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LDAR Random Poems 2

  • Thread starter IamJacksBrokenHeart
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IamJacksBrokenHeart

IamJacksBrokenHeart

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i wrote a based poem ,
meant to sooth the pain
but its all over anyway ,
Life's a losing game .

Words wont make a difference ,
its hurting all the same ,
They just turn to gibberish
when i scream in pain .

Murderous Intentions
in my twisted brain .
Hunger for revenge is
Coursing through my veins .

Praying for redemption ,
hoping for a change ,
but i'll serve my sentence
( for a ) Lifetime in this jail .

Stuck here til the end , with
all my guilt and all my shame
bullied and rejected ,
until my mind will break

They dont even pretend to
look beyond my face ,
shallow and pretentious
with no one else to blame .

So they turn to me ,
blame me for their fate ,
stuck inside their system ,
feeling good about themselves .

theres no hell awaiting ,
cause we're already there ,
no satan , Flames and hatred
just everyday despair .

----------------------------------

water is wet ,
normies are fags
letting their wifes get ravaged by Chad ,
blacked , wrecked , foreign objects
inserted in places ...
where they dont normally fit ,
rawdogged and bitch-slapped , then tossed in a ditch
still better than starfish , as soft as it gets
with her cucked husband , he's sobbing until
she spreads her legs and tolerates it
lets him have his hormonal fix ,
pretends to orgasm , calling it quits
lies to his face and hes falling for it .

Cause a couple of minutes of whoredom still beats
a lifetime of Normalcy , monogamy ,
boring conformity , torment indeed ,
she hit the wall and aborted her dreams .

Cucked her husband and taught him defeat ,
no positive masculine , awful beliefs
no toxik mysogynist , narcissist needs
one wrong word and shes causing a scene

She'd rather Life
... in poverty , falling asleep
next to someone who's more than she needs ,
whos more than you'll ever be , hard to believe
genetic superiorty's all that she seeks .
you won't get the cake , not even a piece
you'll get the leftovers , roastbeef , diseased ,
used up and mentally worn out trash heaps .

So , buddy
watch how you talk to your Queen :y'all:
be lucky to have her , shes all that you need
love her forever , indefinitely
pay for that ring and fall to your knees ,
smile and laugh but internally scream ,
when she says '' i do '' , she just murdered your dreams .
Reap what you sow and face your defeat
comofortably numb til' we all fall asleep .



--------

i wrote these poems some time ago as responses to Threads but i thought id give them a seperate post cause i kinda like them .
 
Just be William Shakespeare theory
 
Those are cool poems with great prospects and I would like the comment about them hope it will interest you.
I am not a literature expert but let me give my opinion.
Murderous Intentions
in my twisted brain .
With all due to respect this part looks a little bit too edgy. I understand your frustration as an incel but I personally don't find it very beautiful. Perhaps sth like:
My ailing mind is
Yearning for vengeance
Substituting sick = psycho with sick = needs help would make you more sympathetic. Implying murder in vengeance rather than outright stating it would be more apt in a poem I think.
( for a ) Lifetime in this jail .
Usage of parenthesis here looks bad in terms of form I advise to remove it.
Stuck here til the end , with
What function does the comma serve here?
no satan , Flames and hatred
Is there any reason for the capitalization of the Flames here?

normies are fags
My personal opinion is that using slurs in poems don't look very good. I am not commenting about morality of using slurs or judging you here. But I can't really remember any poems with slurs that I like. Plus once again normies are fags is a bland statement without much poetic value here perhaps something like:
Water is wet,
Normie is yet
letting his wife get ravaged by Chad ,
Could be more fitting? It rhymes also changing their to his fits better with the rest of the poem as your poem involves mainly a single man and his wife.
Inserted in places ...
where they dont normally fit ,
Usage of ellipsis breaks the enjambment.
She'd rather Life
... in poverty , falling asleep
Again unusual usage of ellipsis.

Last two stanzas are very good, ngl. I enjoyed reading them. Thank you for your poems. Feel free to disagree.
PS: Calling your own poem based is kind of a boast, not very professional sounding. Let your readers be judge of it.
 
Last edited:
This will be studied in English literature in schools in 10 years
 
With all due to respect this part looks a little bit too edgy. I understand your frustration as an incel but I personally don't find it very beautiful. Perhaps sth like:
My ailing mind is
Yearning for vengeance
Substituting sick = psycho with sick = needs help would make you more sympathetic. Implying murder in vengeance rather than outright stating it would be more apt in a poem I think.

Usage of parenthesis here looks bad in terms of form I advise to remove it.

What function does the comma serve here?

Is there any reason for the capitalization of the Flames here?


My personal opinion is that using slurs in poems don't look very good. I am not commenting about morality of using slurs or judging you here. But I can't really remember any poems with slurs that I like. Plus once again normies are fags is a bland statement without much poetic value here perhaps something like:
Water is wet,
Normie is yet
letting his wife get ravaged by Chad ,
Could be more fitting? It rhymes also changing their to his fits better with the rest of the poem as your poem involves mainly a single man and his wife.

Usage of ellipsis breaks the enjambment.

Again unusual usage of ellipsis.

Last two stanzas are very good, ngl. I enjoyed reading them. Thank you for your poems. Feel free to disagree.
PS: Calling your own poem based is kind of a boast, not very professional sounding. Let your readers be judge of it.
I dont really wrote this as a classical poem tbh
english is my second language ( im from germany ) but i write Rap songs in my free time
and thats why i tend to sound more edgy and aggressive at times jfl .
No im not really a supporter of violent revenge or going ER ,
so yeah i could have found something better .

I didnt really think too much while writing , did it just for fun and didnt search for the perfect rhyme or the perfect way too phrase it .
but your crticism is still very welcome .

also the dots or ellipsis ( dont eve know what that means jfl low IQ ) or whatever was just placed at points where i would normally stop for a short time while " rapping "
so it fits the rhythm in my head , i write lots of rap lyrics with a beat running in the background so thats why i always try to write to an imagined beat and make it flow .
the dots just mean these are the spots where i catch my breath/make a pause .

i also place these dots rather infrequently , i guess its just an autistic thing i do when writing lyrics .
normally there should be way more dots tbh
next time i write something like this ill just delet the Dots after im done lol .


And i also agree that some parts are cringe or too edgy
like the normies are fags part or the violent revenge part ,
but you have to appeal to your crowd somehow , you know ? :feelskek:

But honestly , thank you very much for this thought out response ,
that motivated me to make another post like this and actually put effort into it next time .

edit : also , about the capitalization error , theres no reason for it , im just low IQ .
 
Last edited:
My life sucks
I have no bux

I am ugly as fuck
I am stuck

Lifes not fair
Time to go roping
 
My poem:
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
 
My poem:
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
It's over
impressive postmaxxing today tbh
 
This is actually very good
 

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