I still live with my parents, my chances of living alone are impaired, terrified of using the telephone, driving a car, have tried to gain experience in the two but it just wont hold, feel better about them for a few days but will simply slip back into angst if I let me get some rest and not practice for two days, going out, getting groceries is better but still always an effort, drains me. I wish I could move out but I couldnt handle the things youd need for that.
Parents are fed up with me, no wonder, cant blame them either, but blame their methods of confronting me with that knowledge, only make it worse. Father is especially bad with this, had high expectations of me, do well in life, success, morals, so forth, but I cant deliver, wont alter his expectations though, still have to be a good upstanding individual with success, not allowed to be jaded, frustrated, doesnt matter that Im not NT, that I simply cant make it like a normal guy.
Im often sad, feel lonely very often, try not to bother my parents with those thoughts, dont want to burden their feelings too much, try to keep it to myself. No use though, father breaches privacy, simply ignores boundaries that we negotiated so that we dont have fights, doesnt care or is too weak to care, aggressive very often, talks about how you cant restrict a mans freedom, how its inhumane to want someone to bottle up frustration and not confront, lets it out on me however, doesnt see the double standard that its inhumane how hes beating down on me without me standing up for myself, goes off at slightest provocation of course.
Try to live a normal life, despite loneliness, despite feeling like an outcast wherever I go, LDAR a lot when I feel depressed, try to accept those feelings, accept myself to be able to move on, father doesnt care, tells me Im ungrateful for not doing better in life when they always tried to support me, talks about other people and how they do it but I wont, calls me a loser with a long sermon without calling me a loser outright of course, too smart for that, tortures me with endless fights by unloading on me, makes me feel more miserable about myself, twists my words, twists the conversation in his emotional favour, just ignores it when I call him out on it and want an end.
Best of all, makes it so he is the victim, how I make it all about myself, I should be more considerate, when I just want to be left alone often, feel very forsaken, hopeless, cant be around people without staring into the abyss sometimes. He wants me to relax and get better and make an effort and be succesful at the same time, have to do the impossible. Just now, decided to not do one thing because Im too occupied by another, drains my reserves too much, have to concentrate despite feeling like shit, theres a deadline, father is pissed off because the thing I wont do entails him, other does as well, but I just have to measure up and do both, tells me this and when I declined threw the „Thats life“, no fucking joke. He refuses to see how he shouldnt just throw comments like that, is his right apparently to pelt me with lines that are especially cruel to me, does this often, joke is: I barely have a life, its fucking garbage, Im not happy at all and life mostly causes me misery, and he knows it. But hey „Thats life!“, not pissed off that he said it like that, pissed off that he wont even respect me enough to acknowledge how mean it is to rub it in my face and that he could just refrain from such comments in the future.
Mother is helpless, just cries a lot and tries to discuss issues away, doesnt have solutions either of course because there are none, hopes that my life will get magically better for some reason, it wont.
My parents, theyre both accomplished, having a child after being accomplished was probably the thing they decided was next on their agenda on their road of „Life Success“, Im just a fucking vanity project, a product to show to themselves how great they are, that they can raise a son whos also having success in life, whos not a loser. Im not a loser because nobody is, but Im not up to their expectations either, different from what they expected, in fact, very different from everyone else Ive ever met myself, cant be succesful in any traditional way. Father feels cheated, did nothing wrong apparently and still his son is a fuckup, look the others are making it as well! Mother feels guilty for having born me, lucid enough to see how similiar Im to herself, just dont have the pussy bonus, gets that Im fucked this way.
Recently have begun to hit myself hard in the head when I just couldnt take it anymore, parents cant do anything against it, not hurting myself seriously, dont damage the interior either. Have trouble keeping thoughts of suicide away, not a planner, too much pressure, high building could do it for me, or highspeed train, have access but its a walk, dont want to go outside for it. No rope available either, industrial incinerator would be my preferred way, at least sufficiently brutal to how I feel life is for me, but similiar problem, thoughts settle on knife to the arteries when everyone else is asleep, would be pretty bloody and wouldnt have to go outside, minimal planning.
I dont want to live anymore, therapists are of no help either, just tell me to come back next week, but they dont have answers, they dont even understand whats going on with me although I tell them. Clients usually must be foids or normshits that dont have real problems, and then it was so difficult for me to even get a place for therapy because of these fucks, its hopeless, its all so fucking hopeless, its fucking over and it never, never even began, adulthood is just waking up to that knowledge.
Parents are fed up with me, no wonder, cant blame them either, but blame their methods of confronting me with that knowledge, only make it worse. Father is especially bad with this, had high expectations of me, do well in life, success, morals, so forth, but I cant deliver, wont alter his expectations though, still have to be a good upstanding individual with success, not allowed to be jaded, frustrated, doesnt matter that Im not NT, that I simply cant make it like a normal guy.
Im often sad, feel lonely very often, try not to bother my parents with those thoughts, dont want to burden their feelings too much, try to keep it to myself. No use though, father breaches privacy, simply ignores boundaries that we negotiated so that we dont have fights, doesnt care or is too weak to care, aggressive very often, talks about how you cant restrict a mans freedom, how its inhumane to want someone to bottle up frustration and not confront, lets it out on me however, doesnt see the double standard that its inhumane how hes beating down on me without me standing up for myself, goes off at slightest provocation of course.
Try to live a normal life, despite loneliness, despite feeling like an outcast wherever I go, LDAR a lot when I feel depressed, try to accept those feelings, accept myself to be able to move on, father doesnt care, tells me Im ungrateful for not doing better in life when they always tried to support me, talks about other people and how they do it but I wont, calls me a loser with a long sermon without calling me a loser outright of course, too smart for that, tortures me with endless fights by unloading on me, makes me feel more miserable about myself, twists my words, twists the conversation in his emotional favour, just ignores it when I call him out on it and want an end.
Best of all, makes it so he is the victim, how I make it all about myself, I should be more considerate, when I just want to be left alone often, feel very forsaken, hopeless, cant be around people without staring into the abyss sometimes. He wants me to relax and get better and make an effort and be succesful at the same time, have to do the impossible. Just now, decided to not do one thing because Im too occupied by another, drains my reserves too much, have to concentrate despite feeling like shit, theres a deadline, father is pissed off because the thing I wont do entails him, other does as well, but I just have to measure up and do both, tells me this and when I declined threw the „Thats life“, no fucking joke. He refuses to see how he shouldnt just throw comments like that, is his right apparently to pelt me with lines that are especially cruel to me, does this often, joke is: I barely have a life, its fucking garbage, Im not happy at all and life mostly causes me misery, and he knows it. But hey „Thats life!“, not pissed off that he said it like that, pissed off that he wont even respect me enough to acknowledge how mean it is to rub it in my face and that he could just refrain from such comments in the future.
Mother is helpless, just cries a lot and tries to discuss issues away, doesnt have solutions either of course because there are none, hopes that my life will get magically better for some reason, it wont.
My parents, theyre both accomplished, having a child after being accomplished was probably the thing they decided was next on their agenda on their road of „Life Success“, Im just a fucking vanity project, a product to show to themselves how great they are, that they can raise a son whos also having success in life, whos not a loser. Im not a loser because nobody is, but Im not up to their expectations either, different from what they expected, in fact, very different from everyone else Ive ever met myself, cant be succesful in any traditional way. Father feels cheated, did nothing wrong apparently and still his son is a fuckup, look the others are making it as well! Mother feels guilty for having born me, lucid enough to see how similiar Im to herself, just dont have the pussy bonus, gets that Im fucked this way.
Recently have begun to hit myself hard in the head when I just couldnt take it anymore, parents cant do anything against it, not hurting myself seriously, dont damage the interior either. Have trouble keeping thoughts of suicide away, not a planner, too much pressure, high building could do it for me, or highspeed train, have access but its a walk, dont want to go outside for it. No rope available either, industrial incinerator would be my preferred way, at least sufficiently brutal to how I feel life is for me, but similiar problem, thoughts settle on knife to the arteries when everyone else is asleep, would be pretty bloody and wouldnt have to go outside, minimal planning.
I dont want to live anymore, therapists are of no help either, just tell me to come back next week, but they dont have answers, they dont even understand whats going on with me although I tell them. Clients usually must be foids or normshits that dont have real problems, and then it was so difficult for me to even get a place for therapy because of these fucks, its hopeless, its all so fucking hopeless, its fucking over and it never, never even began, adulthood is just waking up to that knowledge.
