You are born. The son of a family who tries tries to make the ends meet.
You grow up, (or not, and you stay a manlet forever...) and you start to make observations and have thoughts beyond ''me want mommy and frens''. You're an aspiring young boy, affirmed by your parents and grandparents that you have the brightest kid among them all. It's all looking good, until...
...At the age where you're starting to become interested in the opposite sex. Something's off. Boys want girls, and girls want boys. Hormones going crazy! You see it happen. Your friend kisses your classmate, your old buddy from 4th grade stops hanging out with you to go date his girl instead. But, it's never you.
You desperately wonder, ''Why not me?''. What are you doing wrong? Then some more misery-filled days later, it clicks. They all have a common factor. They're attractive. You're not. Realizing that you're not attractive (***) as others destroys your confidence. Then it begins. The bullying. The exclusion. As if it wasn't horrible already! You get constantly picked on, for the mere amusement of those superior to you. (They didn't put in effort for their superiority either!) It kills you inside. After this happens, you lose a part of yourself you'll never get back. Even if you woke up as Chad tomorrow, the years of mental torture will NEVER be scraped off your mind. No amount of alcohol will make you forget. No drug will make you truly happy again.
Anywho, we are social animals. The constant exclusion degenerated your already-shitty social skills. That makes you less outgoing, your social circle smaller than ever, all you want is to go home and engage in escapist copes. You realise that you're not as funny as others, you aren't a cool kid, you just don't have "it", you're just not charming, even in a non-romantic way.
And the worst part is? You have no clue what to do.
You're lagging behind, but life pays no mercy to you. You're left with the social skills of a 5th grader. The girls get start to get taken by the Chads, probably ones you had a crush on have been taken by this point.
You have no one to talk to about it, so you become more self critical and more frustrated that ever. The copes start to run out. Your hormones are at their peak. Not even watching porn or masturbating gives you a dopamine rush anymore. While Chad's fucking your crush in his car, you're at home, doors locked, jerking your small limp dick off to some degenerate porn, because the vanilla stuff doesn't even excite you anymore.
Days go by, things change, but when you look back you're still at square one. You find yourself still stuck while your classmates are making out at the school homecoming or prom, but you probably stopped going to those events anyway. If you do, you'll kinda just sit in a corner, watching as the others have fun.
You are jealous of your friends (who have mostly forgotten about you) from before this time in your life. They're doing new things now, things you want to do too, but you haven't got there yet. And you never will. You're young, you're impatient, you just don't have the answer. Yet the clock is mercilessly ticking. Time is running out. You're at that age where being a virgin is something to be made fun of.
They do their thing, you do yours. And by ''your thing'' I mean meaningless copes who serve no purpose except for distracting you from the pain.
The spiral starts. More time alone, more time seeing others doing things you want to be doing and if you don't have patience and self awareness to see the signs, you start looking for answers that cant be given, quick fixes, excuses, anything. Still nothing. You're still an ugly loser. You don't even have the motivation to study to have a good career.
And before you know it, the time has come. You're finally free of school / college. By this point your mom and dad stopped asking if you have a girl yet or not because even they know it's over for you. Your sister starts suspecting if you're gay, I mean, she has been to several guys' houses, but she has never seen you bring even a single girl back. Huh. Weird. They're not completely surprised though- they witnessed you transform from the innocent boy you were to the...thing... you are now.
You're on your computer or phone basically 24/7 now. It is the only thing left for you. You're an adult now. No more friends to play soccer with on a quiet corner of the streets. No more enjoying the small things in life, no more looking forward to your birthday or Christmas gifts. (You don't get any either way.) You really let go as the fact that it is over for you is drilled to your skull. You don't even talk to your parents anymore all that much. Even taking care of yourself or basic hygiene is a pointless chore for you now, after all what's the point?
At this point you are completely dead - perhaps not in the literal sense, but figuratively. Because, is it really living if you're just waiting for the day you die?
And that, my unfortunate friend, is the way it is. This right here...it is your fate.
*** - Exceptions to this part are people like me who were visibly deformed from the start.
''Consider the capacity of the human body for pleasure. Sometimes, it is pleasant to eat, to drink, to see, to touch, to smell, to hear, to make love. The mouth. The eyes. The fingertips. The nose. The ears. The genitals. Our voluptific faculties (if you will forgive me the coinage) are not exclusively concentrated in these places, but it is undeniable that they are concentrated here. The whole body is susceptible to pleasure, but in places there are wells from which it may be drawn up in greater quantity. But not inexhaustibly. How long is it possible to know pleasure? Rich Romans ate to satiety, and then purged their overburdened bellies and ate again. But they could not eat for ever. A rose is sweet, but the nose becomes habituated to its scent. And what of the most intense pleasures, the personality-annihilating ecstasies of sex? ... Even if I were a woman, and could string orgasm on orgasm like beads upon a necklace, in time I should sicken of it. Yet consider. Consider pain. Give me a cubic centimetre of your flesh and I could give you pain that would swallow you as the ocean swallows a grain of salt. And you would always be ripe for it, from before the time of your birth to the moment of your death. We are always in season for the embrace of pain. To experience pain requires no intelligence, no maturity, no wisdom, no slow working of the hormones in the moist midnight of our innards. We are always ripe for it. All life is ripe for it. Always. ... Consider the ways in which we may gain pleasure. Consider. Consider the ways in which we may be given pain. The one is to the other as the moon is to the sun.''
-Jesús Ignacio Aldapuerta, The Eyes: Emetic Fables from the Andalusian de Sade, (1996)
You grow up, (or not, and you stay a manlet forever...) and you start to make observations and have thoughts beyond ''me want mommy and frens''. You're an aspiring young boy, affirmed by your parents and grandparents that you have the brightest kid among them all. It's all looking good, until...
...At the age where you're starting to become interested in the opposite sex. Something's off. Boys want girls, and girls want boys. Hormones going crazy! You see it happen. Your friend kisses your classmate, your old buddy from 4th grade stops hanging out with you to go date his girl instead. But, it's never you.
You desperately wonder, ''Why not me?''. What are you doing wrong? Then some more misery-filled days later, it clicks. They all have a common factor. They're attractive. You're not. Realizing that you're not attractive (***) as others destroys your confidence. Then it begins. The bullying. The exclusion. As if it wasn't horrible already! You get constantly picked on, for the mere amusement of those superior to you. (They didn't put in effort for their superiority either!) It kills you inside. After this happens, you lose a part of yourself you'll never get back. Even if you woke up as Chad tomorrow, the years of mental torture will NEVER be scraped off your mind. No amount of alcohol will make you forget. No drug will make you truly happy again.
Anywho, we are social animals. The constant exclusion degenerated your already-shitty social skills. That makes you less outgoing, your social circle smaller than ever, all you want is to go home and engage in escapist copes. You realise that you're not as funny as others, you aren't a cool kid, you just don't have "it", you're just not charming, even in a non-romantic way.
And the worst part is? You have no clue what to do.
You're lagging behind, but life pays no mercy to you. You're left with the social skills of a 5th grader. The girls get start to get taken by the Chads, probably ones you had a crush on have been taken by this point.
You have no one to talk to about it, so you become more self critical and more frustrated that ever. The copes start to run out. Your hormones are at their peak. Not even watching porn or masturbating gives you a dopamine rush anymore. While Chad's fucking your crush in his car, you're at home, doors locked, jerking your small limp dick off to some degenerate porn, because the vanilla stuff doesn't even excite you anymore.
Days go by, things change, but when you look back you're still at square one. You find yourself still stuck while your classmates are making out at the school homecoming or prom, but you probably stopped going to those events anyway. If you do, you'll kinda just sit in a corner, watching as the others have fun.
You are jealous of your friends (who have mostly forgotten about you) from before this time in your life. They're doing new things now, things you want to do too, but you haven't got there yet. And you never will. You're young, you're impatient, you just don't have the answer. Yet the clock is mercilessly ticking. Time is running out. You're at that age where being a virgin is something to be made fun of.
They do their thing, you do yours. And by ''your thing'' I mean meaningless copes who serve no purpose except for distracting you from the pain.
The spiral starts. More time alone, more time seeing others doing things you want to be doing and if you don't have patience and self awareness to see the signs, you start looking for answers that cant be given, quick fixes, excuses, anything. Still nothing. You're still an ugly loser. You don't even have the motivation to study to have a good career.
And before you know it, the time has come. You're finally free of school / college. By this point your mom and dad stopped asking if you have a girl yet or not because even they know it's over for you. Your sister starts suspecting if you're gay, I mean, she has been to several guys' houses, but she has never seen you bring even a single girl back. Huh. Weird. They're not completely surprised though- they witnessed you transform from the innocent boy you were to the...thing... you are now.
You're on your computer or phone basically 24/7 now. It is the only thing left for you. You're an adult now. No more friends to play soccer with on a quiet corner of the streets. No more enjoying the small things in life, no more looking forward to your birthday or Christmas gifts. (You don't get any either way.) You really let go as the fact that it is over for you is drilled to your skull. You don't even talk to your parents anymore all that much. Even taking care of yourself or basic hygiene is a pointless chore for you now, after all what's the point?
At this point you are completely dead - perhaps not in the literal sense, but figuratively. Because, is it really living if you're just waiting for the day you die?
And that, my unfortunate friend, is the way it is. This right here...it is your fate.
*** - Exceptions to this part are people like me who were visibly deformed from the start.
''Consider the capacity of the human body for pleasure. Sometimes, it is pleasant to eat, to drink, to see, to touch, to smell, to hear, to make love. The mouth. The eyes. The fingertips. The nose. The ears. The genitals. Our voluptific faculties (if you will forgive me the coinage) are not exclusively concentrated in these places, but it is undeniable that they are concentrated here. The whole body is susceptible to pleasure, but in places there are wells from which it may be drawn up in greater quantity. But not inexhaustibly. How long is it possible to know pleasure? Rich Romans ate to satiety, and then purged their overburdened bellies and ate again. But they could not eat for ever. A rose is sweet, but the nose becomes habituated to its scent. And what of the most intense pleasures, the personality-annihilating ecstasies of sex? ... Even if I were a woman, and could string orgasm on orgasm like beads upon a necklace, in time I should sicken of it. Yet consider. Consider pain. Give me a cubic centimetre of your flesh and I could give you pain that would swallow you as the ocean swallows a grain of salt. And you would always be ripe for it, from before the time of your birth to the moment of your death. We are always in season for the embrace of pain. To experience pain requires no intelligence, no maturity, no wisdom, no slow working of the hormones in the moist midnight of our innards. We are always ripe for it. All life is ripe for it. Always. ... Consider the ways in which we may gain pleasure. Consider. Consider the ways in which we may be given pain. The one is to the other as the moon is to the sun.''
-Jesús Ignacio Aldapuerta, The Eyes: Emetic Fables from the Andalusian de Sade, (1996)
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