It's been happening for a few months now, but they're becoming a lot more common and a lot more violent.
I think of people coming up to me, humiliating me and then I imagine myself breaking their jaw or grabbing them by the neck and holding them until they can't breath and die. It seems so real. I can really feel myself attacking them, wondering whether if this was all actually real, would I hold back to avoid going to jail or kill them because it's over and my life is already a prison. Sometimes I get so passionate about this that tears start coming down my face or my face turns red and I feel like i'm going to faint. It mostly happens when i'm paranoid. Honestly it feels kinda good. Feeling anger is definitely a lot better than sadness or hopelessness.
What's weird is that I don't think about former bullies or whores who I went to school with. I think of random people most of the time.
Seriously I thought I was the only one with this shit, this describes my experience to a T, even the random people part, I'll just imagine someone fucking with me for no reason at all, doing something that ruins my goals or something, and I'll just start brutalizing them, tearing away at their cheeks with my teeth and biting off chunks and look at them screaming in agony, then smashing their skull in with a lock in my hand or something or a rock
It really does feel so real, I imagined once I stabbed someone and I felt the knife sink into their abdomen, I just can't explain it, I felt the resistance, I didn't feel the blood though, the consistency and its flow was "simulated" but not its warmth, but all the physical elements were there and felt real
I've mentioned this before:
1. Quickly calming rage/anger/aggression
Sometimes I'll randomly catch myself day dreaming, I'm paranoid, and my mind will often dream up scenarios of people at work, people I pass by while walking, family members who are "trouble", etc doing something that ruins my plans for life and fucks with me, the dream then usually drifts off into be in a murderous rage brutalizing them (often involving teeth - I don't know why lol)
Due to this, I've ironically learn to control my emotions very well, especially anger. Though this is something so common you've all heard it before
Its very simple, close your eyes and take deep breaths in through your nose, but the key thing to do is focus on the coolness of the air entering your body, that's what I really notice is the significant part of the calming effect, it just feels good. Make sure to also focus on the darkness you are now seeing to drift your thoughts away from beating and/or killing people
I've never teared up though, its more like I go into a daze where I'm staring at a wall and get lost in the experience, my face shifts, its almost like I lose a few minutes I go into the daze with a blank stare on my face and when I return (become aware of the day dream) my face is in anger
I can't say it "feels good" for me though, it doesn't remotely feel good to me at all because at the end of the day I'm all pent up, I just have to breathe and calm myself down, but there's no release, that doesn't feel good at all, its just frustrating
This shit also started for me recently, like maybe last two years and it has escalated in frequency, I notice it only happens if I let my mind "go in that direction" which is why I try not to focus on whats going wrong in my life but rather focus on getting out of my life into a new one, if I think about all that I've missed out on in live, all the people that have wronged me, taken advantage of me, that's when these thoughts start to appear
The biggest trigger is when I think about all I've missed out on, when my mind goes there, I stop caring about success, I stop caring about tomorrow or anything to do with survival, I just want to kill everyone and everything, because it seems so unacceptable to me for such a world to continue existing
I'm in my 20's just trying to maybe make a life for myself and there are guys who have done everything I wanted in their teens and to them, that's a "chapter" of their life, everything came that easily to them. The book I'm working on was just a chapter in their finished works, and I'm supposed to wake up everyday and not go out and try to slaughter hundreds lol, I'm supposed to just be "ok" with this, this entire world is a joke really
Everytime I see on a TV show or movie they talk about how killing a person "changes you" and you should feel "traumatized" about it, and how police officers and detectives need to have "therapy" after their first kill, I scoff, I've wanted to kill someone for years now, I feel like I would relish it, like it would be my most freeing experience, sometimes I'm really kind of hoping someone gives me an excuse to kill them, almost hoping that someone truly wrongs me, just so that I'd no longer have to hold myself back
