Between the ages 15-16, I began to notice I had social anxiety.
Pinpointing:
I mainly experience discomfort when others are looking/watching me, making me the focal point of their attention. I don’t give a fuck what they’re actually thinking. This seemingly contradicts a primary symptom of social anxiety - a profound fear of judgment. The formal term for this is: ‘Scopophobia’ - an excessive fear of being stared at. [1]
Familiar Individuals:
However, around friends and family I would feel normal. Their familiar faces and known personalities offsets my anxiety. This allows me to be borderline extroverted, and I can engage in conversations, feel genuinely connected, and don’t feel any awkwardness.
Unfamiliar People & Surroundings:
However, stepping outside feels like entering a minefield. The anxiety intensifies as I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces and unpredictable situations, making every interaction a daunting task.
The simplest of actions like making small talk with a cashier or asking for directions, making eye contact, walking past others in a corridor/tight space becomes unthinkable. The fear, the uncertainty of how to act or what to say, grips me, rendering me paralysed.
Social anxiety makes me perceive strangers as human-sized wasps – entities that are potentially threatening, unpredictable, and capable of inflicting harm. Despite my rational understanding that they pose no real danger, these intense feelings persistently overthrow my rationality.
Trying to Act Normal:
I’m caught in a catch-22: when I try to emulate conventional behaviour or adopt the mannerisms of normies, I come off as even more awkward, further accentuating the feeling of being an awkward alien.
I've tried mentioning my social anxiety to normies. While they initially show concern, they eventually become hostile and view me as a freak, blaming me for not improving, as though my social anxiety is a chosen state rather than a genuine struggle.
Social Absences:
I was unable to attend my graduation ceremony in 2017. My parents couldn’t understand what social anxiety was - they dismissed it as mere shyness. When my degree certificate arrived by mail, my dad and mum were confused and upset that I cancelled to take them to the ceremony.
I avoided attending my maternal grandfather's funeral due to my discomfort in large gatherings. My parents scolded me, expressing their embarrassment over my absence. Similarly, I often avoided family gatherings, leading to strained relations and animosity with relatives.
SSRIs:
I don’t want to take any SSRIs. From what I’ve read it appears akin to applying a bandage to a deep, bleeding wound. I once viewed a video of a guy detailing his experiences with SSRIs. He mentioned that he had to consume multiple doses daily to alleviate his anxiety. The way he was looking at the camera and the way he was talking was very odd - he looked like a zombie whose brain had been fried by the pills.
Copes:
To manage my anxiety, I opt for muted colours in my attire (usually all black). I wear a cap and position it low to obscure my eyes, and consistently walk longer routes to avoid walking through populated areas. Sometimes I use earbuds to listen to very loud music - the loud noise distracts me from focusing on my anxiety. I also avoid speaking on the phone - preferring text communication.
Future:
I have a feeling I probably can’t fix this. I’m doomed to be like this forever. My only hope is that I wasn’t always like this, and I’m not like this with people I know.
———————————
[1]
www.healthline.com
Pinpointing:
I mainly experience discomfort when others are looking/watching me, making me the focal point of their attention. I don’t give a fuck what they’re actually thinking. This seemingly contradicts a primary symptom of social anxiety - a profound fear of judgment. The formal term for this is: ‘Scopophobia’ - an excessive fear of being stared at. [1]
Familiar Individuals:
However, around friends and family I would feel normal. Their familiar faces and known personalities offsets my anxiety. This allows me to be borderline extroverted, and I can engage in conversations, feel genuinely connected, and don’t feel any awkwardness.
Unfamiliar People & Surroundings:
However, stepping outside feels like entering a minefield. The anxiety intensifies as I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces and unpredictable situations, making every interaction a daunting task.
The simplest of actions like making small talk with a cashier or asking for directions, making eye contact, walking past others in a corridor/tight space becomes unthinkable. The fear, the uncertainty of how to act or what to say, grips me, rendering me paralysed.
Social anxiety makes me perceive strangers as human-sized wasps – entities that are potentially threatening, unpredictable, and capable of inflicting harm. Despite my rational understanding that they pose no real danger, these intense feelings persistently overthrow my rationality.
Trying to Act Normal:
I’m caught in a catch-22: when I try to emulate conventional behaviour or adopt the mannerisms of normies, I come off as even more awkward, further accentuating the feeling of being an awkward alien.
I've tried mentioning my social anxiety to normies. While they initially show concern, they eventually become hostile and view me as a freak, blaming me for not improving, as though my social anxiety is a chosen state rather than a genuine struggle.
Social Absences:
I was unable to attend my graduation ceremony in 2017. My parents couldn’t understand what social anxiety was - they dismissed it as mere shyness. When my degree certificate arrived by mail, my dad and mum were confused and upset that I cancelled to take them to the ceremony.
I avoided attending my maternal grandfather's funeral due to my discomfort in large gatherings. My parents scolded me, expressing their embarrassment over my absence. Similarly, I often avoided family gatherings, leading to strained relations and animosity with relatives.
SSRIs:
I don’t want to take any SSRIs. From what I’ve read it appears akin to applying a bandage to a deep, bleeding wound. I once viewed a video of a guy detailing his experiences with SSRIs. He mentioned that he had to consume multiple doses daily to alleviate his anxiety. The way he was looking at the camera and the way he was talking was very odd - he looked like a zombie whose brain had been fried by the pills.
Copes:
To manage my anxiety, I opt for muted colours in my attire (usually all black). I wear a cap and position it low to obscure my eyes, and consistently walk longer routes to avoid walking through populated areas. Sometimes I use earbuds to listen to very loud music - the loud noise distracts me from focusing on my anxiety. I also avoid speaking on the phone - preferring text communication.
Future:
I have a feeling I probably can’t fix this. I’m doomed to be like this forever. My only hope is that I wasn’t always like this, and I’m not like this with people I know.
———————————
[1]
Scopophobia: The Fear of Being Stared At
Scopophobia is connected with social anxiety and a few other conditions, and causes a severe fear of being stared at.
www.healthline.com
also it's only logical and just to hate toilets and normalfags 
