Ever since I was a child I always daydreamed a lot, going to school with music in my headphones I would daydream about some bullshit anime battles I would be having after watching Bleach, it was my way to escape my terrible childhood and the school I hated.
Eventually as time progressed my daydreams evolved, from cringe anime battles to real world scenarios. I started to daydream about running a global terrorist organization going ER on the entire world, a nuke-cult, like that dude from Japan. Or just daydreamed about going ER in general. That was my violent, angry phase when I started to transition from bluepill to redpill and a slight shade of blackpill.
Now days though, when I got blackpilled I just daydream about wholesome stuff mostly. Like today I daydreamed about doing rounds in the outpost, I entered rapis room under the pretext of discussing some performance targets with her but then I would lay my finger on her mouth and tell her that I wish to see her smile more because she has a beautiful smile, and it saddens me also when she is sad. As she is sad a lot of times if you know the lore of NIKKEs.
Anyway, I don't even daydream about having sex or any of that shit, sure I'll masturbate daily but that's not really the focus of my daydreaming, I mean that's how it is not like you can masturbate while pacing around your room anyway and that's mostly the way to daydream for me, I have to be in movement for it to work best. So perhaps I would daydream about sex if it wasn't for that, who knows...
But anyway, you can call it cringe or whatever, but I really enjoy doing this, it is a great cope for me. After decades of experience doing this, over 20 years since I started I really got pretty good at it too, it feels very real to me and makes me happy. This phantoms I create in my mind are as real as anything physically present to me, but of course I am not a schizo and understand the distinction between what's in my head and what exists in the outer world, but the point is I treat it the same way, as if it was real.
But daydreaming all this time has brought me to the cruel realization that the things and themes I daydream about will never happen to me in the real world, so why even bother... Why bother trying just to betabuxx some 30yr old used up roastie? I don't desire that anymore. Even so I don't wanna die a virgin, I want sex, and if there'll be no other way then I'll resort to escortmaxxing eventually, but I do not want a family, because the family I want will never happen to me, not the way I would like... So I rather just daydream it all away.
Anyway, I am going to die eventually, Judging from my health it won't be that long either. I even already know how I will die, heart attack. I don't know when, but I know that is how I am going to go. How do I know this? One time I heard a story of a shaman that predicted his own death, went out onto a hill and died. There was even a snickers advertisement on a TV about a similar theme, but the shaman ate a snickers and survived jfl, but anyway the point is, I know it deep inside of me that's how it's going to end for me, I can't explain it but I can feel it.
I guess what I'm trying to say in this thread is that I no longer see the possibility of the love I would like to exist in my life to exist and that daydreaming it all into existence, on my rules and my terms is a better alternative to betabuxxing some 30yrold used up hoe that would never love me anyway.
tl;dr; I wanna fuck my tulpas in my head
Eventually as time progressed my daydreams evolved, from cringe anime battles to real world scenarios. I started to daydream about running a global terrorist organization going ER on the entire world, a nuke-cult, like that dude from Japan. Or just daydreamed about going ER in general. That was my violent, angry phase when I started to transition from bluepill to redpill and a slight shade of blackpill.
Now days though, when I got blackpilled I just daydream about wholesome stuff mostly. Like today I daydreamed about doing rounds in the outpost, I entered rapis room under the pretext of discussing some performance targets with her but then I would lay my finger on her mouth and tell her that I wish to see her smile more because she has a beautiful smile, and it saddens me also when she is sad. As she is sad a lot of times if you know the lore of NIKKEs.
Anyway, I don't even daydream about having sex or any of that shit, sure I'll masturbate daily but that's not really the focus of my daydreaming, I mean that's how it is not like you can masturbate while pacing around your room anyway and that's mostly the way to daydream for me, I have to be in movement for it to work best. So perhaps I would daydream about sex if it wasn't for that, who knows...
But anyway, you can call it cringe or whatever, but I really enjoy doing this, it is a great cope for me. After decades of experience doing this, over 20 years since I started I really got pretty good at it too, it feels very real to me and makes me happy. This phantoms I create in my mind are as real as anything physically present to me, but of course I am not a schizo and understand the distinction between what's in my head and what exists in the outer world, but the point is I treat it the same way, as if it was real.
But daydreaming all this time has brought me to the cruel realization that the things and themes I daydream about will never happen to me in the real world, so why even bother... Why bother trying just to betabuxx some 30yr old used up roastie? I don't desire that anymore. Even so I don't wanna die a virgin, I want sex, and if there'll be no other way then I'll resort to escortmaxxing eventually, but I do not want a family, because the family I want will never happen to me, not the way I would like... So I rather just daydream it all away.
Anyway, I am going to die eventually, Judging from my health it won't be that long either. I even already know how I will die, heart attack. I don't know when, but I know that is how I am going to go. How do I know this? One time I heard a story of a shaman that predicted his own death, went out onto a hill and died. There was even a snickers advertisement on a TV about a similar theme, but the shaman ate a snickers and survived jfl, but anyway the point is, I know it deep inside of me that's how it's going to end for me, I can't explain it but I can feel it.
I guess what I'm trying to say in this thread is that I no longer see the possibility of the love I would like to exist in my life to exist and that daydreaming it all into existence, on my rules and my terms is a better alternative to betabuxxing some 30yrold used up hoe that would never love me anyway.
tl;dr; I wanna fuck my tulpas in my head
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