My Name Jeff
SIGMATOSIS
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- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
- Posts
- 5,860
this is a very whiney self centered rant but i have nobody i can talk to so i wanted to post it here
recently ive been looking at jobs in my area, they all require college degrees if they pay decently and arent back-breaking physical labor which im not capable of. i called my dad to talk and all he did was brag to me about him taking to buddy to see a show at a casino and buy him dinner.. i just hung up. i cant.. for some reason thats broken my will. i try and vent to him about my financial issues recently and he always brags to me about how he is at the casino, how he is buying this, that, new car, hot tub, at the casino 5 nights a week. now to hear he is treating his buddy to expensive dinners and shows but me, his own son, who he should love, he treats me like a stranger. i just want money to buy a better laptop to cope with my fucking boring SHIT life, and he cant even help me with that. im not asking him for a car, a house, just a simple fucking laptop because the one i have right now can barely run any games.
ive tried to be cheery lately, tried to be nicer, ive tried to socialize more with my family. but now i am just sitting here feeling worse than ever.
my whole life i have been setup by my dad, he raised me isolated on a farm because HE liked it, he never took me to see friends because it inconvenienced HIM, he fed me tons of garbage food to shut me up and made me obese as a child because it was easier for HIM, he spent my college fund at the casino because HE found it fun. him him him, always him. i had no friends because i was obese and socially underdeveloped, i didnt get any girlfriend because i was obese, i couldnt afford to go college because he spent my college fund for low level entertainment, and now its all coming back. i have nothing.
i have no one i can lean on, nobody i can ask for help or support or even a hug, i have so little money, i need so much money to make my life normal, i need money for copes, its money. i hate that its just money, but thats how it is. i drive 2 hours a day to be at a job that pays okay-ish, and its crushing me. i give my mother money because she is tight and is hard on rent, but i have nobody i can really lean on. i just wish i had someone, anyone, to even lay with at night and just appreciate me. i dont want to live, but i dont want to die. i want to enjoy life, but right now i feel worse than ever.
i think to my sister even, she was getting 4000 a month and was still asking my mom for money, and other things, and she always gave it to her. not faulting my sister but just reflecting it on my current situation i feel so alone, so left behind. nobody cares.
i drove home today just thinking about how i want my life to be, how could i achieve it, but it was just impossible. the thought of suicide makes me feel so happy, imagine just feeling for a second that nothing matters anymore, no more issues, no more stress, no more anything, just serenity. but i dont want to kill myself, i want to live a nice life. im just so defeated right now i never thought i could feel like this.
recently ive been looking at jobs in my area, they all require college degrees if they pay decently and arent back-breaking physical labor which im not capable of. i called my dad to talk and all he did was brag to me about him taking to buddy to see a show at a casino and buy him dinner.. i just hung up. i cant.. for some reason thats broken my will. i try and vent to him about my financial issues recently and he always brags to me about how he is at the casino, how he is buying this, that, new car, hot tub, at the casino 5 nights a week. now to hear he is treating his buddy to expensive dinners and shows but me, his own son, who he should love, he treats me like a stranger. i just want money to buy a better laptop to cope with my fucking boring SHIT life, and he cant even help me with that. im not asking him for a car, a house, just a simple fucking laptop because the one i have right now can barely run any games.
ive tried to be cheery lately, tried to be nicer, ive tried to socialize more with my family. but now i am just sitting here feeling worse than ever.
my whole life i have been setup by my dad, he raised me isolated on a farm because HE liked it, he never took me to see friends because it inconvenienced HIM, he fed me tons of garbage food to shut me up and made me obese as a child because it was easier for HIM, he spent my college fund at the casino because HE found it fun. him him him, always him. i had no friends because i was obese and socially underdeveloped, i didnt get any girlfriend because i was obese, i couldnt afford to go college because he spent my college fund for low level entertainment, and now its all coming back. i have nothing.
i have no one i can lean on, nobody i can ask for help or support or even a hug, i have so little money, i need so much money to make my life normal, i need money for copes, its money. i hate that its just money, but thats how it is. i drive 2 hours a day to be at a job that pays okay-ish, and its crushing me. i give my mother money because she is tight and is hard on rent, but i have nobody i can really lean on. i just wish i had someone, anyone, to even lay with at night and just appreciate me. i dont want to live, but i dont want to die. i want to enjoy life, but right now i feel worse than ever.
i think to my sister even, she was getting 4000 a month and was still asking my mom for money, and other things, and she always gave it to her. not faulting my sister but just reflecting it on my current situation i feel so alone, so left behind. nobody cares.
i drove home today just thinking about how i want my life to be, how could i achieve it, but it was just impossible. the thought of suicide makes me feel so happy, imagine just feeling for a second that nothing matters anymore, no more issues, no more stress, no more anything, just serenity. but i dont want to kill myself, i want to live a nice life. im just so defeated right now i never thought i could feel like this.