I really dont know how to start my post. Probably there's only 1 or two people who will recognize my username since i dont post a lot and a lot of time pass since I am active on incel discord. I want to take the chance and say goodbye properly for people who I share my time with.
Im sure most of you will ask If I ascended and the answer is no. I recently lost the most important person in my life, my mom. Probably the only woman who will love me as I am. She is so kind and caring. Always giving money to beggars and friends despite having a lot of debt. Until the very end of her breath, she is asking If I eat, if I take a bath, If Im tired. Can't believe someone whos dying's primary concern is another person's well-being. I thought that only happen in drama movies.
I want to pay her back for all the things she done for me but now I can't. Maybe the only thing I can do is to become a better person. Someone who is independent to deal with his own problem and carry his own weight. Because thats what she wanted me to become.
I think leaving this site would probably help me do that. The nihilistic views in this community discourage me from doing anything. As a human we are programmed to chase what seems to be good. We are a goal oriented species thats why like me you guys probably feel sad or guilty from not doing your best in anything you do.
Im not saying I'll probably get the "life" that I want but if chasing that ideal life makes me sleep comfortable at night without any guilt or regret on not taking the chance then i think its a better gamble.
Amor Fati
