LDAR Living the same day everyday

[Deleted member 8353]

I've lived through what has been essentially the same day, over and over again, countless times. Often I'll be sitting in my chair, have some random train of thought while doing the same things which I usually do, and then I'm overcome with the feeling that I've experienced this exact moment at some point in the past, but I just can't place exactly when. I want to retrieve the memory, but I can only come up with that moment. It gives me head pressures and makes my body hair stand up just due to how unnerving it is, similar to the feeling of déjà vu, but the difference is that I actually have experienced that particular moment before, it's just that the prior memory of it is impossible to differentiate from the new one.

Honestly I don't think that the rotting is exclusive to me, I strongly feel that this day which I've lived through so many times has been decaying. This day rots just a little bit more every time I experience it again. Everything about it becomes worse, even though nothing about the day has fundamentally changed. It's so subtle that it's only noticeable over a long period of time, but it seems that the more I perceive the same things, the more they deteriorate within my mind. I'm now so dissociated a lot of the time that I get a strong desire to escape my body, as if I'm trapped within it, almost being suffocated by it. I'll find myself wondering why I can only see out of my eyes, or why the objects around me don't move just by me willing them to do so. It's like being on the verge of waking up, except I never actually do, I usually just fall back into the dream after a time and temporarily forget the feeling.

Communicating though text like this feels more real to me than speaking to my parents irl. The worst part of this is being consciously aware of the reality that my mind is fucked, yet I seem powerless to do much of anything about it. Escapism seems to be one of only things which counteracts the effect which I'm describing, music also helps a bit too.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

Beyond over for this thread

 

[epillepsy]

Good post. It's just difficult to reply to something like this.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

Good post. It's just difficult to reply to something like this.

You're right tbh, not really sure where I was going with this one.

 

[epillepsy]

You're right tbh, not really sure where I was going with this one.

It reminds me of a passage from The Temple of the Golden Pavilion:

One of the many ways in which I differ from other people is that the acts which I perform in real life are inclined to end as faithful copies of what is in my imagination. Or rather, I should say not imagination but the memory of my own wellsprings. I could not get over the feeling that every single experience that I might enjoy in my life had already been experienced by me previously in a more brilliant form. Even in the case of a physical act like this, I felt that at some time and some place which I could no longer remember - perhaps with Uiko - I had known a more violent form of carnal joy, a sensuality that had made my entire body seem numb. This provided the source of all my later joys, and indeed those joys were merely tantamount to scooping out handfuls of water from the past. Truly I felt that at some time in the distant past I had somewhere witnessed a sunset glow of incomparable magnificence. Was it my fault that the sunsets which I had seen thereafter had always appeared more or less faded?

I think this is saying something similar to what you said.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

It reminds me of a passage from The Temple of the Golden Pavilion:

One of the many ways in which I differ from other people is that the acts which I perform in real life are inclined to end as faithful copies of what is in my imagination. Or rather, I should say not imagination but the memory of my own wellsprings. I could not get over the feeling that every single experience that I might enjoy in my life had already been experienced by me previously in a more brilliant form. Even in the case of a physical act like this, I felt that at some time and some place which I could no longer remember - perhaps with Uiko - I had known a more violent form of carnal joy, a sensuality that had made my entire body seem numb. This provided the source of all my later joys, and indeed those joys were merely tantamount to scooping out handfuls of water from the past. Truly I felt that at some time in the distant past I had somewhere witnessed a sunset glow of incomparable magnificence. Was it my fault that the sunsets which I had seen thereafter had always appeared more or less faded?

I think this is saying something similar to what you said.

Pretty much yeah, maybe I should try to read that book.

 

[AlexanderTheGreat11]

Rotting for a year now has taken quite a toll on me , i can't imagine a decade

 

[Cypher]

I've been experiencing the same thing since May.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

I've been experiencing the same thing since May.

Concentrating on something suppresses the dissociative stuff for me, but the problem is that I now struggle with concentration.

 

[FinnCel]

Remember the movie groundhog day?

 

[Deleted member 8353]

Remember the movie groundhog day?

Never watched it tbh.