On and off I've felt like this for years.. sometimes I'm happy or distracted.. But the fucking feelings always come back to bother me. Feeling like a damn window shopper helpless to get what my stupid animal instincts crave. People say to me it's not that big of a deal, or some condescending females say shit like ''it only complicates things'' what a load of shit... it's only a big deal if you arn't getting any... Sure.. the thing itself isnt a big deal in the scale of the importance of living.. But it takes a snowball effect and after years becomes something that just eats away at you and becomes bigger and harder to manage. I hate that something that rules my life is something that isnt even a big deal to others. The way females dont have to even look after themselves or make any effort, can still have no jaw and a fat face, do absolutely nothing yet still demand high standards for guys... Where did humanity go wrong.. men have it so hard.. We do all the work and get none of the reward.. building society up and creating all these things to make life easier while fucking females take advantage of it and call us ''loser;; for being born unattractive while they literally do nothing for society but get fucked, which they do due to animal instinct and as a side effect spawn more humans.. as people they are nothing.. yet get treated far better than men.... Work is a joke... All these years after giving up my week for a pissant wage that will never get me the good things in life.. giving up your week for a shit pay and being expected to be grateful for it . There are so many things I do still love in life and I dont want to die.. I just want to be happy but there's no real happyness to be found in this miserable place without a lot of money... If i could afford surgery there might be a chance but thats not an option for me now. im tired of all the judgement.. or the invisibility.. the dirty looks or the no looks at all.. I tried for so long to put myself out there and go to bars and different towns but females wont even notice me or talk.. even at small gatherings between friends if theres ever females they still wont even talk to me casually in a friend like way.... I was with a friend not long ago and there wasnt any other people and their friend i guess you'd call her a 'stacy' legitimately didnt even cross eyes with me or speak to me once. even though there was only 3 of us... I hate jew dating apps like tinder but some assh0le convinced me to give it another go even though I told him its pointless... sure enough swiped maybe 6000 people with no luck... people tell me that only a small percentage of females are on the app, yet the area population is maybe 100,000 or so so id say 6k would probably be a good chunk of the female population. Either way it shows theyre all the same. I fucking hate myself more than the people of society and that says a lot... I hate my dad for not wearing a condom or telling my mum to have an abortion. I had a go at him over it.. Couple weeks ago i scratched my face up with a knife cause I'm sick of seeing it.. i want to rip it to shreds.. because i know its what people avoid me or hate me for... I'm just tired of it all... I'm almost 30 and still a fucking virgin and in the years i was trying since I was 20 i havnt even got as much as to have a feel.. I Just want to end it.. before my next birthday. Nothing will ever change.. ive tried drugs to kill my sex drive. Even considered slicing my fucking dick off but that wont kill the urges.. nothing seems to free my mind from these damn thoughts.. I'm just one of those kids who should of died as a teenager but went on to fail as an adult. All I can do is sit in my car, drink and listen to music until the daylight fades. And get up and do it again.. I really don't want to be here anymore ...
