SlutLiberationFront
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★★★★★
- Joined
- May 6, 2021
- Posts
- 11,154
Hi, SLF once again with a typical thread of mine. A bit of venting, and getting out of the sewers spams for a real discussion.
Once again I tried my best, for the 12nd year to be better, do something, only to result in more frustration. No matter how much I try to change attitude just to do small tasks and go towards small goals, no matter how positive and solid I try to stay, I am always brought back to a bottom deeper than before.
A lot of time spent just preparing myself to do the things that I had in mind, to no avail. After all the preparation, the practical phase began, only for me to once again see that all my efforts will always never be enough or change anything.
I got into reading, tried watching a bunch of stuff just expanding more and more a bit of trivial knowledge and points of view in so many different things, once again I restarted my abandoned plans, everything I wanted. Minutes would become hours, hours would become days, weeks to months... months to years of continuous failures.
I have been trying to do anything I can do learn, in different ways, tutors, I tried things by myself, but nothing ever helps, nothing ever works. I keep imagining that if I don't come of as someone who can't get anything done, at least I will have the least amount of respect, and having my own family trashtalking me and laughing and joking about me TO ME right in my face does not help. I just have to shut myself in and live as a shadow. I live in the mere shadow from the existence of my family. @Zer0/∞ unfortunately relates to this too well.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't seen so much of people and cultures, as sometimes, the more you see and gather from it all, the more you wish you didn't. Sometimes I wish I didn't even know what is the "outside world" and how it eats you alive. How many times, how many years do you have to fail at literally every thing you try to do or learn to just say "I've had enough, my life is going nowhere and will just remain stagnant. Enough of trying if I have tried too much and failed every time"?
I couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".
But, this time, I would not give up so easily. I had been trying harder than ever, more than ever, only to result in the most frustrating experiences ever. Not only losing all that was left of what could barely be called sanity, but also time, and money. I can't help but feel like everything is closing in and some kind of monster is approaching to destroy me, as always happens in dreams. I can't have peace or rest even when I sleep. I can't stay a single night without waking up from a nightmare to another nightmare, reality. I can't have a single night of resting, without waking up in complete dread, or just to go on and have a panic attack from everything being so convoluted and mixing so much reality with the surreal, imaginary.
I've never felt so frustrated, sad, lost, abandoned to my own madness that has formed in my head after so many failures for so many years, and everything turning to an incredible, never-before-seen level of anger, to the point of snapping the fuck out and breaking my whole room and not even knowing how long I spent doing it, only knowing how much I physically hurt myself in the process.
To quote one my recent threads about it, in my home in the sewers:
Very few things are on par with having to live as simply being "incapable" of accomplishing anything, even small tasks. You can't really blame a person that had every feeling being mixed and turned into pure anger after so many years of things like this, when you end up with nowhere to run and no options to take.
I can't even cope with anything, no distractions work and I just lay on my bed or sit in the chair and rot. I'm simply breathing, stuck without the capacity of doing anything and moving my life to a simple point of start, because I don't call rotting living.
My preparation was simple and based on my previous experiences and advices from several videos about preparing and arranging everything to study and manage your time, goals, tasks, and so on. I could not do the smallest tasks. I've reached a point of total incapacity to do anything other than just breathing and see no way out. I just sat here or got out there to try things going to no avail every time as I had different ideas and plans.
When you feel so unaccomplished without the capacity of doing anything, you can experience every feeling you have being mixed, fused and transforming into pure rage, and combined with social experiences you can come to a point where you understand why @ERadicator @bigantennaemay1 @Mentally lost cel focus a lot on the anger they feel, and I can't help but feel the same, because all that I had seemingly fused together to form a single, colossal monolithic monument that is consisted of pure rage, hatred, towards people who put you down, and disappointing yourself, blaming yourself for having the slightest hope and then watching it fade away as your dreams are erased before your eyes, as you see everything you want, or ever strived for, is just unreachable and inaccessible.
I have reached the absolute breaking-point and nothing can hold me back anymore and I'm getting prepared for it. I've been postponing all my plans because of little sparkles of hope, but I can't do it anymore, and because of that, the writing of my manifesto will probably he a shitshow because I didn't have the time, because of the thoughts that something somehow would change and I would have a chance to have a life instead of just rotting in mysery and loneliness, and always being shut down no matter who I try to talk to.
No interest for anything, all the friends from childhood I wanted to talk to can't be reached and they couldn't care less, or they are mostly dead. Other people I got to talk to got tired of my vents in a matter of hours. Had tremendous arguments with my mom who is the only person that actually matters for me, the only people I thought I had by my side who had been in-game with me for well over a decade split up and started to antagonize me.
I have tried really hard to do something just to lose all the money I had trying to make more money. I have tried to study anything to no avail simply because I'm unable to learn and absorb information. I have tried to cope with anything I can think of, and nothing worked in any way, no food, no movies, series, games, videos, activities, nothing. I can't proceed. I won't proceed to live a life stuck in a mental state that is an opressive prison where all your anxieties, all your fears and failrues look at you from every corner, every angle and never let you rest, physically and mentally. I have already tried everything that I could think of, everything that has been suggested.
A few hours ago I came back in to the forum just to see what was going on, see my inbox and that type of stuff. I was already at an all-time low that I never thought it would someday be possible. Turns out, that later on, it got worse, much worse. It truly gives meaning to "nothing is so bad it can't get worse". That's all I've been experiencing continuously, every time sinking deeper into worse and worse days and state of mind. Every day I thought I had the worst day ever, just to some day later for everything to get much worse. These last months have been the toughest ever, and these last weeks have been absolutely suffocating, and the last days were just too much for a single life to take.
The helplessness is indescribable. I have nothing to hold on to at this point, nothing learn on, people, nothing.
If you don't know what a panopticon is, it's... this:
Things have gone so wrong that the only explanation sometimes is that there is some kind of supernatural force or some kind of curse following me until I die. I don't have words to express anymore. I don't have anything that gives me any sort of value. It's not a phase, it's not just a moment or temporary, this has been going my whole life.
There has to be an "enough" point where you just decide you have tried enough, you have had enough, you have failed enough, you have clear signs it's not going anywhere, nothing is going to change, and your reality is simply a convoluted existential nightmare, with no end in sight.
What should bring joy, brings rage, as it does not work, what should bring fulfillment, brings boredom, what should be a rest, a break, turns into another nightmare when you are already trying to escape the nightmare of existence and reality.
It's not doable.
Once again I tried my best, for the 12nd year to be better, do something, only to result in more frustration. No matter how much I try to change attitude just to do small tasks and go towards small goals, no matter how positive and solid I try to stay, I am always brought back to a bottom deeper than before.
A lot of time spent just preparing myself to do the things that I had in mind, to no avail. After all the preparation, the practical phase began, only for me to once again see that all my efforts will always never be enough or change anything.
I got into reading, tried watching a bunch of stuff just expanding more and more a bit of trivial knowledge and points of view in so many different things, once again I restarted my abandoned plans, everything I wanted. Minutes would become hours, hours would become days, weeks to months... months to years of continuous failures.
I have been trying to do anything I can do learn, in different ways, tutors, I tried things by myself, but nothing ever helps, nothing ever works. I keep imagining that if I don't come of as someone who can't get anything done, at least I will have the least amount of respect, and having my own family trashtalking me and laughing and joking about me TO ME right in my face does not help. I just have to shut myself in and live as a shadow. I live in the mere shadow from the existence of my family. @Zer0/∞ unfortunately relates to this too well.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't seen so much of people and cultures, as sometimes, the more you see and gather from it all, the more you wish you didn't. Sometimes I wish I didn't even know what is the "outside world" and how it eats you alive. How many times, how many years do you have to fail at literally every thing you try to do or learn to just say "I've had enough, my life is going nowhere and will just remain stagnant. Enough of trying if I have tried too much and failed every time"?
I couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".
But, this time, I would not give up so easily. I had been trying harder than ever, more than ever, only to result in the most frustrating experiences ever. Not only losing all that was left of what could barely be called sanity, but also time, and money. I can't help but feel like everything is closing in and some kind of monster is approaching to destroy me, as always happens in dreams. I can't have peace or rest even when I sleep. I can't stay a single night without waking up from a nightmare to another nightmare, reality. I can't have a single night of resting, without waking up in complete dread, or just to go on and have a panic attack from everything being so convoluted and mixing so much reality with the surreal, imaginary.
I've never felt so frustrated, sad, lost, abandoned to my own madness that has formed in my head after so many failures for so many years, and everything turning to an incredible, never-before-seen level of anger, to the point of snapping the fuck out and breaking my whole room and not even knowing how long I spent doing it, only knowing how much I physically hurt myself in the process.
To quote one my recent threads about it, in my home in the sewers:
Seeing where my life is going where I have been taken to, realising that every choice I've ever made lead me to where I am now and there was no way for it to be different no matter what, because apparently some curse has been set on me before I was born.
Things just kept coming to my mind and torture me, all I could feel these years was sadness and an inexplicable sense of loss, but all that slowly turns to anger, and today it reached a breaking point. I thought so much and got ravaged by so many of these thoughts and disasters, all the excruciating humiliation that my whole life and character are, just made me competely snap out.
I must have spent about 40 minutes breaking my room. Keys from my keyboard are missing, I broke so many things I don't even really know much I've broke, injuried my hands and they hurt like hell, my right hand is completely fucked up and lost skin in several parts and it bled a lot and washing and applying alcohol to it later was torture, but I had to clean it.
All that I have felt, finally become complete, pure, total anger with nothing more to it. All the other things still exist, but the primary thing I can feel for the last hour has been pure anger.
Fucking NPCs will never get this shit. Just be positive, just think about good things.
Yeah yeah yeah. Totally works, works so much that the whole world is a fucking chaos and falling apart along with the people in it and their whole lives.
If anything, thinking about good things will just make you worse when you realise you can never have any of that no matter what. Thinking about any of it is nothing more than torture, because you keep visualizing things that either are far gone in the past, or things you strived for and you know you can't achieve no matter how far you go or how hard you try.
Great fucking help.
Very few things are on par with having to live as simply being "incapable" of accomplishing anything, even small tasks. You can't really blame a person that had every feeling being mixed and turned into pure anger after so many years of things like this, when you end up with nowhere to run and no options to take.
I can't even cope with anything, no distractions work and I just lay on my bed or sit in the chair and rot. I'm simply breathing, stuck without the capacity of doing anything and moving my life to a simple point of start, because I don't call rotting living.
My preparation was simple and based on my previous experiences and advices from several videos about preparing and arranging everything to study and manage your time, goals, tasks, and so on. I could not do the smallest tasks. I've reached a point of total incapacity to do anything other than just breathing and see no way out. I just sat here or got out there to try things going to no avail every time as I had different ideas and plans.
When you feel so unaccomplished without the capacity of doing anything, you can experience every feeling you have being mixed, fused and transforming into pure rage, and combined with social experiences you can come to a point where you understand why @ERadicator @bigantennaemay1 @Mentally lost cel focus a lot on the anger they feel, and I can't help but feel the same, because all that I had seemingly fused together to form a single, colossal monolithic monument that is consisted of pure rage, hatred, towards people who put you down, and disappointing yourself, blaming yourself for having the slightest hope and then watching it fade away as your dreams are erased before your eyes, as you see everything you want, or ever strived for, is just unreachable and inaccessible.
- The following section is a mere draft of a thread I had saved from 20 days ago when I first tried to describe what I was feeling, but I couldn't even continue to type everything, I just ran out of every motivation to do anything.
I have reached the absolute breaking-point and nothing can hold me back anymore and I'm getting prepared for it. I've been postponing all my plans because of little sparkles of hope, but I can't do it anymore, and because of that, the writing of my manifesto will probably he a shitshow because I didn't have the time, because of the thoughts that something somehow would change and I would have a chance to have a life instead of just rotting in mysery and loneliness, and always being shut down no matter who I try to talk to.
No interest for anything, all the friends from childhood I wanted to talk to can't be reached and they couldn't care less, or they are mostly dead. Other people I got to talk to got tired of my vents in a matter of hours. Had tremendous arguments with my mom who is the only person that actually matters for me, the only people I thought I had by my side who had been in-game with me for well over a decade split up and started to antagonize me.
I have tried really hard to do something just to lose all the money I had trying to make more money. I have tried to study anything to no avail simply because I'm unable to learn and absorb information. I have tried to cope with anything I can think of, and nothing worked in any way, no food, no movies, series, games, videos, activities, nothing. I can't proceed. I won't proceed to live a life stuck in a mental state that is an opressive prison where all your anxieties, all your fears and failrues look at you from every corner, every angle and never let you rest, physically and mentally. I have already tried everything that I could think of, everything that has been suggested.
- It's not a fucking phase, it's been my entire life.
A few hours ago I came back in to the forum just to see what was going on, see my inbox and that type of stuff. I was already at an all-time low that I never thought it would someday be possible. Turns out, that later on, it got worse, much worse. It truly gives meaning to "nothing is so bad it can't get worse". That's all I've been experiencing continuously, every time sinking deeper into worse and worse days and state of mind. Every day I thought I had the worst day ever, just to some day later for everything to get much worse. These last months have been the toughest ever, and these last weeks have been absolutely suffocating, and the last days were just too much for a single life to take.
The helplessness is indescribable. I have nothing to hold on to at this point, nothing learn on, people, nothing.
I don't know why my life take such a downhill turn since the beginning. Why did it go so wrong? Why did all of a sudden it started to gradually get even worse, to the point I couldn't be in peace even sleeping, the only gateway to escape reality?
My feelings right now are of being watched by every corner, from everywhere, and all my fears, anxieties, regrets, failures, all the dread and despair that I have endured my whole life suddenly gained a physical form and I am inside an oppressive, imposing and intimidating, all concrete-made panopticon.
If you don't know what a panopticon is, it's... this:
- The difference is that many people are watched from the tower by a single person. In my case, I am in the tower being watched by many, from everywhere, by all that has gone wrong, every ghost of failure that I carry inside me, all that had a place in my life and made it go downhill, take unexpected turns to culminate in what it is today. They have been watching every move from me, seemingly waiting for the next perfect moment to attack and and my life even worse.
Things have gone so wrong that the only explanation sometimes is that there is some kind of supernatural force or some kind of curse following me until I die. I don't have words to express anymore. I don't have anything that gives me any sort of value. It's not a phase, it's not just a moment or temporary, this has been going my whole life.
- There is really no way out, there never was. Every word, every step taken, very decision, every move, every breath, took me to this moment. My life has finally crossed a threshold that I thought had been crossed multiple times in irreversible ways, but every time I thought that was it, it just kept getting worse.
- You can't be positive or think about good things if you don't have good moments or things to remember and think about. You can't "just be positive" if from the ground up, top to bottom, everything surrounding you or your whole life, your whole self being is an extreme negative?
- And I ask you, how do you not dive into complete insanity, frustration, anger, mysery, sadness, helplessness when everything you can feel and experience is a dreadful, inescapable reality, and that is the only thing that you will ever know and never be able to get out of after trying so much, for so long and always failing?
There has to be an "enough" point where you just decide you have tried enough, you have had enough, you have failed enough, you have clear signs it's not going anywhere, nothing is going to change, and your reality is simply a convoluted existential nightmare, with no end in sight.
What should bring joy, brings rage, as it does not work, what should bring fulfillment, brings boredom, what should be a rest, a break, turns into another nightmare when you are already trying to escape the nightmare of existence and reality.
- And then I ask anyone, how can anyone be positive or motivated to do anything all while going through all this, always being invalidated, all efforts never giving results, no goals are ever achieved no matter how small or how much I try to break them down to make everything easier, more friendly, when it doesn't matter what you do, you can't ever escape from what you feel, and the most you can get out of it are just a few seconds when you laugh at something you found funny just to forget it and be back to before all over again?
- How to stay afloat when everything keeps dragging you deeper into an abyss and you can't escape because what drags you is much stronger, when everyone's lives you see is working out in a way or another, they are making it, even if slowly, while no matter what you do you always stay stagnant, stuck, or just devolving into more and more despair, hopelessness without ever thriving?
It's not doable.
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