Venting Nothing more than complete dread of the future

[Lebensmüder]

I don't even know why my fucking parents keep telling me to study. It's not like I will ever be something except a disability hire that is more passively tolerated than accepted/integrated into the workforce. My entire life I felt like a third wheel/a milestone and I was always treated as such regardless of my actual performance.

When people talk with me they realize that I have mental problems pretty fast, a few days into a new practical a few years ago and a man asked whether I had a mental disability/mental illness - and he even directly asked me whether it was Asperger's Syndrome. It took him a few hours to figure it out despite my attempts of being as normal as possible and making a secret out of the diagnosis, it unironically felt like a blow in my face. The worst thing about Autism is not only the altered behavior, but also everything physical (like completely off body language/movements/speech patterns/etc.), I don't care what people with less severe problems think - for me Autism (diagnosed as a child) is a curse.

Nothing is more sickening than the fact that you stand out no matter how hard you try to fit in. I want to be nothing special in social regards (like with women/friends/coworkers) and something special in other regards (like intelligence/talent/etc.) - sadly, it's exactly the opposite. Despite enormous effort my work is nothing special (considering the cost-benefit-analysis with time invested and advantages received), if others had the same time as I had they could mog me to hell and back also in terms of grades/etc.

And then there is the entire sense of dread regarding the future: Do these grades really matter when I am so off that I couldn't even pass as remotely normal for a few hours or when my motoric problems make any precise work impossible anyways? And logistics is also something I hate, I can work good when others tell me what to do and then the deed is performed as they want at the given date, but the entire thing with following your own shedule is something I despise.

In the moment I only do the studymaxxing because I feel like I am forced to, but I see no future in it.
A person with my mental/physical/personal problems could in no way ever get a job that doesn't involve disability hiring - and this is something I despised for my entire life. Everything was a struggle, everything was tiring (even getting into a school with normal children as a child), there was always a detour that I had to do, all that useless shit that no normal person had to do. And all that fighting in my childhood ultimately seems worth nothing nowadays.
It would almost be laughable at this point if it wasn't so sad. People like me aren't needed anymore, today everything is about innovation and creativity, people who follow orders are only needed for manual labour anymore (which I am not able to do). This world is a mess for people like me - not only in social terms, but also in every other term. Everything feels so empty and repression with copes is the only thing I can do against it.

 

[Pancakecel]

That's incredibly fucked up, and wrong that people, even if they themselves might think there is something wrong with you they just openly come up to you and speak about such a personal thing. Inconsiderate assholes.

All I can say regarding studymaxxing, is that if you are at least able to land a decent paying job in the future, because of it you can then afforded good copes. It's better to be like this and be financially stable then have nothing whilst also dealing with the inceldom shit.

 

[Lebensmüder]

That's incredibly fucked up, and wrong that people, even if they themselves might think there is something wrong with you they just openly come up to you and speak about such a personal thing. Inconsiderate assholes.

I don't even think that he meant that as something bad/vile; I think he saw that I had some problems and just wanted clearance. The fact that he was so specific about the disorder also makes me think that he maybe knew someone who also had it and maybe even had an intention to help (it was nothing hostile or something like that).

All I can say regarding studymaxxing, is that if you are at least able to land a decent paying job in the future, because of it you can then afforded good copes. It's better to be like this and be financially stable then have nothing whilst also dealing with the inceldom shit.

I will try to get one in order to get the financial stability. I also study STEM. NEETmaxxing is not viable for me.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Sounds like it's time to end it.

 

[Deleted member 17245]

That's incredibly fucked up, and wrong that people, even if they themselves might think there is something wrong with you they just openly come up to you and speak about such a personal thing. Inconsiderate assholes.

At least this person in this instance was honest, unlike the OP's parents. Honesty is often brutal, but necessary. Now @Lebensmüder is faced with reevaluating his life.

Everything feels so empty and repression with copes is the only thing I can do against it.

Every action is a cope. Procreation is a cope against one's own mortality. Accept this and find good copes that are accessible to you, then try to turn these copes into a profitable venture. Accept that you will typically be seen as a freak of nature by normies, and stop caring about them. The alternative is to rope, but this is merely a cope as well, for life itself is inescapable. You will live your life again in the eternal recurrence.

 

[Lebensmüder]

At least this person in this instance was honest, unlike the OP's parents. Honesty is often brutal, but necessary. Now @Lebensmüder is faced with reevaluating his life.


Every action is a cope. Procreation is a cope against one's own mortality. Accept this and find good copes that are accessible to you, then try to turn these copes into a profitable venture. Accept that you will typically be seen as a freak of nature by normies, and stop caring about them. The alternative is to rope, but this is merely a cope as well, for death itself is inescapable. You will live your life again in the eternal recurrence.

Yes. This is what I am currently trying. I know that in my country no person can/will accept me, maybe in a foreign country/etc. things could be different (because there ineptitude could be explained with a different language and certain cultural differences - this gives some plausible deniability).

In the moment I am still studymaxxing to get as much money as possible (and to some degree because some of my obsessions focus around the subject which provides intrinsic motivation in the sense of emotional fulfillment). I will not rope, because I still have some copes to enjoy. And everything is coping indeed.