Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,341
Even though mirrors don't bother me too much anymore, seeing pictures of myself still makes me sad. I just can't accept that this ugly face actually belongs to me. Ever since I was a teenager(or maybe even a bit before that), the captured image of my face has made me feel like crying. Perhaps despite being blackpilled, some part of me still instinctively associates appearance with the character of the mind of whom belongs to, that since my face is ugly I must be a bad person. But tbh, I think even more than that I just hate being reminded that females will never want me, they don't see the person that I want them to see, they don't even see me as a man.
If anything, to me this is just serves further proof that this hedonistic, vain culture is not worthy of protecting. Much of our nature as humans is not something to be embraced, society used to understand this, but during the 20th century that clearly changed. The admiration for someone based upon their appearance is no better than the rage it sets off in me, knowing that I'll never be desired as luckier men are, both tendencies are cut from the same cloth of natural inclinations which are to be avoided.
This is also the main reason why I can't even look at the faces of attractive females without, at best, mixed emotions. The dopamine rush which my brain uses to incite me to engage a female like this, and ultimately to breed with her, it's not the same as true understanding for another person. I can't look at them and savor that brief, minuscule moment of happiness anymore, as after realizing that feeling stems from the same behavior which has caused me no small amount of pain, the effect is lost on me. On a related note, it's also probably some of the reason why I like 2D, seeing the smiling faces of girls who aren't real people doesn't invoke the same guilt, because nobody could be hurt by admiring the faces of nonexistent people. It allows me the satisfy this natural tendency in a way that can't possibly be destructive to anyone.
My wish for females to ignore my appearance is only matched by my desire to eliminate this vanity within myself. Both dreams, however, they're totally hopeless. I'll forever desire females based upon their appearance, a mirror of the reason why they reject me. While it may be true that I'd happily date my looksmatch, the fact that I'd still prefer someone who is more attractive is bad enough.
If anything, to me this is just serves further proof that this hedonistic, vain culture is not worthy of protecting. Much of our nature as humans is not something to be embraced, society used to understand this, but during the 20th century that clearly changed. The admiration for someone based upon their appearance is no better than the rage it sets off in me, knowing that I'll never be desired as luckier men are, both tendencies are cut from the same cloth of natural inclinations which are to be avoided.
This is also the main reason why I can't even look at the faces of attractive females without, at best, mixed emotions. The dopamine rush which my brain uses to incite me to engage a female like this, and ultimately to breed with her, it's not the same as true understanding for another person. I can't look at them and savor that brief, minuscule moment of happiness anymore, as after realizing that feeling stems from the same behavior which has caused me no small amount of pain, the effect is lost on me. On a related note, it's also probably some of the reason why I like 2D, seeing the smiling faces of girls who aren't real people doesn't invoke the same guilt, because nobody could be hurt by admiring the faces of nonexistent people. It allows me the satisfy this natural tendency in a way that can't possibly be destructive to anyone.
My wish for females to ignore my appearance is only matched by my desire to eliminate this vanity within myself. Both dreams, however, they're totally hopeless. I'll forever desire females based upon their appearance, a mirror of the reason why they reject me. While it may be true that I'd happily date my looksmatch, the fact that I'd still prefer someone who is more attractive is bad enough.