I'm a 28 years old lawyer, hated and despised by women for things i cannot control or change such as my ugly facial features, my short height and my brown skin. Prostitutes get me off when i need sex, but they won't even look at my eyes when talking to me or when i fuck them. The emotional void and the regrets hit hard right after the ejaculation.
Today i saw a former classmate with his children, a Chad from my high school days. He said hi and introduced me to his kids as an "old friend". He was immensely proud of them. He is a construction worker and doesn't have much money but looked optimistic, my phone rang and i excused myself.
My boss called and i left for work right after. Some minutes passed in silence, i was driving looking at the road, listening to the birds and feeling the kiss of the sun on my hands when i unexpectedly began feeling a crushing sadness. I just came to a realization. Why do i even work?
I don't have a goal, an ambition or a responsibility to anything or anyone. Again. Why do i even work? I don't have debts and I'm not money hungry. I do have money in the bank but i won't waste it in vain shit. I have never been able to feel pleasure with vain materialism and consumerism. I live in a small minimalist apartment not because i can't afford something bigger but, why would i even need a big house? i have no children to fill it with. I don't need the space. I'm alone. Even if i became the richest man in the world, if i sacrificed my youth and my health for the sake of money. What would happen to that money when I'm gone? The children of other people would inherit my money and enjoy it themselves, even if they never worked a day of their lives for it, Because money is for mortals, and you can only use it in the mortal realm. When you leave for good you will not take your gold and silver with you. Making money will not truly fill the hole in your soul.
Every night my room engulf me in total darkness while i listen the "tic tac" of my clock, and every night my finger play across the empty space of my bed imagining how it would feel sleeping with a woman aside of me, Then i sleep a dreamless moment only to wake up and going back work the morning after, repeating the cycle again and again every day.
Does my life have a meaning??? Is that my only purpose to exist is to provide labor to my employer and pay taxes to the government? What went wrong in my life???? I studied hard, i never broke the law, i complied with the rules of society and respected the decisions of those in charge. I did EVERYTHING i was told i needed to become successful.
Then why do i feel so disenfranchised and empty? I'm not ok, I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. I want to cry and cover my face with my with my hands and my arms because i feel SHAME. I'm a failed excuse of a man. I failed at something so basic as reproduction, something that countless generations of my ancestors never failed to do. I failed to my Father, i failed to my grandpa, i failed to my entire bloodline...
I just don't know why i have to try and make an effort anymore. I'm aimless. I have nothing to protect or lose. I don't respect anything or anyone, i don't love nothing. I don't ambition anything. Sex itself is so empty even if i pay for it.
I only want to love and be loved.
Today i saw a former classmate with his children, a Chad from my high school days. He said hi and introduced me to his kids as an "old friend". He was immensely proud of them. He is a construction worker and doesn't have much money but looked optimistic, my phone rang and i excused myself.
My boss called and i left for work right after. Some minutes passed in silence, i was driving looking at the road, listening to the birds and feeling the kiss of the sun on my hands when i unexpectedly began feeling a crushing sadness. I just came to a realization. Why do i even work?
I don't have a goal, an ambition or a responsibility to anything or anyone. Again. Why do i even work? I don't have debts and I'm not money hungry. I do have money in the bank but i won't waste it in vain shit. I have never been able to feel pleasure with vain materialism and consumerism. I live in a small minimalist apartment not because i can't afford something bigger but, why would i even need a big house? i have no children to fill it with. I don't need the space. I'm alone. Even if i became the richest man in the world, if i sacrificed my youth and my health for the sake of money. What would happen to that money when I'm gone? The children of other people would inherit my money and enjoy it themselves, even if they never worked a day of their lives for it, Because money is for mortals, and you can only use it in the mortal realm. When you leave for good you will not take your gold and silver with you. Making money will not truly fill the hole in your soul.
Every night my room engulf me in total darkness while i listen the "tic tac" of my clock, and every night my finger play across the empty space of my bed imagining how it would feel sleeping with a woman aside of me, Then i sleep a dreamless moment only to wake up and going back work the morning after, repeating the cycle again and again every day.
Does my life have a meaning??? Is that my only purpose to exist is to provide labor to my employer and pay taxes to the government? What went wrong in my life???? I studied hard, i never broke the law, i complied with the rules of society and respected the decisions of those in charge. I did EVERYTHING i was told i needed to become successful.
Then why do i feel so disenfranchised and empty? I'm not ok, I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. I want to cry and cover my face with my with my hands and my arms because i feel SHAME. I'm a failed excuse of a man. I failed at something so basic as reproduction, something that countless generations of my ancestors never failed to do. I failed to my Father, i failed to my grandpa, i failed to my entire bloodline...
I just don't know why i have to try and make an effort anymore. I'm aimless. I have nothing to protect or lose. I don't respect anything or anyone, i don't love nothing. I don't ambition anything. Sex itself is so empty even if i pay for it.
I only want to love and be loved.
I saw this is your first post, so welcome to the forum 
