when i first saw gore it used to scare and traumatize me, and i wondered how anyone actually could watch this shit. I've seen basically everything there is too see, lots of very gruesome death like cartel torture and shit. Over the years i got really desensitized too it but i never actually enjoyed watching it just because it was hard to accept it was reality. Just like sex, gore is so impossibly difficult to process because ive never seen any of it in real life or been in any tragic situations.
The video that used to bother me the most was the shuaiby suicide, just the raw unfiltered brutality of genuine suicide that was done in such a grim, yet casual fashion totally destroyed my fictional imagination of suicide that I had developed in my mind, as an outside observer of someone terminating their existence, you cant visibly see the emotional trauma they have experienced, they look like totally normal dudes that is until there is a shotgun pointed right up against their head and they pull the trigger with seemingly no hesitation. It truly stuck in the back of my mind for weeks, how the fuck is someone able to totally let go of the will to live let alone be able to construct a joke out of the last moments of their life, it seems unreal.
This all changed when i myself started genuinely considering suicide. I always believed I was destined to be something greater, in fact I had superiority complex for quite some time as a little kid due to my situation and living conditions. But over the years i started realizing i was genetic trash because people no longer treated me like a cute innocent kid, and i quickly realized things were changing for the worst. At 18 I have no friends, my phone is 100% empty, the people I used to talk to on discord have ceased messaging me. My mom doesn't care about me anymore and shows basically no sympathy for me, when im feeling depressed and fucked up instead of bothering to ask me how im doing she will just go on an angry tirade about how im not working hard enough or how its all my fault (shit along these lines).
When i re-watch these suicide videos nowadays they no longer traumatize me, rather the opposite, i feel a sense of peace and comfort that there is a way out of this hell, that there is a permanent solution to this pain, that it'll all be okay. I'm going to make it, just not in life. I dont care about how much of my head is splattered on the floor when i die, because ill be dead and it wont matter. Idk why suicide has to be a sad thing tbh, if your not enjoying life i mean why bother living it.
The video that used to bother me the most was the shuaiby suicide, just the raw unfiltered brutality of genuine suicide that was done in such a grim, yet casual fashion totally destroyed my fictional imagination of suicide that I had developed in my mind, as an outside observer of someone terminating their existence, you cant visibly see the emotional trauma they have experienced, they look like totally normal dudes that is until there is a shotgun pointed right up against their head and they pull the trigger with seemingly no hesitation. It truly stuck in the back of my mind for weeks, how the fuck is someone able to totally let go of the will to live let alone be able to construct a joke out of the last moments of their life, it seems unreal.
This all changed when i myself started genuinely considering suicide. I always believed I was destined to be something greater, in fact I had superiority complex for quite some time as a little kid due to my situation and living conditions. But over the years i started realizing i was genetic trash because people no longer treated me like a cute innocent kid, and i quickly realized things were changing for the worst. At 18 I have no friends, my phone is 100% empty, the people I used to talk to on discord have ceased messaging me. My mom doesn't care about me anymore and shows basically no sympathy for me, when im feeling depressed and fucked up instead of bothering to ask me how im doing she will just go on an angry tirade about how im not working hard enough or how its all my fault (shit along these lines).
When i re-watch these suicide videos nowadays they no longer traumatize me, rather the opposite, i feel a sense of peace and comfort that there is a way out of this hell, that there is a permanent solution to this pain, that it'll all be okay. I'm going to make it, just not in life. I dont care about how much of my head is splattered on the floor when i die, because ill be dead and it wont matter. Idk why suicide has to be a sad thing tbh, if your not enjoying life i mean why bother living it.
