Despite not being born in an English-speaking country, I can speak and communicate in both British and American English fluently without any of you even realizing that it’s NOT my native language (I accentmog 90% of this shithole including all the teachers and professors - in fact, I’ve yet see anyone read texts as autistically fast and accurate as I do in terms of pronunciation 
) to a point that I now actively think and talk to myself regularly in English all thanks to being predominantly exposed to western media (vidya, too much consooomation of YouTube (not proud of it), etc.) from a young age, and as a result, I feel distinctively conflicted regarding my identity and am usually severely depressed because of it.
It’s a little abstract, but I don’t have a stable personality hence I also FEEL different each and every day depending on the amount of time I have to put into articulating two different languages, and all social medias can’t help but solidify it either.
Not only is the culturally dissonant reality caused by it depressing and led me to always feeling lost in translation, but it’s also lonely, it’s severely lonely and alienating because of how it’s really all just in my own head, it unironically DOESN’T exist outside of it. All it takes for it all to crumble and vanish into thin air is for me to stop doing it and all of a sudden, this side of my life is nonexistent. Not even that, I can just face the other way right now as I’m typing and boom, different world, different me, you see what I’m saying? It’s just so weird and again, it’s hard to put it into words.
I just feel out of place among “REAL” people outside. Like I don’t fit in or belong. It’s brutal man. It’s beyond brootal. It’s like I’m struggling to even convey myself now. The communication dichotomy has completely hindered my ability to express my true thoughts and intentions clearly in both of the languages I speak, and as a result, I now feel like the absolute brainless idiot that I am. Does that make any sense? I’m falling behind my peers because of it, and a lot of my colleagues for example are using too much colloquial shit I don’t even know what the fuck they stand for, so it just leaves me stranded and left behind.
It’s all just too brutal to be as autistic and retarded as me, honestly.
) to a point that I now actively think and talk to myself regularly in English all thanks to being predominantly exposed to western media (vidya, too much consooomation of YouTube (not proud of it), etc.) from a young age, and as a result, I feel distinctively conflicted regarding my identity and am usually severely depressed because of it.It’s a little abstract, but I don’t have a stable personality hence I also FEEL different each and every day depending on the amount of time I have to put into articulating two different languages, and all social medias can’t help but solidify it either.
Not only is the culturally dissonant reality caused by it depressing and led me to always feeling lost in translation, but it’s also lonely, it’s severely lonely and alienating because of how it’s really all just in my own head, it unironically DOESN’T exist outside of it. All it takes for it all to crumble and vanish into thin air is for me to stop doing it and all of a sudden, this side of my life is nonexistent. Not even that, I can just face the other way right now as I’m typing and boom, different world, different me, you see what I’m saying? It’s just so weird and again, it’s hard to put it into words.
I just feel out of place among “REAL” people outside. Like I don’t fit in or belong. It’s brutal man. It’s beyond brootal. It’s like I’m struggling to even convey myself now. The communication dichotomy has completely hindered my ability to express my true thoughts and intentions clearly in both of the languages I speak, and as a result, I now feel like the absolute brainless idiot that I am. Does that make any sense? I’m falling behind my peers because of it, and a lot of my colleagues for example are using too much colloquial shit I don’t even know what the fuck they stand for, so it just leaves me stranded and left behind.
It’s all just too brutal to be as autistic and retarded as me, honestly.
