SlutLiberationFront
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★★★★★
- Joined
- May 6, 2021
- Posts
- 11,154
- Hello ID, this time I am posting here instead of posting in the sewers, hidden away from everyone and keeping it for the people close to me in the forum because they show up in my sewer threads that absolutely belong on ID but I don't like posting on ID that much.
I want to give life an absolute last chance. I am really fucking done with a lot of shit. Nothing ever works, nothing ever goes right, it always goes wrong. I'm on a shit ton of medications that are extremely strong and expensive, and they don't work. I sought therapy and I am insisting in it, still tweaking medications to see what works, but doesn't matter how much I take, which ones I take, nothing works, and I know I should not give up now because it can take up to more than a year to find the right combination that works, but I literally feel no effects.
I'm still having terrible nightmares, I never feel rested or with any speck of energy, debilitating anxiety, depression has never been worse in my life and I've never felt so abandoned and hopeless. I let it all out to my therapist and he recommended "good therapies" that I will go to. But there is a catch for me.
How can I be considered anything close to a normal, functional person that can do anything if I will need specialized therapy for the rest of my life, being on a shit ton of medications for mental illness?
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I already took the first steps and I am trying to see what medications work, my psychiatrist was sincere, and I was sincere, I told him I totally refuse to live a life of workarounds and copes. I don't want to cope because I can't have a thing, I WANT that thing. I don't want to live working around problems, I want to NOT have problems. He said the therapies he recommended me are strong, and I will try my best to go through them, all in, if one does not work, then I try the other, if it does not work, I try the other, if it does not work, then I'm done.
If I can't live a normal like a human being, a thing that I am unable to feel as, then there is no point in living. Who wants to live without even feeling like a human?
I feel detached, I feel distant, nothing distracts me, nothing works, nothing goes the right way and I am tired of it.
Not even small things go the right way, and my learning disability and attention deficit will make it impossible for me to have any job or education, so why bother?
People tell me to distract myself without ever realizing or being capable of conceiving that I am a person that cannot be distract from my thoughts and depression, nothing distracts me from these things, absolutely nothing. Nothing is fun, nothing feels genuine, sometimes I don't even know anymore if I'm dreaming or awake, or even alive.
I don't want to live without feeling like a human deserving of something.
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I want to have friends, I want to know and see that I have created memories, but all I see in the future, if I have a long term one, is someone old and bitter sitting at a bar or by myself at home, bitterly complaining and shutting people down, shunning them for being better than me. I absolutely envy anyone who is better than me at anything because I feel fucking useless, I will not even ever be an independent adult like a fucking adult should be, who wants a friend like that, let alone a partner to share things with, do things, just go out, have fun?
People can be supportive but not to that extent. No woman wants such man, no family.
The only thing that can save me from this horrible fate of roping alone, sad, forgotten, detached, throwing a whole life in the trash, is if things work out.
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The problem at hand is that I am not a human being anymore at this point, but still eagerly trying and wanting to live like one, and have experiences, but I feel lost and unable to, even though I'm trying to take the right steps. No one wants someone like me, as a partner or friend, because I'm useless, I serve no purpose, and have NOTHING to offer to anyone, and no one respects someone in such position, a dependent adult, incapable of doing things simply because nothing allows me to.