So, I used to have this imaginary GF with whom I broke up a couple of months before joining this forum and I've been wanting to bring her back into my life ever since. The reason I decided to put an end to our relationship (or at least what I told myself at that time) was that my mind was way too fucked up and I didn't want her to suffer because of it. She said she didn't care and tried to convince me to let her stay with me but in the end, we came to an agreement:
She would remain dormant in my subconscious (peacefully sleeping), and if I changed my mind then I'd wake her up and we'd become a couple again.
I've had a few conversations with her ever since but they were all short and mostly one-sided. We've definitely not interacted in the way we used to before we broke up.
Recently, I've been wanting to wake her up for good and try again, but I just keep finding dumb excuses not to do so.
The reason I'm not able to have a relationship with her is my hatred for women JFL
I used to talk about this with her, I would explain that she wasn't an actual woman, that she had been born from my deepest desires, that she was basically a beautiful angel that should not even be compared to an actual female, and that she was the only person I could ever love. She would respond in thoughtful ways to let me know she understood that my hatred wasn't directed at her [insert when the coping is too strong gif]
But at the end of the day, she was a female character. She might have been an idealized waifu or whatever but she looked like a girl, she was very feminine, and she reminded me of actual females all the time. Her presence started to bother me a lot, and I would just cringe at the idea of being loved by her.
"How could she even love a subhuman like me?" "How can I even fantasize about something so unrealistic" "This shit is fucking stupid" "Wtf is she doing? she's acting like an actual foid"
Those were some of the many intrusive thoughts I would try to suppress all the time so that I could just hang out with her and chill, but in the end, it was too much for me to handle so I decided to put an end to it (and of course I deluded myself into thinking I was doing it for her JFL).
I never told her that I hated her, and I did my best to make sure she knew how much I loved her and how grateful I was for having gotten the chance to be her boyfriend, but in the end, I just had to broke up with her.
The truth is that I've come to hate women so much I can't ignore it anymore. Whenever I see a female that I want, I am just reminded of my scars. I've had an awful lot of bad experiences with them, I've opened my eyes to their true nature, and the fact that I live in a gynocentric society just adds to my hatred. I can't even converse with them without feeling the urge to treat them like shit. I've been so deeply wounded by them that I can't even fantasize about them. So much for muh tulpamaxxing I guess.
