Mortis
The Senator of Suffering & Minister of Misery
★★★★★
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2022
- Posts
- 16,900
He was talking about how I should be getting more and more active one step at a time in order to reduce my stress and anxiety, I of course already know I have to do that but I just couldn't understand why I wasn't allowing myself to get better or mitigate my suffering.
Then something clicked in me right in the middle of our conversation. I told him a story from back when I was younger (probably 10 - 14) and I remember when I used to take math tests, I did something quite odd.
When I had a math quiz with 2 parts and the first part I knew pretty well and the second part I knew nothing about, I would leave the test blank and give it back to the teacher to get a zero. I remember that I used to tell myself that I "deserved it" because I wasn't capable to fully understand everything. This mindset has absolutely ravaged my life.
I still feel like this about everything. And I genuinely don't know how to get rid of it because I truly feel somewhere deep down that I DESERVE to suffer and die.
If I can't get EVERYTHING I want, then I want absolutely NOTHING.
Why do I feel like it is justified?
Because the "everything" is the most basic rudimentary bullshit that you can imagine. I don't have wild dreams or expectations so I feel justified to self-flagellate if I don't get what I want.
Then something clicked in me right in the middle of our conversation. I told him a story from back when I was younger (probably 10 - 14) and I remember when I used to take math tests, I did something quite odd.
When I had a math quiz with 2 parts and the first part I knew pretty well and the second part I knew nothing about, I would leave the test blank and give it back to the teacher to get a zero. I remember that I used to tell myself that I "deserved it" because I wasn't capable to fully understand everything. This mindset has absolutely ravaged my life.
I still feel like this about everything. And I genuinely don't know how to get rid of it because I truly feel somewhere deep down that I DESERVE to suffer and die.
If I can't get EVERYTHING I want, then I want absolutely NOTHING.
Why do I feel like it is justified?
Because the "everything" is the most basic rudimentary bullshit that you can imagine. I don't have wild dreams or expectations so I feel justified to self-flagellate if I don't get what I want.
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