I was at university trying to normiemaxx, gained a few friends, got some numbers (were all platonic), you guys know the drill, we've all tried it, but it never leads to anything "romantic"
Here's the final moment, there was a point where I said to myself that all options within or above my league were failing, so I'll need to to try and date lower down to increase my odds, I actually believed that personality made a difference around that time (to an extent) and that if I was just outgoing enough and confident enough I'd surely get at least one girl to like me
Well one experience after the next made me bitter, then one day I met this girl who was good at a subject I was crap at (and vice versa), I think she was actually a virgin based on the way she acted, she seemed even more autistic than me and was extremely religious. We were doing the same course so we helped eachother out, weeks went by and things were going well (I thought), we were sitting one day, talking, laughing, and I tried to make a move, and she seemed shocked, from her look I could tell its not that she necessarily didn't want it, its more like she "wasn't ready", but if I had been more attractive that wouldn't have mattered, in other words, I hadn't done enough to "woo" this girl who was even below my league, that was the final straw for my hopes, I contemplated the idea of "taking it slow" with her and lost all will to even try because I realized TIME WAS NOT ON MY SIDE, I'm a virgin in my 20's and I'm running out of time
Later that evening when I was home, I realized how truly fucked I was, after years and years of rejection, humiliation, depression, etc, even if I did find this "perfect girl" who would remain a virgin till marriage for me, I no longer had it in me to wait, I probably wouldn't even want her because I've missed out on too much already to keep waiting. I was just too damaged at that point (a few months later one of my friends killed himself but that's another story, yeah shit just kept getting worse)
I REALIZED IT WAS TRULY OVER FOR ME THEN, BECAUSE IT WASN'T JUST A MATTER OF ME ATTRACTING A WOMAN, IT WAS A MATTER OF ME EVEN BEING ABLE TO WANT TO ATTRACT HER, TO WANT TO TALK TO HER, TO WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX WITH HER, THERE WAS THIS CLOCK TICKING AWAY AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD, I COULD DIE TOMORROW AND I'D DIE A VIRGIN, NEVER EVEN EXPERIENCING A FUCKING TONGUE KISS
A lot of guys who marry virgins are with women who they met young and they decided to do it together, they had various bonding experiences together, the kind of experiences that can satisfy you in a way that makes it seem worth waiting, for those of us who have had none of that, all that there is, is sex, and anything other than that is a waste of time, and a gamble, because you can spend hundreds to thousands wooing one woman and she can just go fuck Chad on the side
I probably couldn't even date a virgin if I could get one, because she'd have a high bar to live up to when it comes to satisfaction, she'd have huge hole to fill, how could I expect any woman to be able to fill a decade plus worth of depression and rage, she won't be able to fill those shoes, she can't make up for all the time that was lost, no woman could
I think the scariest realization for black pillers, is not the black pill itself, but its realizing that you are trapped in your life and there is no way back, there is only forward, once you've been fucked up by life enough there's no going back, everything behind you feels unnatural, it feels forced and it enrages you
Think of something as simple as a hug, something you'd do with friends when you were in elementary, something you'd do with family, those moments probably felt special to me then, but I don't feel like hugging anyone, I don't want to hug anyone, a hug would feel like I'm being taunted, like I'm being mocked by reality itself, like I'm getting scraps off of the table at the affection banquet (by affection I mean meaningful physical stimuli - kissing, cuddling, sex, etc) while everyone else has shared all these other experiences
To all the readers who have a "oneitis" or whatever the fuck, please understand you are wasting your time, you have to move forward, there is no going back, ascension is a waste of time, you are too damaged at this point, if you somehow find a GF who has an idea of what you've faced, and is understanding, and willing to "nurse you back" into being a "normie" then go for it and good luck, but where the fuck are you going to find that, women don't even want to or have to date within their league, what woman is going to want to take on all that baggage, at this point in life, its escortcel or nothing, I literally can't date, I don't want to date, the prospect of taking a woman out who I haven't fucked yet to eat food and talk about shit I care nothing about, seems like a waste of time, it probably feels like a normal thing for someone who hasn't been starved of physical stimuli from the opposite sex for their entire lives, but for someone who has it seems like a drag, I just want to hit the skip dialogue button when it comes to that shit, I don't have it in me anymore to care
Here's the final moment, there was a point where I said to myself that all options within or above my league were failing, so I'll need to to try and date lower down to increase my odds, I actually believed that personality made a difference around that time (to an extent) and that if I was just outgoing enough and confident enough I'd surely get at least one girl to like me
Well one experience after the next made me bitter, then one day I met this girl who was good at a subject I was crap at (and vice versa), I think she was actually a virgin based on the way she acted, she seemed even more autistic than me and was extremely religious. We were doing the same course so we helped eachother out, weeks went by and things were going well (I thought), we were sitting one day, talking, laughing, and I tried to make a move, and she seemed shocked, from her look I could tell its not that she necessarily didn't want it, its more like she "wasn't ready", but if I had been more attractive that wouldn't have mattered, in other words, I hadn't done enough to "woo" this girl who was even below my league, that was the final straw for my hopes, I contemplated the idea of "taking it slow" with her and lost all will to even try because I realized TIME WAS NOT ON MY SIDE, I'm a virgin in my 20's and I'm running out of time
Later that evening when I was home, I realized how truly fucked I was, after years and years of rejection, humiliation, depression, etc, even if I did find this "perfect girl" who would remain a virgin till marriage for me, I no longer had it in me to wait, I probably wouldn't even want her because I've missed out on too much already to keep waiting. I was just too damaged at that point (a few months later one of my friends killed himself but that's another story, yeah shit just kept getting worse)
I REALIZED IT WAS TRULY OVER FOR ME THEN, BECAUSE IT WASN'T JUST A MATTER OF ME ATTRACTING A WOMAN, IT WAS A MATTER OF ME EVEN BEING ABLE TO WANT TO ATTRACT HER, TO WANT TO TALK TO HER, TO WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX WITH HER, THERE WAS THIS CLOCK TICKING AWAY AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD, I COULD DIE TOMORROW AND I'D DIE A VIRGIN, NEVER EVEN EXPERIENCING A FUCKING TONGUE KISS
A lot of guys who marry virgins are with women who they met young and they decided to do it together, they had various bonding experiences together, the kind of experiences that can satisfy you in a way that makes it seem worth waiting, for those of us who have had none of that, all that there is, is sex, and anything other than that is a waste of time, and a gamble, because you can spend hundreds to thousands wooing one woman and she can just go fuck Chad on the side
I probably couldn't even date a virgin if I could get one, because she'd have a high bar to live up to when it comes to satisfaction, she'd have huge hole to fill, how could I expect any woman to be able to fill a decade plus worth of depression and rage, she won't be able to fill those shoes, she can't make up for all the time that was lost, no woman could
I think the scariest realization for black pillers, is not the black pill itself, but its realizing that you are trapped in your life and there is no way back, there is only forward, once you've been fucked up by life enough there's no going back, everything behind you feels unnatural, it feels forced and it enrages you
Think of something as simple as a hug, something you'd do with friends when you were in elementary, something you'd do with family, those moments probably felt special to me then, but I don't feel like hugging anyone, I don't want to hug anyone, a hug would feel like I'm being taunted, like I'm being mocked by reality itself, like I'm getting scraps off of the table at the affection banquet (by affection I mean meaningful physical stimuli - kissing, cuddling, sex, etc) while everyone else has shared all these other experiences
To all the readers who have a "oneitis" or whatever the fuck, please understand you are wasting your time, you have to move forward, there is no going back, ascension is a waste of time, you are too damaged at this point, if you somehow find a GF who has an idea of what you've faced, and is understanding, and willing to "nurse you back" into being a "normie" then go for it and good luck, but where the fuck are you going to find that, women don't even want to or have to date within their league, what woman is going to want to take on all that baggage, at this point in life, its escortcel or nothing, I literally can't date, I don't want to date, the prospect of taking a woman out who I haven't fucked yet to eat food and talk about shit I care nothing about, seems like a waste of time, it probably feels like a normal thing for someone who hasn't been starved of physical stimuli from the opposite sex for their entire lives, but for someone who has it seems like a drag, I just want to hit the skip dialogue button when it comes to that shit, I don't have it in me anymore to care
Last edited:
