha i dont want to be racist. omg thats so mean hahah i feel so bad for this guy, is it your friend you drew?"
maybe one day ill dox him on here and his disgusting sister lol.but anyways, that happened to me last night along with this girl i used to like on discord faking her suicide to ghost me (it actually broke my heart because she told me we would meet up and stuff and it turned out the whole time when we were talking in facetime she would take screenshots of my face and then she proceeded to tell people i was ugly as fuck because at the time i would morph my pics to make myself look human haha
yeah i know thats bad, but im an incel jfl. that hurt when she called me ugly because she was the only person to ever call me "beautiful" but it was all a fucking lie. and i fell for it )let me continue, sorry.
the day i was sick and stayed home from school i went downstairs to make tea and my dad was there and i was hoping he wouldnt say anything. anyways heres how it went
dad: why are you always sick all the damn time. i told you to wear a jacket, you can prevent being sick
me: a lot of people at school have been getting sick, a guy in my class had to stay home too because something is going around
dad: NO (screaming) nothing is going around, youre just being lazy and not putting a jacket on like everybody else at your school. why do you always do this, you always repeat the same mistakes over and over again. you know you get sick when you dont wear a jacket so put on one god damn it.
me: do you know that being sick is contagious right? you can try to prevent being sick but if someone coughs on you or if someone near you is sick, youre bound to get sick too.
dad: no being sick is not contagious (btw hes a doctor jfl), you can prevent it. i never get sick and now im sick because of YOU.
me: well if its not contagious and you can prevent it, why are you sick then?
dad: BECAUSE OF YOU (screaming very loudly)
me: Being sick is contagious and thats why im sick jesus christ, can i just get some tea.
dad: yeah, you know what else is contagious? stupidity, and it seems you got a lot of that.
at that point. i really did just snap.
i started screaming and i basically started crying i couldnt control myself that day. there was so much going on in my life, i had no one to talk to about anything and i did tell my mom about the guy telling me to kill myself and she hardly cared and even said "maybe theres something you said that led up to him saying that". and i just couldnt take it anymore.i kept screaming "why cant you just leave me alone, im just trying to get tea, leave me alone" and he was screaming back at me too and at that point i just ran upstairs and locked myself in my room for the next 2 days because i didnt want to talk to him at all.
that was actually the first time i had ever stood up to my dad, i was very proud of myself even though i looked like a pussy crying.
