Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,341
I don't even hate more successful people specifically anymore tbh. But I despise what motivates their behavior, I hate the entire bullshit game. More than anything, I hate that I can see the same things within nearly every motivation that I possess. Nearly every desire I have has become conflicted, all turned against themselves. Really I doubt that even if I could magically switch places with these people, that this feeling would ever go away now. The envy which I used to feel has largely morphed into resentment. I resent being put into this body, having to live a life where I'm forced to consume others if I want to succeed, both literally and figuratively.
Yet despite that, all I really know how to do is destroy. I pick apart and tear down the dreams and illusions which other people use to comfort themselves. That's it, that's the only thing for which I have any talent. Actually building something, or producing something which other people can enjoy is beyond me apparently. I have no intuitive desire to create anything, only for over-analyzing every aspect of my experiences to the point where I nearly go insane. If I try to make myself sit down and create something, it doesn't matter what it is or in what manner it takes, I end up being unable to concentrate, uninterested, and I usually don't enjoy it at all. But I can spend entire days thinking about human behavior, or the ways in which our brains trick us into believing that our lives are worthwhile.
I genuinely hate myself. Not my body, my face, or even my general life, as those things aren't really "me". What I mean is I hate is being a petulant hack who only knows how to make myself and others miserable. It doesn't even matter whether I'm right or wrong, what's important is that this doesn't benefit anyone, least of all me. Regardless, I can't seem to help it. This is why I have to distract myself constantly with escapism, if I don't this is what occupies my mind, this is the better part of what I think about. Imagine spending your life trying to make sure that you don't think, and spending it trying to forget about your own existence. Seriously I wish that time would just stop. I wish that I could remain forever content in an unchanging world free from competition, desire, and entropy.
Yet despite that, all I really know how to do is destroy. I pick apart and tear down the dreams and illusions which other people use to comfort themselves. That's it, that's the only thing for which I have any talent. Actually building something, or producing something which other people can enjoy is beyond me apparently. I have no intuitive desire to create anything, only for over-analyzing every aspect of my experiences to the point where I nearly go insane. If I try to make myself sit down and create something, it doesn't matter what it is or in what manner it takes, I end up being unable to concentrate, uninterested, and I usually don't enjoy it at all. But I can spend entire days thinking about human behavior, or the ways in which our brains trick us into believing that our lives are worthwhile.
I genuinely hate myself. Not my body, my face, or even my general life, as those things aren't really "me". What I mean is I hate is being a petulant hack who only knows how to make myself and others miserable. It doesn't even matter whether I'm right or wrong, what's important is that this doesn't benefit anyone, least of all me. Regardless, I can't seem to help it. This is why I have to distract myself constantly with escapism, if I don't this is what occupies my mind, this is the better part of what I think about. Imagine spending your life trying to make sure that you don't think, and spending it trying to forget about your own existence. Seriously I wish that time would just stop. I wish that I could remain forever content in an unchanging world free from competition, desire, and entropy.